My mother was a memory hoarder. My sister has been going though boxes of things stored in our family home & has unearthed things from my past. This letter to Santa was one of those treasures. It tells me so many things about myself at that time – when was that time? Probably when we first moved to Cape Breton in the mid50’s. Before my brother was born. While I was learning cursive writing in school.
The spelling mistakes & writing errors are things that I am still plagued by in my hand written notes. Even then I couldn’t write as fast as I thought & so my letters stumbled over each other resulting in scratching words out or writing over them.
I can remember learning cursive in grade school. We had to have a special scribbler with lines to train us how to keep uniform sizes for small & capital letters. I have vague memories of the actual exercises but, much liking tying my shoes, there is no specific moment. I do see the influence of my Dad’s writing in the shape of some of the letters.
I was very keen on that cowboy suit. It was not the first one I had – it was a hat, vest, chaps & a two-gun holster. A cowhide print but probably not on cowhide. I recall getting fire engines a few times. Red plastic with ladders that could be swivelled & cranked up with a gear. I love me asking for ‘any old toys you don’t want’ Even then there was no such thing as enough but willingness to accept the mystery ‘any.’
I suspect the ‘thank you’ was suggested by my mother though, that’s not the sort of thing I would have added. An early lesson in trying to curry favour though gratitude. The ‘good at school’ sounds like me. I can’t say if that ‘good’ means if my marks or my behaviour had improved 😉
Envy
if I want what I want
& want it now
does that make me
motivated
decisive
or obsessive
<>
is it better to be goal driven
or to live in the moment
is what happening now
as an end itself
rather than a step
to something better
something so much better in fact
that is happening now
loses flavour
makes me impatient for this to be over
so I can get on to the next best thing to do
<>
if i don’t what i have now
how did i end up with it
should i have had better plans
did i miss the turn
take the wrong page
out of the wrong book
& end up with the last thing i wanted
or is this what i want
but don’t recognize it
have i been blindsided
by some urge
that spun me so far off reality
that i no longer know
what i like anymore
do i want what what i have
<>
if i have what i want
is it important to reach fulfillment
is contentment settling for less
or accepting things as they are
because things aren’t that bad
pretty good in fact
though it took some time
to sort through wants needs
haves
& don’t needs
<>
i always thought i wanted
to be adored
worshipped in fact
because being loved
wasn’t fulfilling
then it dawned on me
that what i really wanted was envy
i wanted people
to wish they had what i have
not that i know
what i really do have
<>
it took awhile to sort that out
to filter it through
the expropriations of cultures
to a point where i had
a hard kernel of fact
that then escaped me[
because there are so many
bubbling hesitations to distract
direct my attention
that i forget what i discovered
so maybe that isn’t
the hard truth either
though i’m better off now
than i was once upon a time
when the world was young
and i was a mere boy
on his way to the old fishing hole
dangling a can of worms
on the end of his line
hot sunny day barefoot on the path
he walks down to the stream bank
warm rocks to sit on
not evening thinking of writing a word
or getting laid
just being
just being
without want
<>
now that is something to envy
TOpoet 