On a recent Disability After Dark podcast Andrew Gurza talks with his new research assistant Rae. Both of them talk candidly about the layers of ‘outsider’ they have & still do experience as a result of many factors involving their disabilities. Having spent the first ten years of my life on the move as my Dad’s job took us from Manitoba to the east coast & ultimately to Sydney in Cape Breton, I certainly experienced being an ‘outsider.’
Even in Sydney there was three moves before we settled into a house we called home (which is still in the family). On top of which my mother returned to Wales regularly in the summer to visit with her family taking me with her. I was never like other kids wherever I was.
I put a lot of energy into being normal enough to get along with adults, kids, teachers & never felt I was succeeding. Not that I knew what success was supposed to be. Good marks? Lots of playmates? A girlfriend? Being invisible seemed like a good option. I am not disabled in the clear way Andrew is but I can sense the complexity of his need to be accepted for who he is but not knowing who to do that in the lgbtq+ world, let alone the world outside that.
Albert Camus says in The Stranger: “Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” I didn’t realize how much energy I put into being seen as normal until I said ‘Fuck it” – I’ve done all I can & it hasn’t happened yet. I certainly tried all the things that to make me attractive, desirable, acceptable and I was usually left disappointed & even a little bitter.
Things like free-weights, good hair products, name-brand jeans with the perfect tee-shirt for bar appeal. When I stopped doing that for others but for myself I felt free. Not that I don’t work out enough, or enjoying looking presentable but the fact is I’ll be that hot gay guy I was sure everyone wanted. I became comfortable in my own skin.
But I don’t have to face the same struggles for even accessibility that Andrew does. I can walk up the stairs to get to the dance floor. 
Oogie Inferno
if you’re thinkin’ I’m too old to boogie
boy oh boy have I got news for you
I love the sweaty potential of the dance floor
the solid mass of men mobile shifting
eagerly crammed crowded by the bass line
the righteous revival fever of a contralto
everybody here tonight must boogie
let me tell ya
I was no exception to the rule
the heat was on (burnin’) rising to the top, huh!
eyes closed hands open
shirtless strutters in sweat soaked satin shorts
muscles bloated bellies
a man spinning his wheelchair in circles
no one cares
as flesh wound around pulled by the driving
boogie oogie oogie
an endless moment of contact high
thigh to thigh contact
the heat was on, rising to the top
where the keyboard was underfoot
put your feet to the beat
peak after peak of solid state sweat
turn this beat around
no voice heard that wasn’t amplified
no time to waste, let’s get this show on the road
listen to the music and let our bodies flow
yowsa yowsa yowsa dance dance dance
shame shame shame ga ga ooh la la
we were shimmering glittering
ready to take on the future beep beep toot toot
I love the moment of stepping into the mass
the sooner I begin
the longer I’ve got to groove
listen to the music and let bodies move
make a space for myself
get approving once overs
then not care who’s lookin’
but when my spark got hot
I heard somebody say
burn baby burnin’ the house down
gonna boogie oogie oogie
till you just can’t boogie no more
I love the blur as I am transported
out the body out of the mind
satisfaction (uhu huh huh) in the chain reaction
released from all sense of self
except for the one caught immersed
push push in the bush bush
lost for hours
boogie oogie oogie
taking a breather wet glistening
asked what are you on
my nothing being disbelieved
as if the music and testosterone
aren’t enough for me to
burn that cocksucker down
because have I got news for you
this could be the last dance
last chance for a bad romance
everybody here tonight must
boogie oogie oogie
every Tuesday
September or October but to be confirmed – feature – The Art Bar, Free Times Cafe
2019
June 8/9 – Capturing Fire 2019 – Washington D.C. (flight & hotel already booked)
capfireslam.org
Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington at 2018’s capfireslam.org – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet
Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblr
https://www.tumblr.com/blog/topoet
