Spiritual Shreds

Spiritual Shreds

sometimes we can’t wait

<>

the rush of kisses

clasping grinding

the restraint of denim

too much

as our erections strain

against each other 

through that pointless fabric

it almost sheds itself

is the rush

from tongue to tongue

to tongues on cocks

under foreskins

under balls

over buttholes

<>

we have to consume

as much of each other as possible

as fast as possible

edging irrelevant

coming mandatory

demanded again

sucking fucking

without relaxation

we aren’t here for foreplay

we are here to consummate

consume

climax

<>

Should I have posted this with a warning? “Contains adult language, nudity & explicit male-on-male sex?”  Or was it safe to assume my followers here won’t be surprised or offended by erotica? There was a time when I was less explicit, less in your pants, about sex acts but that self-censorship was shame based. So I stopped. When I was doing spoken-word shows I can remember the shocked reactions to the line in one of my poems ‘new boyfriend only fifteen’ with a pause before ‘years younger than me.’ (Boyfriend – https://topoet.ca/2015/04/01/boyfriend/)

I remember another time, after I done a feature set, in which only one piece was sexual, another poet, who read some pieces about being a new father, came up after to say ‘why do you gay guys only write about sex?’ I replied ‘why do you straight guys only write about parent?’ He gave a little laugh & walked away shaking his head – clearly parenthood is more emotionally resonant & authentic & suitable for serious writers. 

But, as usual, I digress, or do I? I don’t think there’s anything to explain in this piece. It is based on actual events in my life. As such it is a celebration of the surrender to lust without hesitation or apology in the face of a culture in which pleasure is shallow & suffering is deep. There’s no attempt to make it into a spiritual experience either in order to elevate it from the sheer physicality.

The explicit is also a reaction to the current of heteronormativity that has infiltrated lgbtq so that sex is repressed in the world homosexual so as to make it more ‘acceptable.’ This sort of erasure still goes on to somehow not offend the mainstream. Even in the recent Colorado shooting – at first it was deemed more correct to call one of the defenders a ‘drag queen’ rather than state it was trans person. Drag queen has become more ‘acceptable’ thanks to RuPaul. In the USA ‘trans’ is used as political dynamite to distract voters from actual issues.


Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee
– sweet, eh? paypal.me/TOpoet 

Picture Perfect 128 

Picture Perfect 128

Dan shook his head as he looked at the wall calendar in his office at the Depot. It just over a year ago since he had first seen the Cold Canada episode that turned him life upside down. The Cold East success had other networks texting down his door to get him to sign on to do shows for them. He wasn’t interested.

Janis Hadley’s trial was to begin soon. She had refused all legal advice as her actions were the Lord’s intention. She accepted full responsibility for those actions & would accept her Saviour’s judgment as pronounced by the courts. 

In her statement to the investigators she claimed Cora Murchison was responsible for abducting & liberating the spirits of the children. She was an accomplice not a killer. There were no witnesses to to refute that claim. DNA testing established that Troy was not her son but did indicate that the was a Chamberlain but wasn’t definitive as to whether was the father of son that had fathered him.

Troy AuCoin statement was that his mother had killed Winston Chamberlain as he had been blackmailing her about Troy’s parentage & had threatened to go the police with his information about Cora Murchison. He also admitted his was idea to abduct Dan to protect the sacredness of the Convergence conjuration that Janis claimed was threatened.

In the silence of his office Dan ticked off the events in his head. What was he checking his calendar? Oh yes – to make sure this wasn’t his FairVista Lifend demo day. It wasn’t. Part of the business separation deal was that he continue with demos even though there was now a three year waiting list for their custom-made products. The company resisted increasing production to keep up with the demand that resulted from the Cold East exposure.

Dan lounged to himself at the number of knock-off that had surfaced on the market with names like Lifriend, Lifrind, Lifer, even Life End. One of the Lifrind cameras had been brought in to FairVista by an irate man who demanded it be replaced. When it pointed out to him that it wasn’t Lifend he was enraged. At the time Dan resisted telling the man he had paid $11,000 for a knock off probably worth about $11.00.

Before going down to the shop floor he couldn’t resist checking the numbers for Cold East, again. The show had debuted in Japan on the weekend, where it already had the largest share. What more could he ask for? Yet, the more attention the show got, the more attention he got, the more isolated he felt. His life had been subsumed by this unexpected success. No one wanted to talk about anything else. Even at the Lifend demos the questions invariably came to – is the type of camera you were using when those snakes attacked? 

