#Santa Daddy

Santa Daddy

get thee in front of me Santa

keep your hands were I can see them

I know all about that list

naughty or nice

I’m not one of those boys

whose nice can be gotten for toys


that better not be a fat suit

‘cause I’m tend to be a chubby chaser

who gets hard for a real gut

but no matter how big the bag

there better be more happening than that

if you hope to roast

your chestnuts on my fire


so get thee in front of me Santa

don’t bother sneaking around

if you want my milk and cookies

keep those damn reindeer quiet

your profile said discreet encounter

honey, those sleigh bells aren’t discreet

when you said you were into uniforms

this isn’t quite what I had envisioned

you have to offer more than those boots

of shiny black Spanish leather


so I guess

you want to get down to business

no chit chat

how you doing

just want to drop your load

get out of here

not that I’m surprised

you have a full to do list

but if you think you can go that quickly

it isn’t going to happen

I want more than an XXXbox

those elves you brought

aren’t going to make up for that

no I don’t want do some Coke with you

is that how to keep flying all night

I should have guessed


so get thee in front of me Santa

unless you long to kiss

my Christmas ass Kris

and say thank you sir

before you head back up that chimney

blueshoe the blue sandal

Another seasonal favourite that is great fun to perform. Not high-energy but lots of smiles & laughs scattered through it. It started with that opening line – a Biblical misquote – I think the original was get thee behind me Satan. I’ve seen that Santa/Satan linguistic game pulled by fundamentalists to debunk the season so using it in a fun way was appropriate.

Then I throw around sexually loaded intimations, references to Coming To Town – while resisting using ‘coming’ – too obvious, right. Imagine me showing restraint!

table phyfe?

Next a nod the bear community – there are some guys who’ll only do you if you over a certain weight – also a reference to the number of department store Santa’s who wear fat suits, fake beards.

‘Profile’ shifts the tone to the world of online dating where often one doesn’t see the ‘real’ person until the f2f meeting. To read someone likes animals than visiting to find they have six cats can be a bit alarming. The same with terms like ‘uniforms’ – Santa’s uniform is far from discreet . It’s always fun to work in a reference to a totally random Bob Dylan song ‘boots of Spanish leather.’

whitescarf scarf tree

I get to more of that double-entendre ‘drop your load’ playing on the myth of Santa, a reference to the fact that the Santa we picture today was created as a Coke-a-Cola ad. Ending with sonic word play that’s also a very sly nod to Back Door Santa.


January 3 – attending – HOT DAMN! It’s a Queer Slam featuring Johnny Trinh

Hot Damn


January 18 – hosting – Out of the Fire – a fundraiser for Kyle Andrews




xmas book give-away

Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblr


2 thoughts on “#Santa Daddy

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