Saying Too Many Names

At the end of 2017 there was no proof of a Toronto serial killer – the lgbtq community was merely being theatrical – it was just a bunch of swishy, disgruntled attention seekers who didn’t feel getting the right to marriage was enough to keep their fucking mouths shut. They weren’t professionals whose duty it was to protect the public. 

Four months later we have an alleged serial killer with, so far, eight murder charges against him. Apparently these guys start young so the case has been extended back to the 70’s! The disgruntled, attention seeking police are now even more disgruntled at being denied the opportunity to march in the Pride Parade. So this is how we show our gratitude for all they do for the community. I just hope evidence doesn’t end up ‘compromised’ as the case advances. That sort of mishandling never happens

As I see the photos and information about these men, who are all dead (& that is incontestable) I am sadden to see that some of them had never been reported missing in the first place. Such as Kanagaratnam who was probably murdered in 2015. Did families figure ‘oh he’s gone to work in Calgary & will get in touch when he is successful enough?’ Were the families so fearful of the police thanks to their experiences in their troubled home countries? Or where they like Dean Lisowick, men no one really cared what happened to? 

 

These are the identified victims (so far) Selim Esen, 44,; Abdulbasir Faizi, 44; Majeed Kayhan, 58; Kirushna Kumar Kanagaratnam, 37;  Andrew Kinsman, 49; Dean Lisowick, 47; Soroush Mahmudi, 50; Skandaraj Navaratnam, 40. I’ll repeat their names. His will probably never be forgotten so there’s no need for me to mention it.

La Mer

What I miss most about the sea

is the sound of waves

                              Not

The waves themselves

With their deeply melodic cold

Or their careless foam caps

But their thunder

as they blast the kelpy rocks

   Lightning in a hail of night

 

What I miss most about the night

is the black of waves

                             Not

The dark itself

With its ungiving distance

Or its depth of stars

But its moon

As it unfurls unwilling waves

   Flags in triumphant passage

 

What I miss most about the passage

Is the motion of waves

                                Not

The heave itself

With its unbreathing breath

Or its reflections of the moon

But its tongue

As it rolls pebbles into sand

   Raindrops calming the sea with kisses

 

What I miss most about kisses

Is the waves of sleep

                             Not

The sleep itself

With its endless silver bed

Or its too soon morning yawn

But its caress

As it nudges my fathomless ache

Sirenes tugging me to the sea of you

What I miss most about the sea

Is you

https://wp.me/P1RtxU-2f6


http://www.queerslam.com

every Tuesday

June 8-9 – Capturing Fire 2018 – Washington D.C. (flight & hotel already booked) capfireslam.org 

Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy ice cream in Washington at 2018’s capfireslam.org – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

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Ew on Film

On recent Disability After Dark, “Me Before Ew,” Andrew Gurza dissects – no, he vivisects, the film “Me Before You” – disclaimer I have not seen this movie & after his comments have interest in seeing it. I love his relentless no-holds-barred evisceration of this supposedly feel-good movie. It falls into the category of the noble self-sacrificing (fill in the blank: disabled person, homosexual, manic depressive) who opts for death rather than burden the one they love with having to deal with life with a hopeless (fill in the blank).

This trope shows up time & time again in film, tv & literature. I’ve been watching the boxset ‘Pioneers of African-American Cinema’ & so far at least two of the films the plot turns on the darker of the love-birds leaving their true love because they don’t want to burden them with the shame of having such a black partner. The noble self-sacrifice.

Andrew felt that the emotional or physical nature of disability wasn’t accurately explored. It sounded to me that in was merely a device to allow, in this case, the female to demonstrate that maternal loving sees beyond all limits – in particular when the object is rich & good-looking. Making them attractive, but not pretty, allowed it all to be palatable for audiences.

The podcast led me to think of how disability has been depicted or exploited by film & literature. One that comes to mind is A Christmas Carol & the manipulative use of Tiny Tim to break our hearts. There is nothing in the story, or any of the film versions, that gives a real look at Victorian attitudes to ‘mobility issues’ other than what a pity & how brave Tim is. The streets of London were littered with men disabled in wars who were reduced to abject poverty, locked up so the ‘good’ folks wouldn’t have to actually see them. The other Dickens character that come to mind in the hideous dwarf hunchback Mr. Quilp in The Old Curiosity Shop.

(A side note: the major Victoria manufacturer of artificial limbs was the railway because so many trains men lost limbs in their work.)

