Closet Mutterings

Closet Mutterings (1999)

I’m tried of prettifying

making things

seem more or less

than what they are

in an attempt

to make them somehow palatable

for those

whose sensitivities might be offended

I’m tired of walking on egg shells

of hinting

when I want to come right and say

whatever it is I want to say

to say sucking cock

instead of

savouring your flesh

not that I didn’t savour

the flesh

but to say merely that

brings a thin membrane

between the actual

and the experience

so that it loses some of the

what I savour

so that I can detach

just a little

from the immediacy of the experience

so that I can

feel

someone how less

in the clutches

of animal instinct

so that by somehow

making it appear

to be an intellectual experience

the sucking of cock becomes

a step in a great,

more spiritual, existence

than once again

giving into to animal pleasure

the denial of pleasure

is what the prettifying comes down to

the little step away

from the vulgar

to make one less predatory

not that I prey

on those who I come in contact with

not that I deny

there is a direct link

between the spirit and the cock

a direct connection

between the grace of life

and the sex

spirit and sex

are one

if one cuts one out

the other

loses its power

loses its savour

a spirit without sex

is too fragile to exist

it shatters too easily

it has nothing to ground itself to

the airy ether of spiritual transcendence

without a firm ground in reality

leaves one without shape or strength

and a root that does not

allow itself to grow into the air

remains unfulfilled and stunted

we need to make the distance

between the root and the air

shorter

not longer

and the prettifying

is merely away of making that path longer

all the words and phrases

only succeed in doing

is covering up the reality

what we enjoy

that we hunger for

the physical presence

the sexual presence of one another

not of everyone

but of some

that a life without is a life without

not a life within

the inner grows from acceptance

not from denial

but there are those

who are too deeply invested

in what is right and proper

that will not allow

or recognize

that will deny and punish

any who try to bring

the spiritual in contact with the flesh

that don’t see

God below the belt

that don’t see

grace and cock

as things

one can connect

without being

damned

cast out

heretic

sick and vile filthy and degraded

the spawn of Satan

to some

where as they are the ones who should be chided

but not cast out

let them be

let them rail against

those who have no fear or qualm

about putting aside the pretty phrase

those who do not

pretend to find

some deeper context to absolve

the cock

to turn aside the pleasure

to turn the pleasure

into intellectual detachment

that becomes safe

for consumption at all times

for cock is for consumption at all times

take and eat

for this my cock

be blessed with this moment

the blood

thick white ejaculate

immaculate and cleansing

For June I’m turning the payback machine to party like it’s1999 with a look at pieces I wrote then. Some of these I haven’t edited or contemplated since. Closet is a theme I’ve returned to several times – self-censorship getting in the way of language. I hadn’t gotten back into performing when I wrote this so I must have been contemplating being out in front of groups of strangers.I had been reading a fair bit of poetry – queer, hetero & noticed that poetry seemed to demand a step away from explicit to be considered ‘serious’ – the search for the soft yet provocative image – to gauze over the lens as a demonstration of imagination. As if leaving up to the reader’s imagination was a superior creative decision.

To avoid slut shaming there was/is this drive to make sex more a spiritual expression of human communication – to justify getting one’s rocks off as more than getting one’s rocks off – because to enjoy sex for the sake of enjoying sex is shameful, shallow. My writing & presenting attitude has changed since I wrote this. I’m pretty comfortable writing about my sexuality, my experiences in my poetry. My degree of explicitness will vary according to who I am reading to – I certainly wouldn’t present the same sexily charged material to a group of high schoolers as I would to a an audience of erotica fans.

There is a current trend now to include ‘trigger’ warnings which I find disconcerting. At a recent lgbtq reading one poet did a ‘trigger’ warning for his pieces because they contained explicit queer sexual material – wtf! He did this because there were trans & lesbians in the audience. Strangely enough the lesbian who read didn’t include such a warning for her graphic sex piece.The only piece of mine I use a warning for is Nuncle John which is at least 70% blasphemous swearing – not that I personally care if it offends or triggers anyone but I want people know I’m aware it can offend. If anyone is offended by any of my out pieces at a lgtbq event they have been blessed. Of course this piece ends with out-right blasphemy 🙂

on going 🙂 when new podcast are posted: Deliciously iTunes

June 3-5: attending: Capturing Fire 2016

https://capfireslam.org

check out these poets from Capturing Fire 2015: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCx5KD1eDccdjdTdQ28kZRNg

Here’s my DC experience 2015: http://wp.me/P1RtxU-1e3

June 11, Saturday – attending: The Toronto Poetry Talks – 10 AM – Metro Hall, 55 John Street, Toronto, Ontario M5V 3C6

https://www.facebook.com/events/147955055574679/

June 12, Sunday – participating: Michael Matheson – The Axe and the Scalpel – Editing Your Own Work 1:00 pm – Bakka-Phoenix Books – 84 Harbord Street, Toronto, ON M5S 2H7