Protection
I didn’t feel pain
or rather
I didn’t know
it was supposed to hurt
I thought this is how
it’s supposed to feel
not that I enjoyed it
it wasn’t pain
it wasn’t pleasure
it was merely
this is how I felt
it always would be
that everyone lived in fear
this was my fear
<>
what I was supposed to hide
or be hidden from
after enough time
I became unaware
callose
I learned to live with it
didn’t conceive of being with out it
it was like growing up
in a dark room
not knowing there was light
then one day
a window opens
<>
I see the layers of dust
protection
I’ve been cloaked in
choked in
one fear replaces another
<>
how much can I shed
and still feel safe
One of my theories is that we are taught pain – both physical & emotional – sometimes by the fuss made over us a children when we fall down. Things hurt because we get told they are supposed to hurt – like our fear of emotional pain – of making mistakes – of not being great successes. I grew up in a culture in which being uncomfortable in any way was to be avoided. So to avoid emotional pain – don’t get into relationships, to reduce the pain of failure – don’t try in the first place.
Not that I think being stoic is an ideal but taking the bumps of life personally is not helpful either. No pain no gain – which leads to staying in pain to prove how tough you are – to suffer is noble. Not to suffer is shallow. Tolerating emotional abuse becomes a badge of honour that can be flashed in the face of those who where so ‘self-consumed’ they recognized red flags they didn’t wade in.
We seem to be in a culture in which being inconvenienced is seen as an affront to personal freedom & identity. ‘Wear mask’ – ‘you can’t tell me what to do’ ‘I don’t want the government controlling my life’. Sound familiar? Being inconvenienced vs dying in intensive care? Dying is another of those context in which we are told how to feel so that if one doesn’t feel the depths of grief they end up guilting themselves for not living up to that expectation.
I was talking with friend recently about a sense of … what is the opposite of inclusion? … exclusion? from the commercialized picture of seasonal bliss – a picture primely aimed & including only family units of one sort or another. Single persons are almost faulted & always pitied for that choice. It’s as if choosing once’s own company & avoiding the noise & clamour of the season is not authentic option but an emotional wound that needs to be healed.
Festive greetings in keeping with whatever belief system you follow with others or by yourself – lol.
TOpoet 