Speaking of hunchbacks there is Victor Hugo’s Hunchback of Notre Dame. Much of the novel deals with the street life of the disabled in Paris that provided for many of them a safe haven where there weren’t ridiculed or shunned. At least some of these characters are given a context other than being the mere plot device that Tiny Tim is.

I had originally intended to call this ‘Crips on Film’ & Andrew gave me his seal of approval to do so but … as much as I want to see the word reclaimed I think it’s best for me to leave that to Andrew who is doing  an amazing  job on that score without my help.

To be continued – coming next week Baby Jane.

Adam in the Morning

o that I were Adam each morning

given the privilege of naming

finding a word for each of the ways

I discover to love

 

o that I were Adam with no memory

no libraries describing things beyond

this moment’s opportunity to experience

a man with no past

with only the future of love to anticipate

to surrender to

to roll in the sweet earth of

looking for another rib

looking a new object to utter

to pretend word equals understanding

when it’s only bare comprehension

 

o that I were Adam

with no mate only himself

only his own body to discover

to give name to each of the sensations

from head to toe

with no name for head or toe

only the awe and delight

in reaching out to touch to savour

to sing those words

with no merciless weight of taboo or totem

no referential wink and nod to the wise

 

o that I were Adam

given the privilege of creating love

discovering your body for the first time

each time we meet

having only the sensation of fingers

no time to speak

enraptured by the invention of next

by the tremble of how long will this last

before we are flooded by names

 

o that we were Adam

speechless thoughtless

merely aware

together

in a blinding morning haze

at the dawn of an unnamable world

https://wp.me/P1RtxU-2f6

HotDamn! It’s A Queer Slam


http://www.queerslam.com

April 03 – every Tuesday

June 8-9 – Capturing Fire 2018 – Washington D.C. (flight & hotel already booked)
 capfireslam.org 

Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy ice cream in Washington at 2018’s capfireslam.org – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

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“How could anyone … ”

I watched the W5 piece on the Village murders, which told me nothing new. That some of the victims were immigrants who come here to be free to be gay while still being the closet to their wives & families was a sad irony – that they died for the opportunity is even sadder.

 


The cultural bondage of gender roles and sexual acceptability is clearly reflected in the b&d scenes the accused offered online. Of course this was not explored in the brief W5 piece which focused on ineffective police response and the lurid sensationalism of – wtf – cannibalism! Let’s take what is already a disgusting situation and make it even worse so we can paint the gay world as sick as we possibly can.

This isn’t the search for truth but exploitation. I sensed that the reporter was relishing the opportunity to say what was said. Legitimizing the opportunity to use language just for the sake of being sensational. So far, there’s been no mention of the role of impaired judgement. It is presented as if these men where somehow complicit in what happened to them by letting it happen at all. “How could anyone” shifts the blame to the victim from the predator.

In watching the W5 I was also dismayed to realize that as much time & money was spent on nice graphics & music as is probably spent on helping the victims’ families. One of the reporters said they had been closely following the case for months – fuck! This has been going for years! Media and police were alerted almost a decade ago – maybe if they had started following this case closely before it became so sensational some of these victims might be alive today.

These are the identified victims (so far) Selim Esen, 44; Andrew Kinsman, 49; Majeed Kayhan, 58; Soroush Mahmudi, 50; and Dean Lisowick, 47. I’ll repeat their names. His will probably never be forgotten so there’s no need for me to mention it.

Guilt

he told me I had too many shoes

I almost told him to drop dead

I have no sympathy for the shoeless

how did he know

that they didn’t prefer it that way

besides I’m helping the economy

he said I have too many cds

tee shirts

so many books

I am single-handedly responsible

for depleting acres of the rain forest

in my insatiable hunger for more

as mother earth stumbles

to a sobbing heap begging

no more please please

this rape and pillage has got to stop

 

so I have more shoes

than I can wear at one time

what fucking business is it of his anyway

his eyes glance around my place

going from the neat rows of shoes

neat rows of cd’s books

tidy piles of tee shirts

then to the  bed

 

we’d met at rally

to protest auto sector bail out

hit it off over free trade coffee

at a non-chain coffee shop

that gave a discount for our travel mugs

we were on the same page about issues

till I brought him back to my place

 

he started in on

my drive-in-sized TV

how TV was mind rot

how books were part of the problem

reading for solutions

rather getting out there making it happen

 

when we got to my bedroom

and he saw the shoes

and gasped

my that’s a lot of shoes

for someone who lives alone

I bit my tongue instead of his

laid back to glare at the ceiling

his head a lighthouse beam revealing

all my self-indulgent planet-wasting

depleting thoughtless humanness

 

finally he laid back

one hand gently on my stomach

and like mother earth

he let me have my way with him

because sex with guilt is always the best

https://wp.me/P1RtxU-2f6

kiss3

March 8, Thursday – Hot Damn! It’s A Queer Slam Workshop: 4 pm at Glad Day with D’Scribe.