The only relief he had was Jeremy Moxham, who had proved to be a sympathetic ear & diversion. When they met up for dinner they talked about things other than work. The first ‘date’ had been when Dan had called to tell him about Sanjay’s marriage to Sylvan Papoulias. Sylvan had called out of the blue to tell him. From what Dan gathered in that conversation Sanjay began ‘romancing’ hime that first week-end in Bobcaygeon.

…..

Home after work Dan was naked by the time he started up the stairs to take a shower. He looked around the house thinking, once again, perhaps it was time to sell it. The memories had seeped into the walls. IOf he wanted to move on that would be a good step to take. He’d considered remodelling but that wasn’t a fresh enough start. 

 He was half-way up the stairs when the doorbell rang. He stopped his undies off the floor & pulled them back on before answering. It was Jeremy.

“Sorry if I’m a bit early.”

“No problem. I was on my way to the shower.” Dan shut the door once Jeremy was inside.

“Aw, you didn’t have to dress down for me.” Jeremey laughed. “When did you get this done?” Jeremy asked looking at the tattoo on Dan’s arm.

“The Friday that Cold East debuted. I had to do something to honour what I’ve survived & this is what I chose to do.” Dan gently brushed the shoulder to wrist sleeve tattoo on his left arm. It tingled under his fingertips. “I was waiting for it to fully healed before showing it to anyone.”

“A tattoo is forever. At least one that size is. This is all of it I hope.”

“Why? You aren’t the one who has to live with it.” He put his shirt on. “You’re the first one to see it.”

“Let me show you something.” Jeremy undid his pants and pushed them below his knees.

“Whoa!” Dan said. “This is rather sudden.” It was the first time he’d seen Jeremy this close to naked.

“Look here, not there.” He held his bulge back and tugged up the right leg of his boxers.

There was a tattoo of a buxom woman in lacy undergarments. “Ashley’s mother, whose name shall go unmentioned. You think I enjoy … washing her boobs every time I take a shower.”

“I’ve seen swimsuit pics of you but that was never in them.”

“Make up or photo erase. Usually baggy shorts that go to my knees to keep it out of sight.” He pulled his pants back up.

“This isn’t the same. I needed some way to honour all him. Without those children I wouldn’t be here.” He hadn’t told Jeremey everything that happened in the confrontation with Janis. Only the RCMP knew. He hadn’t even given Cold East all the details.

“I get that but …”

“Why the snake?” The outline of Peter’s head & torso were partially filled in. Around him the tail of a snake was coiled across his stomach with the head of the white cobra on his biceps. The white popped off the indigo background. The red eyes were piercing and the tongue was shadowed to create a 3D effect. “It’s Silas. They both saved my life.”

“There’s something I’ve been wanting to ask you for months now.” Jeremy said after doing his pants up. He stood to face Dan. “Since I heard how you almost got killed by that mad woman.”

“I can’t tell you any more about that I have. It’s all Cold property now. Until I write a book about it.”

“I’ve heard all I need to know.”

“I’m listening.” Dan buttoned his shirt. “I’ve been blogging the progress. I’m amazed at the number of new followers I’ve gotten for it. I guess you weren’t one of them.”

“Dan shut up for a minute.”

“I was just thinking ….”

“I was just thinking we should get married!” Jeremy blurted. “I have …” he took a small, red velvet bag out his back pocket, “been carrying this around for too long.” He shook a ring out of it. “The thought you you dying … I love you.” He slipped the ring on Dan’s finger. The red gem sparkled in the light. It was surrounded with smaller white ones that reflected some of red. The band was a twined silver,

“Jeremy!” Dan turned his hand in the light. “I don’t know what to say. It’s just …”

“You don’t like it!”

“It’s not that.”

“What? You don’t love me? Don’t desire me? Dan, I can make you very comfortable.”

“You don’t have to sell yourself to me Jeremy. I’ve been though a lot and …. I’m not the marrying type. You know that. It was difficult enough getting out of my non-marriage with Sanjay.”

“You are afraid of commitment.” Jeremy said. “Plain and simple. That’s because the men you’ve met have disappointed you. I won’t.”

“If by commitment you mean sexual fidelity then you are asking for the unlikely, if not the impossible. I’m the one that disappointed them. If you are asking me to marry you to make your coming out, which you would have to do, legitimate in the eyes of the public then its not love but p.r. ”

“P.R?”

“Like … Elton John and David Furnish … the high-power, idealized, married, queer couple. You want another trophy partner like your ex-wife.”

“That’s not true.”

“You cared for Elizabeth, whose name should go unmentioned? Her, the top fashion model and you, sport celebrity of the decade.”

“I did love her, at first. After all she’s the mother of my child.”

“And what happened?”

“She was unfaithful to me.”

“My point exactly. You want an idealized picture to present the world. I’m not knocking that. It works for many but as I said – fidelity isn’t how I want to have my love in a relationship defined.”

