wanted vs. deserved vs. got

1black01Another of Deliciously Disabled’s recent podcasts that resonated with me dealt with ‘the sex I thought & wanted, deserved, got.’ Andrew talked about how much of his sexual expectation & fantasy was based on queer porn in which guys got down to it asap. Minimal conversation, if any at all, fast & eager – messy details edited out: putting on condoms, lubing up usually off screen. Guys who can stay hard constantly, fuck, get fucked for ages without coming. He was dismayed to realize that most porn is not instruction video.1black02Because he wasn’t the abled guys in porn he felt he’d have to accept whatever opportunity was viable for him, even if it wasn’t something he wanted to do. One doesn’t have to be disabled to get caught in that sense of ‘this is better than nothing.’ Not having a huge cock like those porn guys seems to mean that the the bigger dick guy gets to dictate what happens & you better like it or he’ll move on to someone who will be grateful for his powerful pecker. Even he opts to be the bottom.1greendeskFor me this also enters into sexual self-image. If one doesn’t have the photogenic equipment: dick, abs, youth, body hair that captures the camera eye then one isn’t deserving of those who do. All too often I see ‘like seeks like’ in on-line profiles: ‘fit only’ ‘over X inches only’ ‘none over XX years’ – men seeking to replicate those porn images.1purpleNot that I don’t have my own likes but they don’t dictate what I enjoy. I know that porn is edited. These guys take breaks to change camera angles, get hydrated enough to keep going, sometimes even a stunt cock will step in for those important close ups.  For more on this see my previous post Porn Has Ruined My Sex Life.

The sex I deserve isn’t about body parts.samp03Imagination

a shimmer of words

dialogue of needs

wants fantasy

woven from distorted fragments

of a culture of control

told what to dream

body operations attainable

via starvation

dedicated time sacrifice in gyms

eyeing one another’s progress

our image never living up to theirs

or our expectations of the perfect

perfect being that fantasy

striving pushing

told that not to dream that dream

results in defect

less than



worth only what we look at good as

stay at that ideal age weight

drift outside those parameters

at one’s peril


to have the goal is one thing

to live only for the dream

is another

limiting opportunity

closing other doors

that don’t fit the concept

woven from those

distorting fragments from movies tv

songs of ultimate romance

being the only authentic romance


to dream the possible dream

is to be delusion hopeless

to dream the impossible

is to be unsatisfied

always striving for the more

we feel compelled to have

to prove to someone

to ourselves

that we are intact

in fact beyond perfect

mere flesh and blood

happy only in imagination


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