March 8, Thursday – Hot Damn! It’s A Queer Slam Slam: 8 pm Buddies In Bad Times Theatre Feature D’Scribe

https://www.facebook.com/events/2000968880141003/

HotDamn! It’s A Queer Slam

http://www.queerslam.com

April 03 – every Tuesday

June 8-9 – Capturing Fire 2018 – Washington D.C. (flight & hotel already booked) capfireslam.org 

Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy ice cream in Washington at 2018’s capfireslam.org – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblr

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Regifting 101

samprules2

Started a new set of prompts – I love lists of things – this one will prove to be endlessly productive for another couple of years – 227 Rules For Monks. Who knew the simple life could be so complex. This is number 25 from the 30 nissaggiyas.

Regifting 101

That’s alright

please keep it

I don’t really need it

I have too many already

it’s not quite the right fit for me

the colour is right for you

I don’t know

when I’ll ever use it

I want you to have

you’ll get more use out of it than I would

I can’t begrudge you anything

of course you can have it

I only wore it once

let me see it on you

it really suits you

it looks better on you

than it ever did on me

no I don’t hate it

it’s just not right for me

they were on sale

you’e be doing me a favour

I never want to see it again

too many memories

time to move the energy out of my life

if you don’t want it

I’ll have to throw it away

I don’t it to go to waste

it’s too good

to drop in a donation box

I want someone I know to have it

you won’t regret it

don’t thank me

thank whomever

gave it to me

Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington at 2018’s capfireslam.org – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblr

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Myths And Realities

I went to Glad Day on Thursday Oct 19 to take in the ‘Myths And Realities Of Artists’ Health Panel Discussion’ by Mahlikah Awe:ri, Charlie C Petch and Dr. Chase McMurren. The event was co-produced by akinprojects.org & artistshealth.com. It was to start at 7 but by the time I arrived at 6:30 there was already a full house. Each of the panelists presented different myths & realities. 

The first myth was our expectation of social media – allowing ourselves to be caught up constantly comparing our progress with the posted progress of others & feeling we never measure up. Personally I think the real myth of social media is that it is a platform for selling yourself & if it isn’t then you are the problem not the medium.

I suspect the only people who make a million selling stuff on the internet are people selling books about how to make a million dollars selling stuff omg the internet. On-line life can be distracting though & somewhat addictive: what so-&-so is faint can be much more compelling that re-writing that poem or working on that painting.

Another myth – the one I really related to – is the yearning to fulfill the expectation of ones passions – if we aren’t always consumed by passion then we aren’t creating – the reality is that passion is the spark, the fuel – not the fire – passion needs to be contained to be productive or it consumes itself & the artist leaving them drained & unproductive. An affirmation that I use is: writers write, not wait, for inspiration.

One of the realities discussed was finding time to create, make a living, & having an opportunity to just be. The myth creatives are constantly productive leaves little opportunity to be still – being still leads to stress one isn’t doing or fulfilling their passion. Stress leads to …. well we all know what stress leads to.

The focus was more on the mental & psychological than the physical health of creative people. With only an hour for the panel & some discussion it was rewarding but it could have gone on for two hours easily & covered these few issues in greater detail. Check out the resources at akin & the Artists’ Health Network – one step towards better health & greater creativity is to step out of isolation.

 

Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington at 2018’s capfireslam.org – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblr

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‘silence is manslaughter’

Hot Damn! launched it’s 4th season (may the 4th be with you) at  Buddies In Bad Times Theatre Thursday night with rainbow-high-energy, out-to-win slammers, fearless open stagers & a wildly enthusiastic full house. Charlie Petch was in fine form keeping things flowing & the energy somewhere over the rainbow.

First set of open stagers & slammers: by the time you are able to read this, you may not remember me – I was told I could pave the way for women, why can’t I pave the way for all mankind – teens decomposing their own songs – this place smell of chance & lost dreams – less that nothing is still something – if it all means nothing, why not have fun – I dream of things I never want to see again – I wake to fear walking above ground – pour smoke over my heart – Wendy’s pigtails never fit the little boy that worse the – you wanna say best & breast comes out – I say I’m sorry more than I say I love you.