“Then how do you want it defined?” Jeremy asked. “I want to know. Trust is crucial, that’s what relationships are built on. Isn’t it? What is it that you want? What would make you happy?”

“Who said I was unhappy as I am. Yes, I’m sad about Peter. I realized how much I cared for him when he died. I didn’t have to be committed to him to feel my heart breaking.”

“That’s exactly how I would have felt if you had died then.”

“So you want to get married to avoid feeling like that?” Dan asked. “I like you a lot Jeremy. For a rich dickhead you’re not such a dickhead. But you have that head buried in the sand.”

“And not up your ass like Peter’s was.”

“Good one but that was no secret. If he hadn’t died, if I said yes to marriage, that would still be no secret. Fuck this is so much like the argument Sanjay and I used to have. Marry me. Marry me. Turns out he wanted a marriage partnership to …. secure his business partnership. Now he’s marrying that business partner.”

“So there are some areas of trust that mean something to you.”

“If he had been sleeping around I wouldn’t have cared as much. But my Dad was always clear about business honesty.” What was he saying? His Dad lead two lives, how much of his own past could he trust. “Turns out he wasn’t so good about emotional honesty.”

“Say you’ll think about it.” Jeremy asked.

“I doubt if I’ll change my mind or mend ways that I don’t think to be mended.” Dan slipped the ring off. “Thank you for asking me though.” He gave it back to Jeremy.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License

Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees  sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet 

True Love

True Love

 

she shows me

the new backpack

that her boyfriend had bought her

for her sixtieth birthday

he was so pleased with the colour

her favourite green

she hates it

but she didn’t tell him that

it’s not the right fit

on her shoulders

like the wonderful red parka

he bought her for Christmas

she loves the colour

but the zipper doesn’t work right

she has to zip a little 

before putting it on

 

I guess he’s from India

as she imitates his accent

I like so much to give you things

she’s grateful to receive his gifts

but will insist

that in future she go with him

when he’s going to buy 

a surprise for her

she asks me

if that sounds reasonable

 

I’m not sure

why she’s asking me

or if she’s showing off

that she has a boyfriend

who buys her things

Another true life adventure – well adventure is over-stating the incident. The ‘she’ is a recovery  acquaintance. We don’t constantly talk about the futile battle of life 🙂 Life if full of small pleasantry & learning to recognize & share them is a part of becoming life-sized. Though sometimes I do wish some people would develop a better sense of boundaries 🙂

The conversation here is about the trivialities of life, relationships &, for me, control. Not that I haven’t received gifts that didn’t quite suit me but I’ve never thought, I’m not going to give specific directions on what I can be given – “here’s a file of my sizes, preferred colours, flavours & if your gift doesn’t fulfill these strictures I’m not interested.”

I found the conversation amusing but found myself thinking that here was someone who may never be pleased with anything so I’d better not give them more than a handshake. I’m also is favour of boyfriends as any age. I rarely talk about my own romantic adventuring though – as accepting as many people are they don’t need to hear me brag about my active sex life.

 

So the piece ends with me projecting a bit on her about the nature of ‘brag.’ But it also reflects that fact that what people tell us isn’t always in the content of ‘what’ they say but the ‘why’ they say. The subtext. Am I telling you about the randomness of ‘ordered on line underwear’ sizing (some countries large is medium in North America) – to find a better place to order or just to let you know I like underwear & that I order it on line. (btw I do know the right underwear size for all my boyfriends).


Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee at Capturing Fire 2020 June 25.26.27. – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet 

Age in Play

One of the men I see frequently recently celebrated his birthday. He is much younger than me. As are most of the men I am intimate with – part of that is the aging process, part of that is that many men around my age won’t have sex with men around my age. I’m not that concerned with age, though I do find over-30 is a reasonable boundary – but younger is fine if they fit some of my preferences 🙂

I’m only thinking about the age gap because the hosts of Gayish podcast, on an earlier podcast, tangent-talked about what the youngest & oldest person they’ve been intimate with & another time talked about when was too old to go clubbing (apparently 30 is the cut off age for clubbing). Both of them concluded that more than 10 year older or younger, was the limit for  either of them. What they don’t realize is that the older you get the less restricted the age limit will become.

 

In North American culture ageism is unavoidable – often the notion of an older person with some clearly involved someone younger is seen as a joke, ‘no fool like an old fool,’ ‘I hope the money is good.’ Even I find it creepy in movies to see the older male star become the romantic object of a much younger female star. Is she looking for a daddy figure, a sugar daddy, or merely a more sexually experienced partner? Or is some writer indulging his own sex fantasy?

