In recovery one of the process I went through was a look at my past – a fearless & moral inventory. Much of my boozing sprung from the fear of growing up queer (which is probably the most interesting thing about me). Dealing with the lack of understanding & tolerance of the time (have things changed that much?) was easier when I was numbed to it.
box for two
Being called, as the scriptures say, an abomination unto the face of the Lord – is a label difficult to rationalize. That label combined with a culture that valued conformity above all else pushed me deeper into fear. A push I felt but didn’t comprehend or question either. After all what 15 year old doesn’t feel the need to resist conformity.
Psychology didn’t help much – there were detailed books on the disease of homosexuality, state of the art treatment was shock or chemical castration – thank God I didn’t caught, discovered, diagnosed & treated. I reached for the bottle & bottled myself up at the same time.
By the time I’d come into recovery I had come to an intellectual understanding of my sexuality & had to stop using it as an excuse for self-abuse. But those years of fear where hard to work though. My first sexual interactions were more about finding someone willing to touch me without revulsion but with eagerness (that self-shame runs through many people regardless of their sexuality).
Through the moral inventory process I’ve come to realize that I had to stop looking at the ways I didn’t live up to or fit into cultural norms – ways I felt judged. Not that I’m a radical nonconformist but I’m certainly in a counterculture that is beyond that hippy-dippy notion of counterculture. It’s been very liberating to free myself of certain cultural baggage – even queer cultural baggage such as the assimilationist cant of gay marriage.
But trust me even nonconformists get caught in their comfort zones or want to break out of them.
Spawn of Satan
someone shouted out from a car
‘spawn of satan’
loud harsh intent
could they have meant me
there weren’t many others on the sidewalk
so I guess it was me
getting the recognition I deserved
I checked myself out in a store window
not too bad for an old guy
spawn of satan
must mean I’m looking pretty hot
hot in that hot sexy way
do I carry a smoulder of danger
that I’ve become unaware of
though the truth of the matter
was that I’m tidy as opposed to hot
I know the truth can set you free
but it rarely gets you laid
or is that how the spawn of satan works
lies his way into what he wants
but my dad certainly wasn’t satan
though his family tree is a bit obscure
immigrant Swedes at the end of the 1800
who changed the last name
of their first born into what I have now
a name that wasn’t Swedish for satan
I’m sure if that change hadn’t happened
I would have had an even harder time in school
always correcting people on that name
though maybe I would have been know as Swede
as opposed to queer gear box
so being called the spawn of satan
isn’t really that bad
March 7 -Saturday – attending – 2015 Toronto SpecFic Colloquium – Round Venue, 152A Augusta Ave., Toronto
April 26 – Sunday – 2-5 – Featuring – The Secret Handshake Gallery – 170 Baldwin Ave., 2nd floor, Toronto.
June 5-7 – attending – Capturing Fire – Washington DC
(2015 registration posted but details not posted yet. I’ve registered already 🙂 )
June 21-26 – attending – Rosemary Aubert’s Workshop – Loyalist – Belleville
Loyalist Workshop is the real deal
(further info & links: TBA)
September 3-6 – attending – Fan Expo
October 18, Sunday – feature: Cabaret Noir: Deep Burlesque Hallowe’en
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