Andre Prefontaine’s feature set was amazing – emotionally resonant, overflowing with rich images, vibrant precise anger, & sassy theatricality. Honey, he was tougher than any nail they used to stab you – my Dad uses your homosexuality like a pair of scissors that cuts you out of his picture – worry about the future is a tragic waste of your imagination – I’m so calm it’s almost like disassociating – don’t you know how difficult it is to blow someone and do origami at the same time – hold the bible like brass knuckles – silence is manslaughter – people killing people for killing people.

After a much needed break – during which I got to hand out flyers for my feature (see below) – I picked up a couple of copies of Andre Prefontaine’s new chap book & got caught up with Vanessa McGowan. (when is her Hot Damn! feature?) I started out the second set of open stagers with my hair piece (see below).

From the rest of the night: that little crack makes you so human – I’ve never been struck by lightning – my body tells the truth when it shows the scars that anchor me to the reality of what happened – biting is cool, bite marks are not – we can’t use my name as a safety word – you left tiny blades my throat where you name used to be – the art of drowning in perfect make up – the rest of you is still living – never explain lost battles for your recovery – somehow your pain is never about you – being gay is more than whatever gender you choose – anatomy trump compassion – that word holds a power I cannot overcome – do you know where you are – chill of frosting in my bones – I smell like a Wes Craven movie –

Scores were added up & an array of prizes were handed out. Teddy Syrette took the Queirdo Prize for funnest bingo poem. Ezra Stewart took first spot in a tight race for a chance to win the big big prize: a trip to Washington DC (if Canadians are still allowed into the USA next summer) to attend Capturing Fire.

Next Hot Damn! is Gueph! Sept 30th. Hot Damn! returns to Toronto at Buddies In Bad Times Theatre on November 30.

Don’t Touch (My Hair)

she was a stranger

who felt no compunction

in reaching out to touch my hair

I must have been in my mid-twenties

at the time

my hair was freshly washed

shoulder length

‘it’s like baby hair,’ she said

I was a natural blond

even blonder

after a month of summer sun

‘I would kill to have hair like yours’

she smiled

‘thanks’ I replied

not adding

that I hate my hair

I hate it being so smooth

hate being asked

are you a boy or are you girl

being called fruit

by guys because of my hair

not that I was mr masculine

to begin with

shortly after that

I dyed my hair for the first time

I wanted a change

I bought a home kit

to make it permanent jet black

the look was striking

my mother said

‘what were you thinking’

I went to work

raised a few eye brows

but no comments

the black faded after the first wash

so much for permanent

in a week it was ash

in three weeks

back to baby fine blond

my hair

was like my sexuality

something I couldn’t disguise

no matter what women

I flirted with

no matter what I tried to call it

bi questioning pan

no matter what I drank to blot it out

it would always be

like my hair

something I was powerless over

something I hadn’t constructed

something I had to live with

I remember my first perm

a head of tight blond curls

they bounced in the light

it was my face

but a different me

the stylist conferred with a colourist

both agreed

that my hair was too fine

to hold colour for long

that it would be a shame

to tamper with it anyway

the permanent curls

would flatten within a week

I wasn’t willing

to go to bed with hairpins

so I’d get that perm

every month or so

I loved my hair for the first week

then a week of doing what I could

to keep the curl in

it was too much work

too much time checking in mirrors

I had a friend who was

what he referred to as a hair burner

he touched my freshly washed

uncurled hair one day

‘you have baby hair

I have clients

who would kill to have hair like that’

I said

‘I hate my hair

it’s too much work’

he said

‘do you trust me’

I let him do what he wanted

it took a couple of hours

that first time

to cut it short short short

then incise with electric razor

patterns into the hair

sometimes a maze

other times circle or triangles

always different

then he died

murdered by HIV meds

I shaved my head for his funeral

no one would ever touch my hair

again

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Suicide 1

Suicide has been in the news with a couple of celebrity deaths. Pop stars whose music I know vaguely – now regarded as troubled geniuses – as if their actions were the final proof of their genius.   I guess I’ll never classified as a genius because I choose to live & to live relatively sanely. It seems that in our culture the more one teeters on self-destructive instability, or survives a tragic past more authentic their creativity is regarded.

Before starting drinking suicide was already a part of my thinking – it seems a viable option to the other possibilities the culture I grew up in offered queers. Homosexuals were considered doomed to lives of unfilled emotions, relationships that went nowhere, incarceration or mental ward commitment. At one time prison also seemed a viable option: behind bars with men.

