On another of this season’s Deliciously Disabled podcasts Andrew Gurza talks about concepts of masculinity – particularly in how men present themselves as men, as viable sexual objects. He talks about making sure he has his hat on the right way, picking the right jeans – things that he hopes attract the right attention, things that somehow make his disability less overwhelming.


Like most men – I suspect this is universal – his vision of masculinity is informed by media. Hollywood in particular. Growing up I was bombarded by a hyper masculinity; Tarzan – Hercules: two quick examples. For Andrew Murder Ball was very influential. When I discovered porn the male ideal was hyper cocked – tops were always butch, bottoms butch but less so. Rarely did one see overtly fem guys in either role.29browndesk

I was not a sporty kid beyond sand lot baseball. I was a fast runner but even when I won I was mocked for running like a girl – whatever that meant – so I gave up that. I was small, blond, artistic & introverted. I’d rather read than ‘play’ outdoors.29beigedesk

I’ve blogged about being cismale. I never seriously questioned my gender once I realized & saw that being queer didn’t mean I wanted to be a woman. That was the image of queer that I grew up with – cross-dressing & drag = homosexual.29brownshelf

Back to the Delicious moment – Andrew talks about the role of how he presents & the challenge of maintaining this masculine image in his wheel chair. It’s pushed him to question why this image exists & if it’s worth the stress of maintaining it. It leads me to wonder how many guys do this – project the image but don’t question it as long as it gets them laid. samp03


I’ve been working on

of ridding my mind of cultural stains

thoughts & perceptions

that I was soaked in growing up

ideologies that went unquestioned

concepts that I accepted

even as I quietly tried to reject them

race gender privilege desire


happiness constructed as

the correct pair bonding

to create the perfect consumer unit

to reproduce

being queer I knew that pair bonding

was unlikely

but the social imperative

was so all pervasive it couldn’t be ignored

by my generation

by my geography


so as I resisted that bonding command

I questioned my sense of self

never the validity of that command

not to fit in wasn’t so bad

but it wasn’t good either

the shaming was external

then internal


generations have changed

queers star in TV shows

about their hilarious tribulations

drag queen compete on reality shows

a new shaming has begun

about being the perfect bonding queer pair



the realization comes that

regardless of race gender education

accomplishments entitlements

if one opts out of the norm

the stains can never be removed

don’t have to be removed

no matter who faults me

for not being radical enough

perhaps that is too radical

November 1 – 30 Participating NaNoWriMo




Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblrwhitedesk


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