The Reparation Room
he acted as if I owed him something
for the way he was treated as a child
by someone I didn’t know
in a city I’ve never been in
because I was old white guy
I was the one to blame
I was the one who had to dig down
to make it up to him
money wasn’t going to cut it
he wanted to see me hurt
as much as he had been hurt
there was no way to defuse this anger
to step back from the situation
no way was I capable of making him feel whole
was his trade off
the memory of his pain
in return for the memory
of the pain he might inflict upon me
how many times
would he have to seek this opportunity
how many times would he have to strike out
before he realized causing pain
never removes the pain one feels
making me hurt as much as he hurts
won’t change his hurt
might numb him to it for a moment
then he’ll have to live with what he’s done
what he feels compelled to keep on doing
hitting out spitting out taking it out
till it would finally consume him
I don’t know how to lead him out of this cage
can’t tell him he’s a slave
to a problem I didn’t cause
I refuse to be held responsible for it
yet cannot deny his right
to seek some sort of reparation
for his past
I’m not the one to apologize
not the one to pull out my wallet to pay him off
I have to witness his struggle
acknowledge it
know that I can’t undo
what has been done
try not to add to it in any way
but it seems no matter what I do
I add to it
just being present brings it all back to him
not being present
seems to him like I’m hiding out of guilt
neither of us can leave the room
Each year for Loyalist I have put together a flyer to give away – tax-deductible, elaborate business card. Usually the piece I pick is either an amusing poem, or a chilling flash fiction. This year I opted for a non-humorous poem & choose The Reparations Room.
The piece has, I think, an emotionally complex story to tell, and does so without melodrama or even without pulling back from the core issue – dealing with the damage in others without judging or getting enmeshed in it either.
There is some truth to the piece but it is not confessional. I know many people on both sides of the Reparation. The damaged who often get hurt when their friends can’t deal with them – it’s not as if us ordinary folks are trained professionals – yet they expect friends to deal with stuff that they, the damaged, can’t understand themselves.
I know those on the other side caught in people pleasing, helping and feeling guilty & frustrated because they can’t fix, or backing away because they get fed up with being blamed for things they had no part in.
The flyer photo is one I took some time ago at one of my brain rentals. I loved the empty bigness of this room that had these few plants on the window. The other photos are from the same shoot.
TOpoet 
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