My creative heroes were self-destructive suiciders: Dylan Thomas, Yukio Mishima, Hemingway, Gauguin. Mishima did it is the grandest way too. This would be my romantic ending. So when I started drinking I was following in their footsteps too. My attempts at suicide were all fuelled with booze & done while drunk – as you can tell I failed.

The last one was on a New Year’s eve, my last on the East Coast. My attempts as relationships wither either sex were stonewalled – unlike most drunks I never met a rescuer. I staggered out of party early & back to my apartment, started to fill the bathtub with hot hot water & my favorite bubble bath. Razor blade ready for when the tub was full. While it was filling my roommate arrived home with his girlfriend. I didn’t want an audience so turned the tap off, went bed & passed out. In morning I decided to get out of Cape Breton.

The Moose in the Moon  http://wp.me/p1RtxU-P5

for untold millennium

the moose were happy on the moon

they were free to roam without predators

living on moon moss and small cheesy rocks

they had nothing to fear

except in mating season

when the males had to prove

who had the biggest antlers

after untold millennium

of basking in earth shine

they began to wonder

if there was more to life

the moon began to bore them

it was so small

they had roamed and combed its surface

there was no longer an abundance

of moon moss and cheesy rocks

the battles during breeding

had become limpid half-hearted events

soon there were only four moose left

on the whole of the moon

where once there had been millions

the forlorn moose looked to the earth

when the solar winds blew

the smell of water and pine

wafted to their nostrils

two of them longed for escape

while the other two

felt it was fated they should remain there

these two pairs argued endlessly

plotted revenge to teach the others

the error of its beliefs

they spent hours grunting at each other

glaring over moon rills

stomped so much dust

the sun was clouded over

the sun didn’t like to get moon dust in her eyes

she decided it was time to step in

so with a flare

she carried two of the moose to father earth

he could now take care of these creatures

on earth the two moose were overjoyed

they had new fields to run in

they began to multiply once more

they were safe till distrust came amongst them

when they were attacked by a cunning creature

that appeared as a robin to some

and a smelt to others

in fear they would bellow

to the moose in the moon

to return to where they were safe

chapbooks for sale http://wp.me/P1RtxU-2f6

kiss3

Thursday – September 7 at 7:30 PM – 11 PM – HotDamn! It’s A Queer Slam

https://www.facebook.com/events/110567226312109/

Tuesday – September 19 – feature – Art Bar Poetry series – 8 p.m., Free Times Cafe, #20 College At., Toronto – $5.00http://It’s No Accident

http://www.artbar.org

Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington at 2018’s capfireslam.org – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblr

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‘The gateway drug to gay’

The heat, the Fire & Pride were all impossible to avoid on Saturday – one had to experience the heat & Pride to get cozy with the Fire. Temperatures, with humidity, were in the 30s. iced coffee was a latte in microseconds. After the late night at Coffy I got nearly enough sleep to face the first workshop of the day at the Keegler, that is once I found the Keegler – it was closer than I realized but parallel to my hotel not north of it. I think the start of the Pride crowd in DuPont Circle got me slightly disorientated. Sweaty shirtless men can have effect on me before 9:30 in the morning.

The workshop with Sonya Renee Taylor dealt with body – not how we view out body image but how we relate to the body as writers. Where does something resonate outside of the intellect? A provocative workshop that was way too short to fully explore things beyond the intellectual level.

Next I took in the First Kiss reading – which wasn’t as sweet or even-bitter sweet as the title suggests. The pieces, for the most part, were emotionally direct, angry & disturbing. Mine was the anomaly – sweet & a little nostalgic. Those who were the most ‘troubled’ garnered the most appreciation – I clearly haven’t suffered enough to be an authentic poet.

mail came through the slot during the workshop

I followed the with Jillian Christmas’s workshop on Perspective – it looked at how we as poets need to find ways of writing from perspectives outside your own to enlarge out world view. How to do this without seeming cultural appropriation is part of the challenge. I enjoyed the conversation around this issues and the writing exercise as well. By now it was time to rest – I had misspelled ‘hand’ twice – first as ‘hard’, then as ‘herd’.

After a recharge, mediation, shower & change of clothes I was ready to face the SLAM part of the summit. Crowds at DuPont circle where even thicker so I took a different street to evade them, but they became inescapable as walked over to 14th Street. It was the largest blocks party that makes Toronto’s pride seem small & provincial. I learned later that a par tof this spread was due to anti-corporate sponsorship Pride posters who managed to stop he parade at one point. More about that in another blog post.

