Measuring Up
I concede
I’m not that competitive
whether you are better
isn’t that important to me
I want to be judged
on my merits alone
not on how much
better or worse I may be
compared with anyone
better is relative
who is the winner
the one who comes in first
or the one who finishes the race
on their own terms
<>
I grew up
in a school system
where I learned
I would never measure up
because I wasn’t smart enough
to memorize the times table
smart enough
to regurgitate passages of text books
when I wrote exams
even when I was right
I was given no credit
because my spelling was so wrong
<>
coming out
I was never young enough
buff enough
hung enough
to be desirable
in the eyes of those
to whom I was supposed to measure up to
<>
it’s hard to give up
trying to measure up
in a culture were getting ahead
is the measure of value
if you aren’t competitive
you’re a loser
no amount of self-confidence
will change that judgement
<>
so I concede
now leave me alone
judge someone
who deserves to measure up
This piece (finished on Dec 27, 2021) is a variation on one of my themes – cultural expectations vs nonconformity. Regardless of which fragment of our splintered culture one may fit even that splinter has it own set of expectations to measure up to. To step out of heteronormativity isn’t enough – because one ends up in one way or the other duplicating that power dynamic. Good queers ape hetero – adopting children, looking askance at non-monogamy, drag queens are now commercially viable.
The imperative to measure up starts early – prizes for best marks, best attendance from kindergarten on. It’s not a big step from beating the shit out of that kid who bullied you to prove you are manly enough to fucking the shit out that guy you pick up at bar proving you are more manly than him.
It’s not enough to be a good writer or published, you have to be profitable or you aren’t a real writer. Home cooks are inadequate until they win competitive baking shows (usually to make their children proud). Recognition becomes the point of productivity. Getting that gold star becomes the point of school not learning; a gold star to make your parents proud of you, not learning much beyond the power of approval.
TOpoet 