Eyes on the Despair

Eyes on the Despair 

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I knew it

I just knew it

that Karen was getting the prize

that should be mine

because the teacher 

didn’t like me

because Karen was sick

the whole class had voted

to give her the prize

she deserved it

because they felt sorry for her

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I was eight or nine at the time

I still feel that resentment

it became message

‘no matter how good you do

someone else always deserves

the prize more

so why bother’

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this message resonates

when I think

only the damaged

can write with an authentic voice

only the disenfranchised

have the right to attention

a loop of self-pity

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I spoke up

when Karen won the prize

I was told not to be so selfish

I was sent home from school

with a note 

telling my parents that I was

an ungrateful

greedy

pushy child 

I had to write 

an apology to Karen

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lesson learned

don’t speak up for yourself

you only sound

indifferent to the plight of others

who deserve to be heard

…….

I enjoy watching competitive cooking reality TV. Yeah I know it is edited & we never ever see those kitchens been cleaned up between challenges – which why the chefs never worry about making a mess 🙂 There is always a little backstory for some of the chefs – their family, their motivation & often they are ‘inspired’ by a spouse/parent/child who has passed away it is about to with some dramatic disease – so they deserve to be there because of their suffering as well as their cooking skills.

I did try a couple of the Jr. versions of these shows but stopped because I am not a fan of child exploitation – I can imagine being a twelve-year being eliminated in front a potential audience of millions & having to be a good loser, while feeling like a total loser & disappointing your parents – who claim to be proud you went as far as you did. Do they have grief therapists on set for these children?

This piece is more about our cultural fixation on suffering as the only key to authenticity. If you haven’t been traumatized you have nothing to say. When I was involved in the slam scene I eventually got dismayed at the way some performs would re-traumatize themselves for points, not for healing. 

Which brings us to the Karen of this piece, to the incident in this piece. Did it actually happen? Is it a fabrication? Does the emotional conflict ring less true if this is a fabrication? Will I answer these questions? No.