 

I’ve blogged about some of this before – the way sexually active seniors are viewed as perverts of some sort or denied any right to be sexual – at your age you should be over all that. Though I’m not sure what age is ‘your age.’ Not that I see myself as a senior either 🙂

This is a piece I’ve performed many times. The gap represents a pause I take when I do the piece & nearly every time there has been an audible gasp from someone in the audience.

Boyfriend

I’m so excited   

I have a new boy friend

he’s barely fifteen

 

 

 

 

years younger than me

 

did that pause catch you off guard 

were you sure I was going to say 

he was only fifteen years old

 

was it hard enough to think of a man

having a boyfriend at all

then add to it 

the shudder that it was

an innocent 

emotionally underdeveloped

fifteen year old child

 

though I can remember me at fifteen

jacking off to visions of rock star cock

Jimi Hendrix        Bruce Springsteen

that I wished there in my bed

telling you too much am I

get used to it

I’ve heard enough straight poets go on 

sparing no intimate details

about blissful raspberry nipples

moist peach fuzzed mounds 

 

so I’ll talk about man on man action

even if it makes some of you restless

a bit bored     a bit threatened

girl on girl would make you more comfortable

I usually try to make the nestling 

of men’s bodies into each other

sound sort of sweet and tender

pulling myself away 

from the gasp   grasp of sweat    pubic hair

 

so I’m excited 

about my new boyfriend

though I hate ‘boyfriend’

boy carries that too young taint

man friend isn’t close

lover is more complex 

than it is at this point

bed buddy     yeah I like that 

 

I have a new bed buddy

he’s nearly fifteen 

years younger than me

https://wp.me/P1RtxU-2f6

every Tuesday 2019

July

Stratford Festival – Nathan The Wise

August 2-13: getting back to my roots in Cape Breton
Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee on my trip to Cape Breton – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet 

September

Shaw Festival – Sex (Mae West)

Stratford Festival – Little Shop Of Horrors

June  – Capturing Fire 2020 – Washington D.C.  capfireslam.org 

Hey! Or you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington at 2020’s capfireslam.org – sweet, eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblr

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/topoet

 

Boyfriend

sample

Boyfriend

I’m so excited

I have a new boy friend

he’s barely fifteen

years younger than me

<>

did that pause catch you off guard

were you sure I was going to say

he was only fifteen years old

<>

was it hard enough to think of a man

having a boyfriend at all

then add to it the shudder that it was

an innocent emotionally underdeveloped

fifteen year old child

<>

though I can remember me at fifteen

jacking off to visions of rock star cock

Jimi Hendrix Bruce Springsteen

that I wished there in my bed

<>

telling you too much am I

get used to it

I’ve heard enough straight poets go on

sparing no intimate details

about blissful raspberry nipples

moist peach fuzzed mounds

so I’ll talk about man on man action

even if it makes some of you restless

a bit bored     a bit threatened

girl on girl would make you more comfortable

<>

I usually try to make the nestling

of men’s bodies into each other

sound sort of sweet and tender

pulling myself away

from the gasp   grasp of sweat    pubic hair

<>

so I’m excited

about my new boyfriend

though I hate boyfriend

boy carries that too young taint

man friend isn’t close

lover is more complex than it is at this point

bed buddy     yeah I like that

<>

I have a new bed buddy

he’s nearly fifteen

years younger than me

This month I am looking at some of the pieces I may be reading as part of Born To Be Blown. All pieces deal with music I grew up with from Mario Lanza to the Blues Magoos. Boyfriend presents the context of much of it. I’ve written before about the lack of openly queer role models I grew up and this touches on that a little. There’s also this sense of having no guidance at all other that straight poets.

redsweater
parked red

I like the little ‘fooled you’ about sex and age at the start of the piece. It’s fun to perform with an actual pause with a big foolish grin to let minds jump to fifteen years old so I can catch them in mid-judgement of me. It plays into the illusion that all queers are pedophiles. Even at fifteen I wasn’t that attracted to boys my age. There is math teacher I’ve written about though.

whitewrap
your Ikea kit is here

Some of my musical hotties get name checked – only two as that list could go on & on. I certainly remember scouring lp’s covers pics for any hint of what might be in to r’n’r jeans. John Lennon was the only one who ever gave us the goods.

It moves into ‘present’ time with talk about self-censoring when I first starting hitting open stages, being shy about being too out, even been criticized for being too out in fact a male poet who were very explicit about his heterosex longings. I’m not sure where the ‘raspberry nipples’ came from.

blue&white
composition in blue & white

At one time I did make an effort to present man on man without naming body parts but that got to be too phobic and I’m now quite comfortable to call a cock a dick if it fits the piece.

partsnoir

yellow snow

farewell yellow snow

thanks