Feeling Fine
I’m feeling fine
no – I am fine
feel is a word of uncertainty
because feelings can be deceiving
feels like winter
doesn’t mean it is winter
I am fine
I am well
no – I don’t need to take another dose
not even one
just in case
perhaps I’m not as well
as I think I am
think
another word of uncertainty
doubt
it’s as if what I think
maybe wrong
that the perspective I filter
things through
can be questioned
think isn’t the same as know
I think it’s raining
it feels like rain
either it’s rain or it isn’t
thinking won’t change that
I think I feel better
I’m better off when I don’t think
when I am in the moment
I am well
better gives a sense
that once upon a time I wasn’t well
that I wasn’t living in the moment
because
at this moment in time
I’m as well as I can be
This piece is a word game. When I edit one of the things I do is make things more concrete by eliminating distancing words like ‘think’ ‘feel.’ ‘John felt angry” isn’t as direct as ‘John was angry.’ Not that I don’t appreciate the passive voice at times but I prefer the more active and direct. Words like ‘think’ ‘feel’ become contagious & to me, reflect lazy writing. The word ‘like’ is another one of those words 🙂
In live in a culture in which feelings become immobile facts in our minds, facts which are often not supported by circumstances. There’s a tree on our street. Large, & to me beautiful; to one of our neighbours it is a menace ready to drop a branch in the next windstorm. Regardless of our ‘feelings’ the tree is still the tree. Perspective.
There’s also an echo of people not accepting ‘fine’ as an adequate response to how things are. It’s as if to feel fine one is either in denial or perhaps too shallow for a ‘deeper’ emotional experience to life. If one is upset or conflicted or experiencing difficulty one is real, if not one is fake. Negative is real, positive is delusional. “Perhaps I’m not as well as I think I am.”
Another echo is that when people ask ‘how are you doing’ it is out of rote not out of interest. They don’t want an answer, or if they want an answer its only until they can jump in with their own litany complaint. Most people start conversations to tell you what they think not to hear what you think. I rarely start conversations 🙂 And, you know, I’m fine with that.
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