Morality Served

Morality Served

his texts

unpredictable

are always welcome

affectionate sexy & energetic

generous lingering & infrequent

 

otherwise he is average

looks – okay

dick – average

married & working

looking for the occasional dick

 

I usually say sure

though sometimes

the unpredictable falls

when I’ve already made a date

with someone more predictable

also affectionate sexy & energetic

a delicate delicious choice

 

having said yes to one

do I agree to another

each at a different time of the day

do I want to risk

the law of diminishing returns

or is that self-slut-shaming

 

one a day satisfies

the physical craving

the opportunity for two

satisfies the ego

but first come first served

is the best policy

which satisfies morality

Some men like the prelude a much as they enjoy the finale. In fact some are more about the prelude, the tease, the lead up, the anticipation. The married guy in this piece is a preluder but he is a consummator as well. Some days we can exchange several saucy text & photos, some days it is just a hi, other times it is – are you free tonight.

I really enjoy prelude, in particular when I know there will be an eventual fulfillment. I also find it flattering – a pleasant boost to the ego, the sexual sense of self, that is as vital as our spiritual sense of self. In a way this is the actual subtext of this piece. The importance of feeling desired. 

When our stars align I am happy to oblige but I don’t sit around waiting for that to happen. Words like ‘might be free’ or ‘maybe tonight’ aren’t enough for me to change plans or avoid making other plans. Which leads to the other part of this piece. The dilemma of choice 🙂

This too has happened a couple of times, often enough for me to think as I say yes to one man that I’ll probably hear from the other – it’s as if a psychic energy sends a signal to his hormones. Depending on how long it’s been since we’ve played I have contacted the first guy for a delay. I have indulged a few times in different times the same day but it proved to be too much work, at my age, to really enjoy either of them.

Some of you might react to “married.” Slut shaming doesn’t play here – you can keep that to yourself. There are so many cultural, sociological & conformist notions around marriage, fidelity & the ownership of another person’s genitalia that are illogical & pointless. We play safely, there is genuine affection but I’m not out to ruin a marriage. If that happens it was already a wreck before I dropped my pants.  


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Running Out

Running Out

I was running out of excuses

no  not excuses 

I was running out of lies

it’s not easy being a nice guy

really

 

it’s a conundrum

when you have great sex

with a guy who isn’t your type

who says he had a great time

and wants to see you again

while you aren’t just that into him

if the sex were boring

it wouldn’t be so complicated 

so that’s when the lies start

busy

sister visiting

sore throat

 

why can’t he take a hint

why can’t I just say

I’m not that interested

there isn’t enough chemistry 

between us for me

it’s nothing personal

well I guess it is pretty personal

it is him you are saying no to

 

even after the second time

when I had run out of excuses

the sex was good

but good isn’t enough for me

I want to feel 

not necessarily an emotional connection

but something 

more than the need to make excuses


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Age in Play

One of the men I see frequently recently celebrated his birthday. He is much younger than me. As are most of the men I am intimate with – part of that is the aging process, part of that is that many men around my age won’t have sex with men around my age. I’m not that concerned with age, though I do find over-30 is a reasonable boundary – but younger is fine if they fit some of my preferences 🙂

I’m only thinking about the age gap because the hosts of Gayish podcast, on an earlier podcast, tangent-talked about what the youngest & oldest person they’ve been intimate with & another time talked about when was too old to go clubbing (apparently 30 is the cut off age for clubbing). Both of them concluded that more than 10 year older or younger, was the limit for  either of them. What they don’t realize is that the older you get the less restricted the age limit will become.

 

In North American culture ageism is unavoidable – often the notion of an older person with some clearly involved someone younger is seen as a joke, ‘no fool like an old fool,’ ‘I hope the money is good.’ Even I find it creepy in movies to see the older male star become the romantic object of a much younger female star. Is she looking for a daddy figure, a sugar daddy, or merely a more sexually experienced partner? Or is some writer indulging his own sex fantasy?

 

I’ve blogged about some of this before – the way sexually active seniors are viewed as perverts of some sort or denied any right to be sexual – at your age you should be over all that. Though I’m not sure what age is ‘your age.’ Not that I see myself as a senior either 🙂

This is a piece I’ve performed many times. The gap represents a pause I take when I do the piece & nearly every time there has been an audible gasp from someone in the audience.

