Moose Riding Academy

sample rough draft sample

Giddy Up

a mainland business consortium

wanted our village

to invest in a moose riding academy

where young ladies of a certain pedigree

would learn to ride the hounds on moose

these men had elaborate blue prints

detailed architectural models

all they needed were investors

it would take a lot of our money

to make money

so we wouldn’t be so dependent

on the fission plant or the strip bars

to put food on the table

when the villagers were reluctant

to part with their hard-earned cash

these men became derisive

of our close-minded small-town mentality

of our inability to see this great opportunity

the mayor offered to invest if they could

show us how to ride a moose

my Dad

took them to the moose breeding ground

we followed to witness this spectacle

much to everyone’s surprise these city men

were able to get a saddle on a smaller one

when one of them climbed on it

the moose wouldn’t move

it barely looked up at him

as the man dug his heels into its sides

saying “giddy up – get a move on”

the moose’s dung-slick tail

smacked the back of the man’s head

when Brandi Toffee

their buxom spokesmodel

arrived to sit on the one saddled moose

it went berserk

sexually aroused by the female legs

clamped to its back

the sight of the moose’s erection

caused the city men to fall into a swoon

which gave us no end of mirth

the spokesmodel lost her hair extensions

as they got snagged on maple branches

while she fled though the Whistling Woods

the aroused moose bellowed pitifully

when it trapped her in her SUV

the moose riding academy never opened

and we villagers kept

our hard-earned money for another day

knit knitted something

I always find it hard to perform this piece without breaking myself up – it gives me no end of mirth. Needless to say there is no truth to the moose riding academy – I don’t even think there’s any kind of riding academy in Cape Breton. At one time there was a harness race track in Sydney. My Dad even invested in a horse, I think.

The element of truth though is the hapless way money was invested to keep the local economy afloat. There were endless industrial projects started, stalled, proposed, failed or mismanaged into oblivion. Those were disparate times (not that things have changed that much, mind you.)

snowman (s)no(w) more

The need to re-animate the Island economy once the coal mines and the steel plant were shut down for good almost became an industry of its own. Not everyone wants to open a b’n’b for the tourist trade. Local handicrafts can only produce and sell a limited amount of jam, candles and pottery. Even if it is world class.

bow snow bow not pinebow

Even the emu farming didn’t take hold. Apparently the vibrations from wind turbines have proved to be deadly to the birds (this is a true story even I couldn’t create something that fantastic, or could I?)



pink pink bow not pinebow

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