A couple of recent Disability After Dark podcasts with Andrew Gurza have looked at sex first times – Andrew’s & then guest Peter Morley. Like many gay men we knew we were interested in same sex long before we had the opportunity to act upon it. Though Peter was accessing sex in parks at the age of 15. These conversations allowed me to look back at my first thoughts, fantasies & actual experiences.
Where I grew up Sydney, Nova Scotia, there was a park that had a ‘reputation’ but at 15 I was too terrified to check it out at night to see if it lived up to that rep. My earliest ‘sex’ with guys was about 13 though – now that I look back on it, it wasn’t much more playing doctor.
When I was 12/13 we had a little vacation trailer in our driveway that I would sleep out in during the summer. My own little house. I had a couple of buds who would join me & we would play with each other’s cocks, get hard. One them heard about blow jobs but none us knew what that actually meant – we tried merely blowing air on each other’s cock – taking it literally – & not getting much out of it. There was even some ass play. I don’t think any of us ever came. But we all knew what we were doing was ‘dirty’ and the fear of getting caught put an end to such exploration.
About a year later an older guy – 16 I think, explained to me what jerking off was – I think he asked me something like ‘ever pull your self kid?’ I couldn’t wait to get home & try it. That became another dirty secret. My fantasies always centred on guys may age or as I got older pop stars like Mick Jagger or Jim Morrison. I do remember being fascinating by Little Joe’s package on Bonanza.
I remained hidden – dated some girls but only to keep up appearances. My eyes were always going to the guys around me. Fantasy & fear was the thing. It wasn’t until my mid20’s that I had actual sex with another man – drunken sex with a ‘straight’ bud – who came back with booze for more. Kissing & oral was all we did. This didn’t happen often but I always looked forward to those opportunities.
So I didn’t actually have what I can call real sex until I moved to Toronto in 1978. My summer of fun coincided with my first summer of sobriety. Fun is a joke – it was frustrating. Guys I found attractive were interested in younger, firmer, hairier. Not that I was so old but I clearly wasn’t what the market wanted. I remained a virtual virgin because what id id as a drunk didn’t really count, did it? So I had sex with guys I wasn’t that keen on simply because they were interested in me.
There was no Internet in those days, movies were silent super eights one could order from the back of magazines like Honcho, Mandate. There were porn stories in these that gave me some of technical info I needed but they were also awash with either romantic or performance fantasy. Eyes meeting, electric sparks, hours of sweet ass pounding sort of stuff.
So I was expecting some of that and instead got hasty kissing, fast clothing removal, messy orgasims with guys who didn’t want to leave their phone # of take mine. Sex didn’t lead to the deep relationships those stories ended up in. My learning curve was steep.
I’m not a virtual virgin because virtue has nothing to do with it. My first sober sex was so unremarkable I have no recollection of it. But it did happen. And still does.
I walked out
yeah I know I’m nobody to them
not selling me a cup of coffee
isn’t going to affect
their bottom line
five bucks less in the register
it’s not as if
it’s the only coffee shop on the street
I’m even willing to wait in line
as long as the line is moving
but if there are three sales associates
behind the counter
& I’m the only customer
waiting to be served
one of you should at least acknowledge me
not roll your eyes at each other
or see me
then go to do something else
I walked out
without a word
I do this often
being the invisible man
has its drawbacks
I’m a nobody
merely a person who expects service
someone who has experienced
can I help you sir
oh yes let me show you where that is
is there anything else
in an ordinary drug store chain
sorry to keep you waiting
this one’s on the house
now I don’t want those servers
to lose their jobs
or even apologize
I walk out
wondering if there’s
a camera monitoring
that some manager will see
them so busy
see me walking out
and they’ll watch it together
shake their heads
some people have no patience
who does he think he is
the Queen of England
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check out these poets from Capturing Fire 2015 & 2016
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