I got to Busboys & Poets by 6 pm – which amazed me considering the heat – maybe the fact that I didn’t get lost once helped. Ate sensible food, consumed fluids & got asked to be one of the judges for this portion of the semi-finals. I have had some experience 🙂 8 slammers, 2 rounds & the top 4 were to go on to the final slam.

Round 1: supper was a getting of grievances, I wish you wouldn’t yell was wish never granted, like the earth sounds when we are six feet under, love themselves with the lights off, remedy this by sleeping with anyone who will sleep with you, their lips sealed but open, I’m the gateway drug to gay, more mistake than man, it’s only real if it hurts, I can tell them anything as long as that anything isn’t the truth, without F’s A’s are meaningless, F won’t get a kid out of bed in the morning, the ring on her finger was a noose around her neck, holding hands makes me a target, own the words that burned us’

Round 2: punishing us with green bean casserole, you have to fall before you can fly, sometimes it’s better to shut up & pay the bills, one day you’ll be okay, shaping the idea of themselves in the air, jars of gas station wine, all I’m ready to do is cry, silence acts lie a step to one side, let unwanted visitors come inside, my memory creates an illusion, any more than a hurricane is a breeze, mental illness is a good scape goat it lets white entitlement off the hook, fuck the idea of blaming this on trauma’

I was drained by the end of this – multitasking isn’t my thing: so eating, listening, judging, make blog notes & looking fab in my tee took its toll. After the top 4 were announced I made the difficult choice of getting out of there. The Pride block party had spilled out over the areas blocked of traffic for it so there even more of those shirtless men to spot but by now they were stumbling and out-of-focus – clearly the heat had gotten to them not the booze, party favours and protest.

Past Washington posts http://wp.me/P1RtxU-1e3

Ghost Kiss

I was eight

Peter was ten

his grandmother

in tight plum slacks

was a million

the occasion

his hallowe’en party

I was dressed as a ghost

my mom’s easy-to-do costume

I didn’t want to wear that

old faded to pink red sheet

with uneven eye-holes

‘you’re the scary crimson ghost’

my mom smiled

with a nudge

I trudged off

anticipated mockery in my ears

Grandma greeted at the door

popping her teeth out

‘who wants a kiss’

she would purse her lips

if you wanted one

you’d get the wrapped kind

if you didn’t

she’d cackle

‘ha ha I’ll give you one

before the night is over’

pirates ballerinas

cowboys spacemen

kids in real costumes

Peter was dressed as a ghost too

only he had curtains

nylon and sort of transparent

they were really spooky

 

we slipped off

to a cool upstairs room

stripped off and reappeared

in each other’s costumes

to fool everyone

and when Grandma

caught sight of my naked little body

under those curtains she shrieked

‘you horrid horrid little boy

how could you do something like that’

and sent me home

no treats

except for the moment

when Peter and I

naked

hugged kissed

then got into the ghost costumes

many of us still wear today

Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington at capfireslam.org – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

Supreme Music

26-fab01My John Coltrane collection is so large I considered dividing it into 3 posts but instead I’ll list what I have & share the history of his music in my life. First the list – some are stand-alones, some are mp3 collections: w/Monk w/Monk Complete 1 2; Prestige Complete 1 2 3 4 w/Gillespie; Blue Train; w/Adderley; w/Harden; w/Davis: Kind of Blue Atlantic Complete: 1: Giant Steps/ My Favorite Things/Jazz/Bags/Ole; Atlantic Complete 2: Plays the Blues/Sound/Avant-Gard/ Odds; Impulse compete 1 Coltrane/Ballads/Hartman/Crescent/ Plays/ Ascension/ Living Space; Impulse complete 2: Stockholm/ Birdland/ Transition/ Living Space/ Sun Ship/ First Meditations; Africa Brass 1 2; Live Village vanguard 1 2 3 4: A Love Supreme Deluxe 1 2; Live at Newport; bits & pieces; Live in Japan; Blues For Coltrane. You can see why I wanted to split this into three posts.

26-fab02On the east coast I bought, at the Metropolitan (I think) – a department store that had a rack of discontinued lps that was briefly filled with a raft of Impulse deletes including a double Impulse lp of Coltrane ‘hits’.  It included a section of Supreme, After the Rain & now forgotten others. I also had a track of his on a Sonny Rollins best of. That was it for years, decades in fact. I enjoyed the Impulse cuts.

