Into ‘week’ two of the Artist’s Way. ‘Week” as the book is done in weeks not chapters. I’m giving myself two weeks to do each section. Week One was okay, no great revelations but confirmations that the process I started with it decades ago has been productive. Some of my negative self-talk comes from more recent years that from my past. perhaps though it is echoes of that past bs that had seeped in.
Week Two deal with crazy makers as a way of avoiding creativity. Oddly enough one of my biggest crazy makers, no longer living in Toronto, had a major crisis as I was starting this Way chapter. A crisis that included: partner cheating, wedding is off, moving in with parents. Oh my! We exchanged a few texts as I was walking & I refused to be drawn in. I did say ‘you’re a survivor’ – supportive enough. I didn’t offer sympathy, advice or a plane ticket to Toronto :-). Two days later & all is ‘well’ with him. He sees it all as bipolar in love. I didn’t ask for details.
I know how not to invite crazy-makers too deeply into my life. Julia talks about how we use these situations as distractions or excuses & as a way to score points for being good, helpful, self-sacrificing saints.
Today, thanks to recovery in a couple of 12 step programs, I’m okay with people thinking I’m stoic, uncaring & uncooperative. Productivity is more grounding than codependency.
I’ve taken myself on some fun artist dates. Simple things like a walk through the Williamson Ravine – made a trek to take pictures of the Dollhouse on Bertmount, near Queen & Jones – it is actually mentioned on Google maps. Stopped after the doll invasion at Bobbette & Belle for an artist cupcake. I also consider Hot Damn! an artist date, even though I am there with several people I know, I’m pretty much by myself as one of few (if not the only) gay white cismales over 60 in the house.
Blind Sided
I’ve looked at this from all sides
taken your view
my view
the outsider’s view
the long short jaundiced
rear view
it doesn’t matter which side
I’m the one in the wrong
even if it is your fault
that I’m in this position
it’s still my fault for looking twice
when the first glance
told me all I needed to know
I shouldn’t have taken a closer look
& let you pass me by
but what’s a man supposed to do
opportunities like you
don’t come my way everyday
not that this was my last chance
but it was as good a chance
as I’ve had in some time
a stroke of luck
so here I am
the guilty party once again
someone who said what he shouldn’t
at just the wrong time
for the greatest effect
those names we called each other
were only meant to hurt
I didn’t believe them for a minute
but you did
I’m just not as sensitive
one of my faults I know
cold heartless me
I’m too quick to react
when my buttons get pushed
I should never have showed you
where those buttons were
never let your toothbrush
in my bathroom
never let your socks under my bed
never say never again
it’s all my fault for making peace
for being the placater
I should have let go
when I first had a chance
rather prove that by holding on
I was really really serious about us
I had lots of opportunities
to escape but I stayed
things will be different next time
I should have defended myself
the second time
changed my view the third
but I didn’t
to make sure you realized I cared
that I could be forgiving
now I’m looking from all sides
inside outside top bottom
head-to-toe
the way I looked over you the first time
everything held the eye
I didn’t have enough eyes
to take it all in
no eye to a future
I knew it would come to no good
I would end up the heatless prick
once more
I had to see if this time would be different
you wouldn’t be like all the others
you weren’t
trouble was I was like all the others
you told me that over and over
every man you meet treats you this way
I was no better than any of them
for once
I’m glad you’re right
glad that over is over
trust me it’s over
I won’t make that mistake again
I won’t take it lying down
standing up bending over backwards
or any which way
if that’s what it takes
to be true to you
I’d rather be a liar
because it doesn’t matter which side
the view is from
I’m the one in the wrong
April
April 3 – Hot Damn! It’s Queer Slam – Season 6 finales Buddies and Bad Times Theatre
May
Richard III – Stratford Festival
June
June 25-26-27 – Capturing Fire 2020 – Wooly Mammoth Theatre -Washington D.C. 
capfireslam.org
July
All’s Well That Ends Well – Stratford Festival
Hey! You can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee
at Ted’s Bulletin in Washington DC
at 2020’s capfireslam.org – sweet, eh? paypal.me/TOpoet
TOpoet 