#Shame

There ought to be a reality show ‘Shame on You’ in which contestants compete to out shame each other to see who can be the most publicly racist, sexist, hypocritical, or entitled. We already have enough people doing this for the news, so why not capitalize on it. Americas Top Asshole or something like that.

blackcouch

couch of shame

Everyone has things in their lives they aren’t proud of – the secret shames that I suspect we hold on to mainly because we’ve convinced they are to be hidden from everyone. You don’t talk about things like that unless, of course, there are cameras present. Being caught creates reputations not ruins them.

stump

ring of shame

Shame springs from ‘what others think’ & its prime purpose is to control, as opposed to stop, behaviour that might be disapproved of – I don’t mean things like murder – but stuff like lust, sex, greed. The recent adultery ruckus is about shame &, possibly, people who are addicted to shame & not sex at all. They like the sneaking around more than the getting – that taste of shame.

On the east coast I had a friends who shamed my music tastes – they were ‘hard’core’ blues head John Mayall was king, Blues Magoos were below contempt. Rather than be mocked I caved & went with that flow. Today I like Mayall & enjoy listening to him but its the innocuous Magoos that give me the greater pleasure. I replaced those lost lps -which I suspect are probably worth more on eBay than Mayall – with mp3s. Hearing them a few years ago for the first time in decades I was swept away & pleased.

pryor

shameless pair

It wasn’t until I was into my 50’s that I began to shake off sexual shame – all those messages from an anti-pleasure culture that I had never questioned, began to get looked at & nullified. Being queer is difficult enough without accepting cultural baggage without questioning it. As a teen it made suicide tempting (as it still does for gay/trans teens today – suicide seems an approved solution in fact – better suicide than support or education). I put the bottle to my mouth instead of the gun to my head – numbing worked as it kept me alive.

But I did pick up the razor blade – something I don’t talk about often. I was a cutter. I didn’t cut where it could be seen by anyone except myself. It persisted into my recovery for a few years. A habit that become so well ingrained I didn’t even question doing it. One day it dawned on me – I was ashamed of what I was doing to myself – why was I holding on to this? It was for the shame I felt, not for the blood I was drawing.

selfie

shameless selfie

The scars remain – physical evidence that only I can recognize. Even if I showed you where to look & let you look you wouldn’t see what I know is there. Hidden, but not by shame.

samp01

Confirmation

blood

sticky on my fingers

quick to cool

my blood

iron on my tongue

red black thin

not enough to feel warmth

enough to know I have cut

myself

 

not where anyone can see it

I don’t cut for attention

no marks along my arms or wrists

no mesh of scars to explain

to haunt me years later

 

I don’t remember how it started

was it to see some blood

or a need to make me hurt

a grounding in shame

take that you stupid idiot

teach my body a lesson

teach my heart a song

let that small drip refrain

 

I wash my hands when I’m done

watch the healing

then forget the ceremony

for hours

for days

even for years

before I am compelled once more

to feel my blood

sticky ripe between pale fingers

it smells the same

tastes the same

still comes as eagerly when called

by the blade

as I evoke

a few confirming drops of my self

money

Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy more music – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

November 1 – 30 Participating NaNoWriMo 2016
nano15

http://nanowrimo.org/

Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblr

redplane

Bell Museum in Baddeck in shameless Cape Breton

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/topoet

One thought on “#Shame

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