Then in late 90’s I mounted a production of The Servant & wanted some music for it. I heard Blue Train on the radio & loved the brass sound & bought it. Blue Train, on Blue Note, is one of the few lps Coltrane record with a brass section & it is a fine way to get into him, or jazz itself. This catapulted me into total fandom.

26-fab03Over the years I’ve added nearly the complete works, his own group stuff, his sideman recordings & his work with Miles Davis. I also have some excellent biographies. I really had to know more about his creative arc – from session player, his work with Davis, his own work & the dramatic spiritual change in his later career once he escaped heroin.

The Prestige work is session work, fun pairings, various quartets & not overly challenging. With Gillespie he is part of the big band sound with a few sweet solos. He’s learning & expanding. With Monk he begins really exploring. With Davis he starts to come into his own.

26-fab04He steps out into real solo with his Atlantic work  & becomes more challenging. Giant Steps is superb. I love all of his releases – too many to list. Blues, Sound are classics of any jazz era. But he seems to run out of steam & when he moves to Impulse we get lps of covers of things like Favorite Things. Though his work with Ellington is amazing & I love his Johnny Hartman lps too. Africa Brass is superb. Then he gets clean, gets his teeth fixed & bam the big shift with A Love Supreme. An lp I have to play twice in a row. The Live in Antibes Supreme is magnificent.

Crescent, Meditations, Live at the Vanguard: the list is above why repeat it. The live material is wonderful & exhaustive & often challenging in its aggressive free jazz flow. The Love Supreme Deluxe edition includes a live Love that is worth the price of the set. Live in Japan are performances shortly before his death. Blues For … is a tribute cd of covers. Coltrane is as close to God in music as one can get.

samp02

Frails

“Will the frail blocking Aisle Six please get a move on. Will the frail blocking Aisle Six please get a move on.”

Aisle six? Aisle six? I looked up from my shopping list. I was having trouble reading my handwriting, again. I really have to start printing. Was that tomato paste or tomato pasta?

“Will the frail blocking Aisle Six please get a move on.”

Aisle Six? That was one aisle over, wasn’t it? I just had to get these last few things on my list. All I needed now was the tooth paste, or was that tomato paste? What did I need? I visualized my bathroom, then the kitchen. God it was time to replace those tiles over the sink. I wonder if they have any of that adhesive glue I saw advertised on TV last night.

“Will the frail blocking Aisle Six please get a move on.”

A hand gently touched me on the shoulder.

‘Can I help you sir?’

‘No, no. I’m doing alright young man.’

‘Perhaps if we moved your cart over a little others could get by.’

‘You saying I’m in the way? Is that what you’re saying? Spit it out.’

‘Sir please. Let’s just move along. You have your list there? Good. Perhaps I can help you with the it.’

‘I suppose you might be of some use.’ I handed him the list. ‘Does that look like tooth paste or tomato paste to you?’

He squinted at the list. ‘They’re both on the list.’

‘Are they now? Well now we are getting somewhere.’

The young man pushed my cart to the end of the aisle.

‘You wait right here sir and I’ll get these things for you.’

‘No, no. I can do this myself. Don’t want to end up with the most expensive brands you know. Money doesn’t grow on lawns anymore you know.’

‘Yes I know that sir. Follow me then and we’ll have this done in a jiffy.’

He ran to the next aisle.

‘Not so fast I’m not as quick on my feet as you are, you know. You know that don’t you? Can’t you see that? Not so swift on my feet.’

‘Right sir. Here we are. Now which brand of tooth paste would you like. We have mint gel, antiseptic fluoridated Crest with plaque guard or do you need a denture cleaner.’

‘These are my own teeth. Just give me something that works and doesn’t cost an arm and a head.’

‘Here’s the store brand. Wintermint.’

‘Good. That’ll do.’

‘God damned frails,’ he muttered under his breath.

Frails? Frails? Was he muttering about me. Well I’d soon put a stop to that. I pushed my cart over his toes.

‘Ouch!’ he hopped up and down on one foot.

