Deliciously Disabled’s recent podcast on getting for sdt’s brought back to me the first time I was tested, way back in the early 80’s. Initial hurdle was to get there getting the right times at Hassle Free. Men and women had different days and times of the day. Next hurdle was my sense of deep shame – it didn’t dissipate even though the staff were more indifferent than anything else.
The questions about my sexual activity were awkward. Unlike Deliciously Disabled who had to convince the professionals that he even had sex, I was unwilling to admit how little sex I had had. Then there was the admonishing for even that little bit – no, not admonishing, but merely being told about protection. I slut shamed myself.
Swabs, blood draws were no problem compared to the waiting. Once there was a confirmation. I had been sullied!! My self shame flared up: I was getting was I deserved for enjoying the sex I experienced. Naming names. Meds, shots in the butt – returns for further testing.
Along came HIV and the testing & waiting was even more fraught with stress and shame. Now it was more than self-shame. It was condemnation by the medical community – how could you not be more careful? Why don’t you stop having sex?
I got over some of that but not completely. That sort of slut shaming remains rampant but is less direct. It’s not as if the right to marry is protection against std. But that’s another blog post.
I get tested regularly, more frequently it seems than I have sex 🙂 Now I’m more stressed by waiting room ettiequte. How many free condom/lube packets are too many? Is cruising the other guys waiting okay? Know your status.
Will
where does my will
my right to choose
start
and the ways I have been
seduced by culturally encoded definitions
take over
do I ever even start to think for myself
when everything
is plunked down in front me
like a meal I didn’t order
but have got to eat
encoded like the bars in a prison cell
when the only crime I committed
is being born
where is choice
in a nation where colour is guilt
where sexuality is approved
where male female are the official roles
self determination is limited by
what is approved of by others
cure by label
acceptance by diagnosis
guilt by association
labels that can’t be contested
even when they are self-applied
guilty even when proved innocent
I’m told that if I desire men
these are the ones I am to desire
these are the ones not to desire
or
these are the ones out of your league
these are the ones
no one wants to desire
these are the ones
everyone wants
so you should want them too
if you don’t
there is something wrong with you
not with them
you must have low self-esteem
you must be sick in the head
not normal
falling between the cracks of definition
of what queer cultures says you should be
have to be
to have the right to choose
to have the opportunity
to be the chosen one
though my will tells me
there are worse things
than not being among the chosen many
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TOpoet 