My Most Difficult Challenge

This was posted on twitter recently: “I’ve got a question for my compatriots in the #LGBT community: What’s the most difficult challenge you’ve faced in life so far?”

Over the years I have dealt with coming out, getting clean & sober, falling in & out love, and far too many HIV deaths. But the most difficult challenge hasn’t been so dramatic. It’s the wrestle with body image. Yeah that sounds pretty mundane.

driedup dried up and useless old plants

But in a culture where youth is the coin of opportunity, where an undercurrent of conformity closes way too many opportunities.

One area that exemplifies this is ageism. Sometime I glance at Craig’s list, I am on a couple of cruising sites too. All too often I see posting by men over 50 that say – only ages between 25-35 need apply. Funny for a time when I was in that target group the idea of sex with a man over 50 seemed unattractive but I quickly got over that.

crack are you hung enough to fill my crack

The reverse is also pretty blatant – guys under 40 who say, in effect, ‘no one old enough to be my dad, unless you’re super hung.’ So now sizeism enters the picture.

oldshoes useless old shoes

Being a gay guy over 50, average dick size, who is clean and sober is a constant challenge to one’s sense of attractiveness – which I see as a body image issue. I’m pretty happy with my self, mind you, but every now & then someone comes along, on line, when I decline their invite (mainly becuase I’m not inot what they are into), with something like – ‘at your age you should be grateful, anyone wants you, granddad.’

I hope they realize they too will get older.



August 28-31 – attending – FanExpo Canada



Taking it Personal


I try not to take the personals personally

what they want

is a little sliver of perfection to control

to hold in an unalterable limbo

where the moment

there is a disagreement over anything

out you go

betrayal takes hold   bitterness sets in

so they become

more precise in what they want

those parameters get smaller

the pool of possibility gets shallower

and they aren’t looking for anyone shallow

you must be complex

have a sense of humour a job

go to a gym

or at least have a big dick

even the most sincere let that magic wand

wave away the deeply needed

personal attributes they are seeking

I know when they are talking long term

they mean only as long

as you are obedient

as long as you fulfill certain

fantasy requirements

until someone with more $

or a bigger dick comes along


I try not to take the personals personally

often they don’t want to take you personally

they just want some attention

when I meet someone

and they are none of the things they are looking for

I wonder if they read the ad they wrote

wonder if they know what they want

because even when I am

exactly what they are looking for

I’m not


I try not to take the personals personally

and so far have succeeded

never met the wrong guy that way

not looking for perfection

certainly opens the field

though I don’t waste my time

with those looking for perfection

I know they are only seeking

the safety of the impossible

with a big dick

carte time for a change a la carte

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