Only Real After Midnight
he didn’t understand
that too late is too late
that too late had nothing to do
with my desire for him
with my affection for him
it was about my desire for sleep
my affection for walking up
clear headed and well-rested
he insisted that it was proof
of my lack of real interest
that midnight wasn’t that late
only boring guys
went to bed that early
gay life didn’t get into full swing
without moonlight
I recalled my disco days
when getting to a bar before eleven
made one look desperate
the place would be empty
filled with loud music
get there at midnight
and the crowd was starting flow
by 1 a.m. it was a packed house
that was the gay life
I left to those that enjoyed it
just because I was man enough
to take it
didn’t mean I had to take it
like I didn’t have to take
his definition of desire
being only real after midnight
Based on a true story 🙂 More than one ‘he’ has presented this illogical definition of real desire – if you don’t want to have sex when they want to have sex then you really aren’t interested. Sure I understand the role ‘availability’ can play is sex but to take non-aligned schedule personally is a bit much. It is a ‘red flag’ in fact. Just like men who take my no drug boundary as personal affront.
Also just because the timing is right doesn’t mean I have to say – oh sure. ‘Looking right now’ doesn’t mean looking for anyone who is eager. When I first came out in Toronto that was the case for awhile though then I developed taste 🙂 When I tell someone that ‘we aren’t a good match’ I don’t explain, if they should ask why – that fact that they ask is another of those red flags.
As the piece says I was once a disco dolly hanging round until as late as one in the morning, back in the day, & often would go home smelling like an ashtray. Many gay bars didn’t get busy until midnight at the earliest, even if they had a happy-hour 🙂 I got bored of the night bus. This was when my gay card was first demoted from first class – choosing sleep over cruising made me a less-than-queer.
The piece also echoes the ways in which we define ourselves & how others define us as a result. Someone who opts not to have sex at midnight is usually seen as an uncooperative tease or probably not that attractive after all. Sure I could wait around until midnight but that doesn’t mean I want to or will.
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