Inventory Of An Abomination

In recovery one of the process I went through was a look at my past – a fearless & moral inventory. Much of my boozing sprung from the fear of growing up queer (which is probably the most interesting thing about me). Dealing with the lack of understanding & tolerance of the time (have things changed that much?) was easier when I was numbed to it.

glass

box for two

Being called, as the scriptures say, an abomination unto the face of the Lord – is a label difficult to rationalize. That label combined with a culture that valued conformity above all else pushed me deeper into fear. A push I felt but didn’t comprehend or question either. After all what 15 year old doesn’t feel the need to resist conformity.

Psychology didn’t help much – there were detailed books on the disease of homosexuality, state of the art treatment was shock or chemical castration – thank God I didn’t caught, discovered, diagnosed & treated. I reached for the bottle & bottled myself up at the same time.

greentoy

toys boxed

By the time I’d come into recovery I had come to an intellectual understanding of my sexuality & had to stop using it as an excuse for self-abuse. But those years of fear where hard to work though. My first sexual interactions were more about finding someone willing to touch me without revulsion but with eagerness (that self-shame runs through many people regardless of their sexuality).

whitelamp

light box

Through the moral inventory process I’ve come to realize that I had to stop looking at the ways I didn’t live up to or fit into cultural norms – ways I felt judged. Not that I’m a radical nonconformist but I’m certainly in a counterculture that is beyond that hippy-dippy notion of counterculture. It’s been very liberating to free myself of certain cultural baggage – even queer cultural baggage such as the assimilationist cant of gay marriage.

But trust me even nonconformists get caught in their comfort zones or want to break out of them.

sample

Spawn of Satan

someone shouted out from a car

‘spawn of satan’

loud harsh intent

could they have meant me

there weren’t many others on the sidewalk

so I guess it was me

getting the recognition I deserved

I checked myself out in a store window

not too bad for an old guy

spawn of satan

must mean I’m looking pretty hot

hot in that hot sexy way

do I carry a smoulder of danger

that I’ve become unaware of

though the truth of the matter

was that I’m tidy as opposed to hot

I know the truth can set you free

but it rarely gets you laid

or is that how the spawn of satan works

lies his way into what he wants

but my dad certainly wasn’t satan

though his family tree is a bit obscure

immigrant Swedes at the end of the 1800

who changed the last name

of their first born into what I have now

a name that wasn’t Swedish for satan

I’m sure if that change hadn’t happened

I would have had an even harder time in school

always correcting people on that name

though maybe I would have been know as Swede

as opposed to queer    gear box

fairy    fruit

so being called the spawn of satan

isn’t really that bad

just don’t ask me to live up to it

soon02

March 7 -Saturday – attending – 2015 Toronto SpecFic Colloquium – Round Venue, 152A Augusta Ave., Toronto

specfic

http://chiseries.ticketleap.com

April 26 – Sunday – 2-5 – Featuring – The Secret Handshake Gallery – 170 Baldwin Ave., 2nd floor, Toronto.

born

June 5-7 – attending – Capturing Fire – Washington DC

fire

http://www.thedccenter.org/capturingfire/

(2015 registration posted but details not posted yet. I’ve registered already 🙂 )

June 21-26 – attending – Rosemary Aubert’s Workshop – Loyalist – Belleville

loylab

Loyalist Workshop is the real deal

(further info & links: TBA)

September 3-6 – attending – Fan Expo

Expo15

http://fanexpocanada.com

October 18, Sunday – feature: Cabaret Noir: Deep Burlesque Hallowe’en

noiroc15

 

warbox

lunch boxed

Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblr

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/topoet

One thought on “Inventory Of An Abomination

  1. Thank you for the honesty! This issue within our community needs the awareness! Much love and naked hugs! 🙂

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