Thine Is Not Mine
they stood
all twenty or so
joined hands
to make a ragged circle
of connection
they prayed aloud
in unison
the lord’s prayer
a fellowship of grace
that I believe is genuine
yet
as they stood
I stepped aside
hands behind my back
as they prayed
I remained silent
the holding of hands
is forced conformity
a kind of automatic
social codependency of inclusion
as much as I enjoy acceptance
of being a part of
it’s going to be on my worth
not on my compliance
I am present for spiritual connection
not physical
I remain silent
during the our father
partially out of respect
for those who do believe
what I don’t believe
silent
partially because
of the context of that prayer
the history of
the controlling monolith of dogma
a greed driven
control fuelled
relentless remorseless fire
that judged what it didn’t understand
as evil
a cultural genocide of disease
military power & might
I’m not going to say
your pointless biblical prayer
just be grateful
I hold my tongue
& not your hand
Another piece about 12 Step recovery 🙂 Based my daily reality – no that I attend meetings daily but often enough. When I started recovery, this joining of hands in a circle wasn’t common but over the years it became de rigueur – a linking of energy in fellowship as a closing prayer was said, usually the ‘our father.’
I stopped saying that prayer early in my recovery for the reasons stated in the piece. At first I selected those portions I didn’t argue with but that was too much thinking so I opted for silence. But I would do the hand holding. Occasionally my silence would be noticed. Over the years the use of lord’s prayer has declined to the more inclusive Responsibility Pledge.
When SARS hit I became less inclined to hold hands. I carried (& still do) hand sanitizer & used it regularly. Gradually I stopped handholding totally. Stepping back when possible. I saw it as a form of people-pleasing, co-dependancy. Most assumed it was my germ-a-phobia, which is fine by me. A few have asked & I’ve explained my reasoning to their blank stares. Germs they understand, my not wanting to physically link into the vibration of harmony that passes from hand-to-hand contact in the chain of humanity, didn’t reach them.
At first I was bit self-conscious but I got over that. I have had people try to pull me into the circle. I can say ‘I don’t hold hands’ without getting snippy or even even apologetic. My opinion of ‘the controlling monolith of dogma’ is not relevant to anyone but me, even when pressed I rarely go into that ‘depth’ of explanation. I’m not in recovery to school people on the history of religious damage. So excuse me while I sanitize my hands.
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The journey is real!