On a recent Disability After Dark one of the men Andrew interviews admits that he has never had sex sober. That was the story of my sex life until I got into recovery. I needed more than a few drinks in me to engage in sex with men (or, in one case a woman). The guys I drank with in Cape Breton were ‘straight’ & after drinks, many drinks things could happen. Booze was ‘excuse juice.’
I can’t speak to their story but I know for me the fear of being out was enough to keep me in – trapped in crushing crushes on some of the guys I drank with, most of whom had girlfriends, wives. None of them talked about being bi or gay. But I wasn’t so deep in my closet that they didn’t know of my interest.
Those opportunities were rare. I knew things were going to happen when one of them would show up with a case of beer or bottle of scotch. There was no real affection involved beyond ‘that feels great.’ I figured that was what sex was supposed to be. Get drunk and mess around.
Being a drunk was part of the downward spiral of being queer, a compulsive, liar, thief, depressed, misunderstood etc. At the time I’d read a psychology book that outlined various mental issues – homosexuality was then classified as a psychosis, a disease. It also talked about alcohol as a depressive drug – I knew the book was wrong on both counts as booze was the only thing that made me happy – yet I was suicidal by the time I left Cape Breton.
When I arrived in Toronto in the late 70’s getting sober was not part of the plan, but it was one of things that happened. Here I was a sober kid in the boozy candy shop of gay discos. Sex without booze was a terrifying concept. How would I build up the nerve to even approach someone?
Luckily for me there was a solid gay/lesbian presence in recovery so I had examples of that possibility but even they complained of how hard it was to find a good man. I saw the connection between my depression & alcohol. A connection that wasn’t made in the Disability After Dark conversation.
Andrew, if you read this, think about doing an episode dealing with addictions & disability.
Male – White – 27
Charge – Public Urination
our plan was to have a last draft
but when one of my buds made a joke
about the country-western song just ending
I started to cover my laugh
with the hand
that was bringing the glass
to my eager lips
the jerking
jolt flung the sweet amber suds
into a perfect arc over my shoulder
the sweat slippery glass darted
from my loose grip
Oh for a photo of that glorious
go-for-the-gold momentum
beer escaping with glass chasing after it
me turning in my seat
eyes agog mouth agape
stunned amazement
at
the
slow
motion
ballet
I didn’t realized how much energy
I had in my arm
to lift with such ballistic force
that the joke was so freaking funny
to give an extra dash of dynamic energy
the beer flew spread lost perfection
splattered wetly on the table behind us
splashed on food faces
there was a dismayed shriek
anger fucking assholes
the glass came tumbling after
hitting someone on the shoulder
bouncing smashing on the table
I was no longer laughing
no one was laughing
my chair tipped as I stood
it fell in the path of
the bearded biker guy whose girlfriend
got the beer wave in her food
his furious fists punched empty air
as he stumbled over the chair
next thing I knew
my buds and I were outside
in a bitter ten-below-zero wind
I was pissing a steaming amber arc
on a car door handle
while one of my buds was up chucking
a police cruiser pulled over
I turned to get out of the way
slipped in vomit
spun in an imperfect circle
tumbled ass-over-tea-kettle
landed on my back
in a snow bank under a street lamp
fly down limp dick chillin’
boys in blue hauled me to my feet
and that’s one of the many many reasons
I now chose not to drink
every Tuesday 2019
July
Stratford Festival – Nathan The Wise
August 2-13: getting back to my roots in Cape Breton
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September
Shaw Festival – Sex (Mae West)
Stratford Festival – Little Shop Of Horrors
June – Capturing Fire 2020 – Washington D.C. capfireslam.org
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