The Only Queer In The Room

Until high school I thought was the only queer in the world – to be honest I didn’t know what queer was even then – I was just a boy who was attracted to boys. It was clear this wasn’t the right way to be so the fear & hiding started. I realized that I wasn’t probably the only one, but merely the only one in my high school. If there were others like me there was no way to find them.

stuffing queer stuffing

I was used to being the only queer in the room. As I got older, drank more, fell into bed with other drunken pals, who were not queer, mind you, just drunk. I never felt I had compatriots in my life. Even the few east-coast gay guys I did meet didn’t think, I guess, that I was theatrical or intellectual enough for them.

moon it’s only a queer moon

When I moved to Toronto that changed. I found myself in rooms with lots of gay men and women. The men seemed so focused on big dick relationship material that I was never taken seriously. Non-sexual friendship weren’t possible.

coke no queers in this room

Jump ahead to today and I often find myself the only queer guy in the room when I attend workshops, go to a spoken word event or a recovery meeting. I sometimes get people telling me about their children, grandchildren, then asking me about mine. Here I am still coming out after all these years. Being the only queer in the room isn’t as alienating as it once was. I’m still in the room, so get used to it.

samples

Opinion

 

I’ll be frank

which is what you want

isn’t it

or you wouldn’t have asked

because you know

of all the people you know

I’m the one

who cares the least

about your personal feelings

and will tell you  like it is

I won’t hold back

just to spare you

just to make it softer  easier

I won’t rationalize

dance around painful facts

so you can feel someone how spared

because

as we both know

sparing anyone is not a favor

it’s only something done

to maintain some sense of control

superiority

if you like

the last thing I ever expect to be appear

is superior to you

or to anyone

 

so you’ve asked me

and I’ll tell you

as I have many times before

and things have worked well

as a consequence

haven’t they

not always as you may have hoped

but that is life isn’t it

now as to the situation in question

you acted well  properly

like an adult

you should be proud of yourself

really

not many would have managed it so well

or so quickly

it often takes weeks months

for people to figure out

what took you a few hours to see though

to accomplish to discover to act on

then get out of the way

so congratulations

it wasn’t an easy call

you took the risk

you made the call

then got on with it

for me that’s the real secret

the getting on with it

so often we make the call

see what is going on

but moil around it a while

to make sure

which is like

standing in the rain

to make sure it’s wet

that is cold

but you got out of the rain

got on with it

moved on

spilt no tears

that is something to be proud of

 

no

I don’t think you hurt anyone

by not putting up with their bs any longer

than it took to figure out that it was bs

it takes compunction

and willingness

you showed them both

I wish could always

see through things that quickly

sometimes I do

but I’m like you

or was in the past

I was one who didn’t believe the rain was wet

till I was soaked by it

yes me

I know that’s hard to imagine

and let me tell you

it could happened again

I’m happy to say

I’m still human

I can still err on the the side of humanity

as it were

take a little chance

to test the waters

now we both know

we both have that under our belts

and are ready to face the next opportunity

 

better to see them as opportunities

than as final results

gives everyone more breathing room

more space to trip stumble fall

lets the new in

lets surprise happen

so we don’t force

that opening moment

to some forgone conclusion

that it may not have been headed for at all

sometimes it’s just an opportunity

to recognize bs

sometimes its a chance

to experience more

to get past that bs

and reassure oneself

that it is possible

to share more than expectations

to to share experience

or whatever it is reality is

in the long run

right

of course I’m right

so are you

life goes on

doors are opened

some are closed

and we remain

as ever faithful friends

okay see you next week

nice shoes

shoes too light in the loafers

Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblr

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/topoet

 

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