Boyfriend

I’m so excited   

I have a new boy friend

he’s barely fifteen

 

 

 

 

years younger than me

 

did that pause catch you off guard 

were you sure I was going to say 

he was only fifteen years old

 

was it hard enough to think of a man

having a boyfriend at all

then add to it 

the shudder that it was

an innocent 

emotionally underdeveloped

fifteen year old child

 

though I can remember me at fifteen

jacking off to visions of rock star cock

Jimi Hendrix        Bruce Springsteen

that I wished there in my bed

telling you too much am I

get used to it

I’ve heard enough straight poets go on 

sparing no intimate details

about blissful raspberry nipples

moist peach fuzzed mounds 

 

so I’ll talk about man on man action

even if it makes some of you restless

a bit bored     a bit threatened

girl on girl would make you more comfortable

I usually try to make the nestling 

of men’s bodies into each other

sound sort of sweet and tender

pulling myself away 

from the gasp   grasp of sweat    pubic hair

 

so I’m excited 

about my new boyfriend

though I hate ‘boyfriend’

boy carries that too young taint

man friend isn’t close

lover is more complex 

than it is at this point

bed buddy     yeah I like that 

 

I have a new bed buddy

he’s nearly fifteen 

years younger than me

https://wp.me/P1RtxU-2f6

every Tuesday 2019

July

Stratford Festival – Nathan The Wise

August 2-13: getting back to my roots in Cape Breton
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September

Shaw Festival – Sex (Mae West)

Stratford Festival – Little Shop Of Horrors

June  – Capturing Fire 2020 – Washington D.C.  capfireslam.org 

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Everyone Has One

Everyone Has An Opinion

his opinion was

irrelevant to me

not that he was

in fact I enjoyed

spending time with him

until he commented

on an item in the news

the item was not relevant

to why were naked together

 

as he went on & on

I was at first amused

then dismayed

offered a more moderate

point of view

which goaded him even further 

 

he was fun in bed

I choose to overlook his opinion

one I never asked for

& now that I knew it

there was no need to

know more about him

or his opinions

only when we might 

get together again

 

which we did eventually

and when we did

it was good

until he launched 

into an opinion

 

he spoke as one

who only listens

to those who agree with him

which I understand 

why spend time 

with people who argue with you

life is too short

 

I’m no one’s teacher

besides he knew what he knew

who was I to disagree

so

seeing him again

was no longer relevant

Sex & politics are often a bad mix. One of the traditions in 12 step recovery is that our opinions on outside issues are left outside of the room – the focus is on recovery not on who is running for x party. As in this piece, knowing too much about the other person can often change how we hear them. One things I’ve realized about myself is often I have no real opinions only smart-assed one-liners.

I don’t mind making chit-chat when I see a guy mind you but I stick to things like the weather, music, maybe TV shows we discover we both like – but I avoid politics, religion, etc. I can be judgemental when certain political, race, or even class options don’t coincide with mine. This guy, & this is a real experience, felt fine to spontaneously mouth off with his bigoted thoughts on both blacks & whites.

As I haven’t experienced the world as he has I didn’t argue but let him know I didn’t see some of these issues as he did. At least he wasn’t homophobic 🙂 The sex was great, but to be honest, that isn’t enough for me. Even in a FWB relationship I need some emotional &, I guess, philosophical connection.  He on the other had felt that because I wasn’t argumentative that we were compatible enough for his needs.

I stopped putting energy into future get togethers. Made excuses a few times, caved a few times (solely because the sex was good). I succeeded in directing conversations away from his hobby-horses. But it was more work than I was willing to put inot what was supposed to be play. That was the focus of our getting together, not me learning tolerance & patience. So I stopped responding. Such is life. 

The title is a reference to the phrase – “Opinions are like assholes. Everybody’s got one and everyone thinks everyone else’s stinks.”


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The Pleasure of No

The Pleasure of No

this was the power dynamic

my pleasure

was to be in getting him off

that’s it

nothing was given in return

except the opportunity

to get him off

 

he felt that was enough

that it should be enough

yet it wasn’t enough

for me

after the first few times

 

when I said no

he didn’t ask what could he do

to shift this power dynamic

so I told him anyway

but he wasn’t interested

in what didn’t get him off

so I wasn’t interested

which became my fault

wasn’t his cock nice enough

didn’t he thank me enough

 

my answer was yes yes

but I wanted more

in this exchange 

when that more wasn’t forth coming

my pleasure 

was the power of no

 

 

Entitlement manifests in many ways: if you are wealthy enough rules of politeness do not apply to you; if you are white & cute enough to can get away with murder (literally). I read of one politician who refused to pay for food at a restaurant because his reputation was so great people would flock to that place eat because he had eaten there – now that’s entitlement in action.

 

This piece is about that power dynamic in dating/sexual interaction. Often I engage with men who feel that their cock size, or their sexual technique, permits them to be the centre of of my attention – yet if I objectify them as ‘big dick’ they feel used, they are a person after all. When I suggest I too have attention wants they are ‘you are too needy.’ Pointing out the paradox isn’t helpful.

I told one man that I wanted more than ‘a good fuck’ to keep me interested. His reply was that he understood, that we could become friends, with benefits (for him.) He didn’t ask – what more can I do to be more sexually engaging – he figured his dick was enough to satisfy all my sexual needs. I said, ‘you could suck my dick’ – he looked at me as if I was a fool to think he’d ever suck a dick.

 

I stopped responding to his messages. I’m not designed to be a sex educator, to be someone who teaches better communication skills to horned up men. One guy I did block opened a new profile with a new name and started messaging me again about how much his misses etc. New name but the same approach doesn’t equal entitlement. No.


