Measure Up

Measure Up

I concede 

I’m not that competitive

whether you are the better

isn’t that important to me

I want to be judged

on my merits alone

not on how much 

better or worse I may be

compared with anyone

better is relative


who is the winner

the one who comes in first 

or the one who finishes the race

on their own terms


I grew up

in a school system

where I learned 

I would never measure up

because I wasn’t smart enough

to memorize the times table

smart enough

to regurgitate passages of text books

when I wrote exams

even when I was right

I was given no credit

because my spelling was so wrong


coming out

I learned I would never measure

I was never young enough

buff enough

hung enough

to be desirable enough

in the eyes of those

who I wanted to measure up to

without realizing

I was trying to measure up

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Out Out Damn …

On a recent Disability After Dark Andrew Gurza interviews his mother about his coming out. It is a rich episode, one that anyone who has come out will find lots to identify with – plus the story of his birth is incredible – though knowing what US medical care costs I wonder if his family is still paying it off.

One thing that gets overlooked is that gay people are always coming out – we don’t just come out once to our family & friends. We practically come out every time we meet someone who assumed the default setting that the world is cis-hetero. Even if sexuality isn’t relevant it becomes an issue if we hold back that information & the other finds out. “I want this wedding cake but with two men on the top.”

When I was actively involved as a lab rat for medical research – often one of a group of up to 40 others – guys would be talking about girlfriends, wives, children etc. I’d often be asked if I had any children, or how my wife/girlfriend felt about me doing this sort of work. Conversations to pass the tedious time that I avoided as much as possible.

Andrew’s mother was non-pulsed, & much like my parents, were more concerned about the social ramifications of being out. Back in the day, before I came out, same-sex sex was illegal, secretive, evil, dirty. I didn’t come out fully to my parents until after I had moved to Toronto. By then some of the laws had changed, but let’s face it, you can’t legislate thought. Even today’s laws haven’t reduced the amount of violence directed at the gay community.

I never had the sort of in depth discussion with my family about coming out as Andrew did with his. Then again I never had any discussion about sex period. I learned it all from Playboy & Penthouse; & when I found a source from gay porn novels & magazines. I can’t even remember if I ever had a discussion with anyone about what it felt like to come out while I was coming out. Gay guys I met then were more interested in dick size, top, bottom, than how do you emotionally feel about being who you are. But I eventually met a perfect match.

A Perfect Match

the first time

I was really with a woman

I ran my fingers

through her dark hair

as she touched mine

you have such fine hair she told me

she kissed me   lips gentle

opened her mouth a little

my hand under her sweater

searched along her bra


we continue to kiss on the bed

I held her soft breasts

solid    light yet with weight    substance

circled blissful raspberry nipples

with my thumbs

I had read Penthouse    Playboy

I knew the mechanics

of peach fuzzed mounds


she pulled off my pants

more kissing touching

you’re a sweet kisser she told me

she moved my hand to her thatch

splayed my fingers

pushed them in one by one

that feels good she whispered


the folds were sticky

she guided my cock

I rocked my hips in   out

it was warm moist frictionless

she clenched with her leg muscles

breathed heavily into my ear

then we rolled apart

I didn’t come    wasn’t even close

she smiled kissed me some more


I couldn’t wait to wash my hands


the first time

I was really with a man

never read what to do

I knew exactly what to do

we yanked at each others’ clothes

tongues raced pulse pounding

so much friction

I came

like a match being struck

chapbooks for sale


HotDamn! It’s A Queer Slam


June – dates t.b.a – Capturing Fire 2018 – Washington D.C.

Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy ice cream in Washington at 2018’s – sweet,eh?

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Coming Out in DC

The final full day in Washington was lazy and productive. I aimed for two museum trips & such at Ted Bulletin. The over 35C cut things down to one museum: This Jewish Military on R Street – a fifteen minute walk from my hotel. I love these ‘modest’ collections that convey to me a different perspective. One two floors there was enough to see to feel how these soldiers were trying to a part of culture & prove their patriotism and manliness.


Most of the material focused on the two World Wars. I was touched by the trench art work refashioning bomb casings into vases. There was sense of the hands that made these items as they were eating to fight. I was suitably impressed by the array of medals some of these men had been awarded – arrays of over a dozen in some cases. I saw my first purple heart in the flesh. I bought a couple of camouflage Yarmulkes – perhaps the oddest souvenir I’ve ever purchased. (More Jewish museum pics:

Reluctantly I left the museum & headed to 14th Street to lunch at Ted’s Bulletin – one I figure out which way was north I found the diner without any trouble. I love the 30’s detail of this spot & I highly recommend to anyone visiting DC – weekdays are fine – weekend lines-up are too much for me. The food was great – I had a too large breakfast with both bacon & sausage – I still prefer link to patty though & those stringy home fries are weird.

While I was there I did some writing. My friend Lizzie Violet blogs ( about writing in cafes – but this is something I rarely do. After hearing some pieces about coming out at Capturing Fire I wrote one about my coming out. It’s below & is a very rough draft transcribed directly from my note book. I had to restrain myself rom playing stoic as I wrote it. But I’m not stoic to deny that I’ll be a bit sorry to head home but also that I look fraud to sleeping my my own little bed & having my entire tee shirt collection to choose from 🙂

Past Washington posts

Wrote this while at lunch at Ted’s Bulletin Tuesday June 13, 2017

When I Came Out

when I came out to my friends

I did it by stages

timid stages

like: I’m not queer but if

(name of handsome movie star)

wanted me

I’d be willing to explore

but the truth was

I’d jacked off

to a bathing suit photo of

(name of handsome movie star)

who decades later came out


when I came out to my friends

as 100% queer

some were like:

you know I’m not that way


never spoke to me again


got drunk with me to explore


when I came out to my mother

she said

don’t tell your father

when I came out to my father

he said

don’t tell your mother


when I came out

no one said



it’s about fucking time


engaged me in conversations

like conversations guys had

about girls they’d like to screw

those playboy bunnies

no one ever asked

are you seeing someone

no one said

oh I work with a gay guy

maybe you’d like to meet him


it was as if

being queer

I’d suck any male dick

without discrimination


no one said

you must feel incredibly alienated

in this small town hard drinking

red neck hetero culture


maybe I was too stoic

not wanting to let anyone in

being queer was bad enough

without presenting myself

as a weepy drama queen

I had to be man enough

masculine enough

so no one would suspect

how much emotion uncertainty

I was experiencing

thanks to that constant rasping

of faggot gear box


hearing that

so & so friend of someone

was gay

and had hung themselves

had stepped in front of a semi

on a dark highway

told that by friends

who never said

I hope you don’t do that


if you feel like that talk to us


when I came out

I was left to my own devices

and survived

and sometimes

I still jack off to the memory

of that bathing suit photo of

(name of handsome movie star)

Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington at 2018’s – sweet,eh?