Racism or Slut Shaming?

A friend of mine likes Philippine men. Over the years he’s had sex with blacks, whites, latino and now finds he’s enjoying Filipinos more than the others – he wonders if that makes him a racist. Has he fetishized race?


lose those jurassic attitudes

There has been, & will be a lot written about eroticizing skin color. I’ve come across rants about Asian men who don’t understand why other Asian men don’t find them attractive – how black men who like white guys only are buying into a cultural bias that only white is beautiful. I heard a brilliant spoken-word piece by a Vietnamese man in love with a white man that said ‘I’ve been taught that your skin is beautiful.’

So when my friend questions his Filipino preference I really can’t say if he is racist or not. I look at my own rather limited sex experiences and they have (& still do) span the globe. The trouble is if you admit to liking men of many types, races, sizes, shapes you aren’t considered liberal but a slut with no sense of value.


white & black & hard

With the current wave of gender analysis it seems even my particular cismale sexual preference for other cismales is suspect – it comes from cultural values I should have the intellectual ability to cut through – or something like that. It echoes the argument that the fact that gay men do not find straight women sexually attractive is misogyny. By extension if I do not find, say, a trans sexually alluring its clear I’m transphobic.



I can’t help but think this comes down to a cultural bias about sex itself, not about color, gender or class – a bias in which pleasure is devalued and those that don’t also devalue it are self-indulgent sluts with no values. Because I don’t have values doesn’t mean I’m worthless 🙂




‘I feel guilty’

his cock clearly had so such qualms

neither did mine

‘but I was so fucking horny’


‘he’s a nice guy’


yeah they all are

but there are times

when nice isn’t enough

nice doesn’t have

that little something extra

the dash of guilt

because I’m sure

we’re doing pretty much what

he does with his nice guy


the new guy

the one he started dating

a few months ago

they both agreed

not to sleep around

as they built a commitment to each other

which was fine by me

fwb meant that

those benefits could end

I was fine with that

not that I didn’t like

have affection for him


but sexual ownership

isn’t a part of my emotional make-up

as far as I’m concerned

commitment built on sexuality fidelity

is already on shaky ground

so when he contacted me

after a few months

of the new relationship

they were still dating

sleeping over now & then

I wasn’t surprised


I didn’t tsk tsk

didn’t pry into how things were going

that fact that he said

‘I feel guilty’

was already too much information


we did what we knew

satisfied each other

if this was sex out of the box

I might understand his need for guilt

but it wasn’t

it was ordinary suck fuck fun

for which I felt no guilt

merely a little come sticky

until I got home

to wash myself clean


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