A Facebook friend recently posted ‘can one be too forgiving?’ I don’t know the context for her question but I have read that forgiveness sets me free – free of what? Free of thoughts of revenge mainly. I replied: ‘forgiveness without change is codependency.’
body (of clothes) bag
I know it isn’t easy to forgive – partly because we feel that it somehow approves of the behaviour, that in fact we are giving permission for that behaviour to continue. There’s a sense that forgiveness absolves them of responsibility – that it allows them to escape the consequences of their actions. ‘If you forgive me, why don’t you want to see me’ ‘why do I have to go to jail’ etc.
pretty patterns
Forgiveness helps free me of bitterness or anger for something but it doesn’t mean I forget the lessons I may have learned. Cunning manipulators work hard at turning forgiveness into something that is your fault – refusing to put up certain behaviours can result in them saying ‘I can see you’re still angry.’ When in fact all you are being is firm.
The need to forgive, like anger, can be addictive & as difficult to get free of – it can easily become a way of defining who we are – pushing us to find new situations (or old ones) that reassure our forgiving or angry identity. We become people looking or opportunities to forgive or get angry & end up feeling unfulfilled if we can’t find or create them.
pink vs red
I’d rather be called harsh that get caught up in the cycle of approval by letting people take advantage of me just to prove I’m not angry or holding a grudge. When I stop playing into them in anyway, they find the door themselves. I don’t even apologize if it hits them on the ass as they leave.
It Rings For ?
how long is it before
the ring of a phone
doesn’t remind me of loss
what is the arc of that ache
of the decay from anger to acceptance
neither of which I welcome
the loss of who I love
the disappearance of the flesh
the face that mutated
from one here to dark memory
there was no way to prepare
for hearing the words
uttered in a hesitant way
do you know …
was a friend of yours …
were you close …
all that hushed rush of air
as I listened absorbed
uncertain if I could actually
say anything in response
wanting to shout to scream
to release the fear pent up so long
now realized what I always knew
that what was expected finally occurred
not hearing if it was by accident
on purpose
by disease
by a drug deal gone bad
none of that mattered
the end result was the same
leaving me here phone in hand
wondering how long will it take
a year two years
how long has it been now
the days haven’t been counted
the years have oozed by
the ring of the phone has that effect
that memory
that fear arises
I’m unwilling to answer
I say a little prayer before I do
hoping against fact
that it isn’t that inevitable event
it has been years
I’ve been in this state of loss
of missing you
longing for your return
yet knowing that will never happen
somethings can’t be undone
the body may never be restored
the one I hold in memory is gone
the one that remains is going
I can’t hold it here I can’t keep it here
I can’t fight this fight for you
felt that loss long before it happened
feel that loss now
don’t know how to share it
how to pretend it isn’t raw tender
that I wish it would end
yet dreading the way it might end
that blaze of dismay not glory
that will take you away
once and for all
each ring of the phone
brings that gone closer
each time it isn’t you
the victim on the other end
I breath a sigh of relief
grateful that the moment is not now
there’s still hope
isn’t there
as long as the phone doesn’t ring
as long as it isn’t you
calling to say
that final maudlin good bye
November 1 – 30 Participating NaNoWriMo
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