he called me hypocrite

said that he felt betrayed

when after decades of knowing me

decades of our conversations

about the spiritual paths we’d chosen

that he was dismayed

to come across my profile

on a gay hook up site

I asked if my pics

didn’t live to his dick-spectations


turns out

he’d felt I was above that sort of thing

that I wasn’t living up

to the spiritual values I espoused

he felt that I had been a fake

all these years


I was puzzled

as we’d never really conversed

about sexuality in specific

only in general

he had his opinions about fidelity

which I never argued for or against

even though I didn’t agree with them

it wasn’t an issue

I never felt to the need to educate him

or anyone else for that matter


the fact that I might sleep around

was irrelevant


he’d looked up to me as an example

of a chaste ethical homo

one who

at my age

had found a spiritual fulfillment

that lifted me beyond

these physical needs

I said that it was too bad he felt that way

and left it at that


we never spoke again


I saw no need to repair that breach

being desexualized because of my age

my intellect my creativity

is never a good experience

and if I have to pretend

I’m not willing to get these needs fulfilled

or that I’m some sort of virgin

for anyone’s respect

that’s not going to happen
25-elecblack03Law 17 proved to be very productive because it spoke to me about conformity. Here I’m a hypocrite for not conforming to someone’s expectations of me in recovery and in age. It comes from more than one actual incident. In each case it was the realization by someone of my sexual activity.

25-elec04I’m out but not in your face about it. Many years ago I regularly went for lunch after a morning AA with several straight guys in the group. They knew I was queer. We ate at the same spot & they had flirtatious friendships with a couple of the waitresses. One day I remarked on how cute I found one of the busboys. Oddly that was the last time I lunched with them. The next couple of weeks they had other plans & we never resumed those meals. It was as if my being queer in theory was okay but in reality too much for them. Such is life.

25-elecred01But the more recent incident was one in which another gay guy in recovery came across my profile on a cruising site. This pretty much reflects our conversation around the expectations he had of me. Also told him I do have a private life that I don’t bring to meetings. It’s not as if sex is a shameful secret I need to talk about in that context. One guy felt that I was dishonest in not sharing that. Whatever.

25-elecgreen02This inability of people to allow sexuality & spirituality to co-exist isn’t uncommon. Rather than seeing one as the expression of the other it is as if one cancels out the others. The fact that I’m not tormented by lust doesn’t mean I’ve transcended it, if anything I’ve transcended (for the most part) cultural shame baggage around sex that creates that torment.soon1https://www.facebook.com/events/149545348875710/










Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblr03.blueselfie


One thought on “Dick-spectations

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