the Big If

the Big If

If I walk more then I won’t spend as much on public transit.

If I walk more  then I will spend more money on shoes.

If I walk more  then I will lose weight.

If I walk so much  then I don’t have a car.

If I walk a lot  then I will see more of the life around me.

If I lose weight  then I won’t wear my shoes down as quickly.

If I get a job  then I’ll have more money to spend.

If I have more money  then I can upgrade my computer.

If I upgrade my computer  then I will spend more time writing.

If I get a job  then I’ll have less time to write.

If I get a job  then I will write more in the time I have left.

If I don’t  then someone else will.

If I am truly sorry then I will not act that way again.

If I am truly loved then I don’t have to apologize.

If I am the love of your life then why aren’t you happy?

If I am telling the truth then why don’t you believe me?

If I do as you say then you will not be so angry.

If I do more than my share then you will have no reason to drink.

If I buy a dog then I will have someone to walk with.

If I but a dog then I won’t have so much time to worry about you.

If I shut the windows then no one will know.

If I don’t hit back then you won’t hit as hard.

If I don’t make a sound then you won’t know I’m here.

If I don’t eat as much then you won’t have to cook as much.

If I were never born then you would be happier.

If I made you happier then we would be happier.

If I didn’t have you then I’d have more time to write.

If I didn’t waste all my time writing then I could keep the house the way you want.

If am am content with myself then I don’t have to worry about making you happy.

If I don’t worry about making you happy then you don’t think I love you.


Ending the year with another look way way back to the turn of the century. All the pieces I’ve written about this month date back to around that time 2000/2001. Many of these pieces were memories so looking at them again was a bit surprising. Some for how current they still were & some for how I’ve moved forward in being direct, in use of image & language.yellowhide

This is one of the many list poems & the prompt was the title. It presents a see-saw of values. Theme & variation, expectation & unexpected results – a form of ironic paradox. Everything has a hidden cost – having more time to write doesn’t mean one will write more.redyellow01

It moves from practical things like walking, writing and move into a more emotional territory (spell check wanted me to spell terror just now). Our expectations of love and what we are willing to do for or what we expect it to do for us & others.

Eventually the ‘If’ double back on itself to create an almost narrative line for the ‘I’ of the poem. How the need for one things involves another, altering consequence & context. I don’t think it starts with the reader know that the ‘writing’ is a relationship issue.


The ending is a bit abrupt – I haven’t rewritten this expect to fix some typos. If I were going to perform this I would work on sequence, flow & bring it to a more satisfying conclusion but I’m not worrying about that.


January 20, Wednesday: judging at Hot Damn! it’s a Queer Slam – featuring  Dominic Berry Supermarket Restaurant and Bar 268 Augusta Ave., Toronto, Ontario M5T2L9


March 12, Saturday: attending:



June 3-5: attending: Capturing Fire 2016 – The DC Centre – 2000 14th St NW, Suite 105 – Washington, DC


September 1-5: attending FanExpo 2016expo16

November 1 – 30 Participating NaNoWriMo



Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington – sweet,eh?


Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblr

un jccool

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