Motivation Sludge

My next-door neighbour retired shortly before the pandemic shut down the country & restricted travel out of it. Now that it is opening up he feels unmotivated to do anything. Without his work he isn’t finding a sense of purpose – even with a dog, a wife, a garden – he finds it hard to even get up in the morning to do anything. Without stress he apparently feels shapeless & directionless.

I empathized but didn’t have any advice for him – I doubt if what motivates me would appeal to him & even I something feel like I’m going through the motions as opposed to do things that that fulfill me – I do know that even those motions will ripple out in positive ways. But it did make me think about my sense of purpose.

I have another friend, between contract, lost track of what day it was 🙂 Without the routine of a job to deal with time slipped away, even working from home didn’t help & more than once he found himself checking the actual date & day of the week before entering that info on his daily reports. To be honest some times I do consult my cell phone to confirm the date of the day of the week 🙂 

I’m no longer a goal driven person – I do have objectives like finishing that chapter edit, write that poem etc – those are enough for me. Getting published was a prime motivator for me at one time – you know hitting it Big like Stephen King or J. K. Rowling – but getting to know some ‘major’ minor writers I found out the emotional & creative cost for even their level of accomplishment was something I didn’t want to pay.

The things that motivate me are pretty simple, with blogging being near the top of the list. Creating new posts, taking pictures keep me focused; zoom increased the quantity of recovery meetings I could attend – I enjoy f2f meeting but, you know, zoom means I’m there in less than a minute – as opposed to taking an hour or more to get there & another to get home 🙂 Yes, lazy is me 🙂

What motivates me to write? I’ve been asked that more than a few times. My response is usually something like ‘What motivates you to breathe?’

Enough Is Foolishness

let me make one thing 

perfectly clear

I don’t know 

what I’m looking for

never did

when I find what I think 

might be what I’m looking for 

it turns out to be

something I never really wanted 

in the first place 

something that TV said 

was the right thing to have

<>

& so I did what I had to to get it

when I had it

my sense of satisfaction

didn’t match that of the people 

in the commercial

didn’t come with bright lights

or cheery music

only a distracted clerk

handing it to me

with half a smile

looking for the next unhappy customer

<>

I’ve never really known

what it is I truly want

there isn’t enough statistical evidence

no algorithm 

to tell me what it might be

new shoes

the right cellphone

a room full of slightly tipsy friends 

watching TV in some cozy bar

<>

I grind myself at work

to keep up the payments

on all the things

that fill the time space continuum 

with sparky energy

things that make me wonder

what better things 

am I going to find tomorrow

content that clogs up

the arteries of the planet

stuff to be tossed aside

when brighter sparks are offered

when tastier juicier 

mineral enhanced sludge is 

funnelled into my gaping

yawning mouth

seeking the more more more

to burst my gut 

to glut my need for enough

<>

enough

a word I dare not use in pubic

to say I’ve had enough 

a surrender to the hopelessness

of every having what I want

I have to want something

if I don’t have need 

I might as well vanish

jump into the clogged up arteries

to be absorbed by the sludge

<>

I don’t know

what I’m looking for

but I do know

I want to be free of want

Hey! You can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee
sweet, eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

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