‘Sorry sonny gotta get a move on.’

soon

kiss3
14257567_1162384753819933_3271661288579707843_o
on going 🙂 when new podcast are posted:  Disability after Dark  iTunes

hot3

http://www.queerslam.com/season-3-dates.html

March 4, Saturday, 8 pm: my first local feature in over two years: Glad Day Books

hotposter

https://www.facebook.com/events/149545348875710/

attending: Saturday, March 25: 9 a.m. 2017 TORONTO SPECFIC COLLOQUIUM

spec

April season 3 FINALS – Friday April 15th Buddies in Bad Times – early show – 7pm startgames

http://www.queerslam.com/season-3-dates.html

June 9-10-11: attending: Capturing Fire 2017 – flight & hotel booked already

dcjan01

https://capfireslam.org

check out these poets from  Capturing Fire 2015 & 2016

August 31-Sept.3 – I have my ticket already

fec17-header

https://www.facebook.com/events/526940540845331/

November 1 – 30 Participating NaNoWriMo

nanowrimo_2016_webbadge_winner

http://nanowrimo.org/

money

Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblr

bag blue fabric

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Harnessing Fashion

03-greendcw-01I once had a pair of grease monkey coveralls – a button up the front onesie – tattered, stained, clearly once well-used for what they were intended. I bought them at an Army-Navy surplus store (are those still around?). I wore them when I went out dancing – no glitter for me or snug denims – I wanted, & enjoyed, the image of the grease monkey. I’d wear only a jockstrap underneath & felt very, very sexy.

On a recent Disability After Dark, Andrew Gurza talks about his experience with fashion & dressing for sex appeal – baiting the hook. Like his mobility, his options were limited. What was comfortable was functional not fuckshallwe – dressing for suck sex. He is frustrated in trying to get clothing that make him feel sexy rather than make him feel shapeless in sweats. No one is designing for his market – male or female. I think that would be an amazing Project Runway challenge.

When What Not To Wear was broadcast I was a big fan. They were very articulate03-greenplants-02jpg about the emotional & psychological power of clothing, on both the wearer & people seeing them. I get a different response when I wear a white shirt than I do do when I wear a paisley shirt. My black leather jacket elicits a different response than my denim. The world is shallow, first impression do count & if one wants a second impression the first should invite it. But when you can’t find clothes beyond the functional it is hard to create that impression.

03-greenbottle-01Andrew found that a leather harness made him feel very sexy & desirable. I’ve seen the photos & he does look hot in it – but my experience with leather is that guys who look good in leathers look good period. Andrew is hot regardless (even in sweats). But the key is how it makes the wearer feel. Because we end up projecting how we feel.

Leathers, though, are also indicators of S/M, B/D sexuality & those attracted to it have that expectation. Andrew is comfortable with that indicator. My experiences dressed in harness, as good as it looked on me, made me opt not to wear it as a fashion accessory – it brings too much subtext to be used as a mere accessory. For the same reason I don’t have handcuffs dangling from a belt loop.

03-greenplants-04I blogged about my underwear experience – Daily Jocks. Taking the step away from functional & utilitarian to underwear that is clearly sexy, fun & better tailored, has in fact made me feel sexier. Even if I’m the only one who sees it, it changes me. I know the power of the garment. It is for the wearer as much as it is for the viewer. Maybe I should help Andrew pick out some undies? Finding & fitting a pair that could contain his package would be hot.

samp02

After The Fallen

I’ve fallen down many times before

I didn’t even notice

until you helped me up

you are so strong

you did that seamlessly

I only had to reach up

not that falling is something I do often

and when I say many times before

I mean this time it came as no surprise

took so effort on my part

I felt like an old hand at it

but your new hand

pulling me to my feet

was worth the effort

was worth looking a tad silly

elegant

I sure hope I was elegant

falling with all the grace of death

of a leaf in the wind

landing delicately on the ground

distracted at the moment

by the sheer smoothness of the fall

my descent was casual

didn’t call too much attention to it self

it flew like a dance

with you as the perfect partner

for the swanning gesture

of your effortless lift

me the shooting star

unbroken by its perfect landing

but one thing I have to say is

I did not fall for you

soon

kiss3
14257567_1162384753819933_3271661288579707843_o
on going 🙂 when new podcast are posted:  Disability after Dark  iTunes

hot3

http://www.queerslam.com/season-3-dates.html

March 4, Saturday, 8 pm: my first local feature in over two years: Glad Day Books

hotposter

https://www.facebook.com/events/149545348875710/

April season 3 FINALS – Friday April 15th Buddies in Bad Times – early show – 7pm startgames

http://www.queerslam.com/season-3-dates.html

June 9-10-11: attending: Capturing Fire 2017 – flight & hotel booked already

dcjan01

https://capfireslam.org

check out these poets from  Capturing Fire 2015 & 2016

August 31-Sept.3 – I have my ticket already

fec17-header

https://www.facebook.com/events/526940540845331/

November 1 – 30 Participating NaNoWriMo

nanowrimo_2016_webbadge_winner

http://nanowrimo.org/

money

Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblr

toyhorses

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/topoet