Squeeze

samprules2

Working through the  227 Rules For Monks. Who knew the simple life could be so complex. This another of the 92 pācittiyas.

Squeeze

he was squeezing

something on his jaw line

near the left ear

he’d stop

then go back to it

an ingrown hair 

another time he was scratching

a dry patch on his back

scratched until it was raw

but not quite bleedings

sometimes gnawing at finger nail

another time biting at something

on the inside his cheek

not every time we were together

 

we got together every couple of weeks

for food

for making out

it took a few years

before this pattern emerged

one that I recognize

because I was once caught up

in such small acts of self harm 

the pinched pimple

the scratched spot 

I know the odd satisfaction 

they comes from inflicting

tiny persistant

pain

on myself

I have the scar tissue to show for it

 

I was never into big self-harm

burns to the hands

criss-cross slits on the arms

I was satisfied by these

micro-aggressions against myself

against my body

 

I treasure the body

he harms

how do I call attention

his micro-aggressions

I’m not a professional

no one ever called my attention

to how I treated myself 

I kept it too hidden

no one would see

the spot I picked till it bled

eventually that need left

 

not that I’ve seen him bleed

not until he tells me something more

than let’s play

then I’ll know

he wants more than comfort

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