Hurt People Hurt People

Hurt People Hurt People

I know hurt people

hurt people

but the fact that I know

isn’t forgiveness

or permission for you

to act out with me

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I’m not going around on tiptoes

so you are not triggered

I’m not the one 

who did the initial damage

I’m not the one

who is going too put up

with you continuing it

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I’m not going to forgive

forget or get over it

I’m not going to apologize

for not being able to heal you

for defending myself

for saying no more

<>

just because I’m not 

hitting back

not seeking revenge

isn’t permission

approval

or encouragement 

it just a statement of the fact

that you can change

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yeah I know hurt people

hurt people

but I’m not volunteering anymore

& if that hurts you

I can get over it

even if you can’t

We live in a culture where when an apology doesn’t result in being let off the hook the victim gets blamed for not being forgiving. Apologies are often for getting caught not for what they got caught doing. It also seems consequences are only for those who can afford to avoid them. At one time drunk drivers in accidents were given a slap on the wrist & their insurance went up. Ouch. Doing time for hit-&-run – ‘your honour it would ruin his future prospects.’ Seeking reparations is seen as revenge.

Anyway, that’s the big picture. But this undercurrent of having to put up with various toxic behaviours runs through personal relationships as well. I had a friend who grew up in a family that shouted & swore constantly & when he behaved that way with me I asked him to tone it down. He couldn’t & said that if I cared for him I would accept him as he was. No thanks. (He eventually underwent serious therapy we remained friends.)

This pieces in some ways about co-dependancy – We’ve all seen those movies in which the love the right person is all that it takes to turn someone around from self-destruction to self-healing or ones where the loss of the love of the right person leads to total loss of there will to live. Being the ‘right person’ becomes a role model for so many of us we look for damaged people not for intact ones. What do we want – someone to love to someone rescue?

Not to rescue is seen as lack of empathy. If the love of the right person isn’t enough then it’s the fault of the right person. We’re all damaged by cultural norms that need to be questioned but the healing for those hurts doesn’t come from expecting the love of someone else to heal us & then hurting them because it doesn’t.