Zero Interest Rate
why I lost interest
wasn’t relevant to letting go
neither of us was that invested
or at least I wasn’t
he was a good technical fuck
made it clear how much he enjoyed
the time we spent together
but as much as he filled me up
he never fulfilled me
he was chatty enough
but conversations went his way
he listened to his voice
his point of view
would ask the same questions
give his answer
talk over mine
so I lost interest
<>
I blocked him on dating sites
rather than go into why
I lost interest
why I found his paranoia
around identity theft
made me distrustful of him
he knew too much for the innocent
because he was black
his racism couldn’t be confronted
he’d merely repeat his view
to call him out
meant that I was the racist
<>
it was a few years
since we’d had contact
then one day there he was
on my door step
having changed his online identity
he’d made contact with me
never let on who he was
did a few things differently
gave me his email
which he’d never done before
though I still didn’t know his real name
the date was set
and there he was
with a slightly smug smile
<>
I wasn’t flattered
but was amused
he was still a good technical fuck
friendly enough
not a listener
talked over my replies
to questions he’d asked
<>
when he left
I blocked him again
somethings don’t change
and he was one of them
“I Can’t Quit Him” – actually ‘Her’ in the Blood, Sweat & Tears song, comes to mind when I think about this poem. If this basic ‘boyfriends past’ seems familiar, it is but is also a different occasion & a different guy too! Now if you are think – he’s bragging, or worse yet, he’s a slut. Get over it! If you are thinking – I hope I have as active a sex life when I’m his age – congratulations. Though those first two thoughts have some truth too.
Often guys who won’t take no for answer think they are demonstrating their persistence, their ardour for you. I see it either as, in one case, sex addiction – no thanks or even sadder desperation – no thanks. It’s not as if I have that active a sex life than I can ‘afford’ to turn down opportunity – but as I’ve said before – just because you’re interested doesn’t mean I have to be.
This is based on a true story! It did happen about two years ago. I have heard from him since mind you. He showed up once day, out of the blue, unmasked & expected me to be eager & grateful. I was neither, even when he did mask & he didn’t get past the porch. He was just in the neighbourhood wanted to drop by.
I didn’t say drop dead – not in the midst of a pandemic – but I was clear this was unacceptable. He was dismayed & claimed other guys have been less inflexible about lockdown restrictions. I told him I’m not like other guys & sent him on his way. I didn’t apologize or even say ‘try me when the pandemic is over’ – though that would have been a good delay, as covid19 will never be over. But better no hope than false hope.
TOpoet 