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Chocolates

Chocolates

he wanted to buy me

chocolates

did I like black magic

did I prefer another kind

he want to buy me

a bottle wine

I told him

I don’t drink

I didn’t tell him

I didn’t want him to buy me

anything

it was too soon

 

we’d met once

this was the second time

and he wanted to buy me things

to take me for a weekend in the country

I told him no thanks

I let him pay for a hot chocolate

he wanted to see me again

wanted to take me to dinner

I said no thank you

because I didn’t want him

not even as a friend

he was too demanding

in this need to please

 

he wasn’t my type

too tall too thin too smooth

I met him the first time 

to step out of my comfort zone

he was sweet enough

we made out

it wasn’t unpleasant

until he flooded my inbox 

asking to see me again

asking if he could buy me

chocolates

so I saw him again

we made out

it wasn’t fun it was duty

there was no chemistry

other than his need to buy me

chocolates

and that wasn’t enough for me

 

Kor (not his real name) I met on line. He liked my profile and my pics. I knew he’d read my profile because he mentioned that he too wrote poetry, & also that he took photos. We exchanged more information. I sent him link to my Tumblr & he sent a file of his landscape photos. My photo aesthetic is not landscape but they were standard pretty pics.

We agree to meet at a subway station. Kor is on time after taking a Go train, bus & finally subway. He is taller than me, thinner than me, appears (to me) older than me. his English is learner ESL. As we walk over to a nearby coffee shop he is already asking what kind of chocolates do I like so he can bring me some the next time we meet. This is what I call a red flag – not that I don’t enjoy eagerness to please but not so soon. It came across as a needy, desperate & lonely. He’s telling me about his photo trips to the lake country & can’t wait for us to go on one to take sunset pictures. Another red flag – though if he had said he knows an abandoned hotel we can sneak into I might have ignored that red flag. Sunsets on the lake aren’t for me.

His English comprehension ebbs and flows with what he opts to understand or rather what suits his plan. At the coffee shop he does buy a hot chocolate. We sit at a table – he pulls out his phone to show me pictures, hundreds of lake pictures. He says these are really Canada. They could be pretty lakes in Poland or Scotland for all I could tell. His knees rub mine, his hand rubs my knee. He is really glad we are getting along so well. He wants to see some of my photos. I tell him next time we met. I’m hoping there is no next time if I don’t come across this first time.

After a barrage of texts there is a next time. I don’t have a smart phone so we go to my house. I show him my iPhoto albums: broken chairs, cast off shoes, books of books, toys. It is clear he doesn’t get my aesthetic. It is also clear it isn’t my aesthetic he wants to get his hands on.

You get the picture. I felt no sexual chemistry, nor did I feel any other chemistry either. His eagerness, regardless of the emotional needs that fuelled it put me off. I wasn’t sure how to say thanks but no thanks – in fact I did & his English comprehension vanished. So I ghosted him. This ends with an admission that at one time his eagerness might have been enough. I didn’t want to feel I was taking advantage of him as I didn’t doubt his sincerity. Though if Kor had been a foot shorter it might have been a different ending 🙂

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True Love

samprules2

Working through the  227 Rules For Monks. Who knew the simple life could be so complex. This another of the 92 pācittiyas.

True Love

she  shows me

the new backpack

that her boyfriend had bought her

for her sixtieth birthday

he was so pleased with the colour

her favourite green

she hates it

but she didn’t tell him that

it’s not the right fit

on her shoulders

like the wonderful red parka

he bought her for Christmas

she loves the colour

but the zipper doesn’t work easily

she has to zip a little 

before putting it on

 

I guess he’s from India

as she imitates his accent

I like so much to give you things

she’s grateful to receive his gifts

but will insist

that in future she go with him

when he’s going to buy 

a surprise for her

she asks me

if that sounds reasonable

 

I’m not sure

why she’s asking me

of if she’s showing off

that she has a boyfriend

who buys her things

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C**k #Blocked

The nature of online ‘dating’ norms changes so rapidly I’m not sure if it’s possible to create a nettiquette guide. I can only speak of ‘gay’ male sites (some of which have a fair number of ‘straight’ men looking for action).

sofa one way of getting those legs in the air

Over the years I’ve been on several but reduced the ‘work load’ to  one in particular. I’ve made my profile wants pretty clear. My photos are explicit enough to draw attention. My details, as far as I can tell, leave no doubts as to my play boundaries and my nearest intersection. In fact that location is one of the first ‘reveals’ – don’t chat ten minutes then ask where I am & say ‘ooh that’s to far.’

If they ask where I am I know they haven’t read my profile & my interest will vanish rapidly. Thanks to my clear profile data my success rate is about .5% – rarely meet guys but at least I’m not wasting my time  while being ignored 🙂

head the elusive good head

On this ‘dating’ site one can see who looks at you, often while they are checking your profile – the intent is that then you can look back. Sometime when I get these looks, when I look back I’ve been blocked already – what gives? I’ve blocked a few guys who were persistent with stuff I already declined – no means no – but at least I gave them the opportunity.

soup ready to be of service

Often these already-blocked-me guys are guys I might not be interested in anyway Too young (i.e. under 30) or too pretty.  I suppose it’s a matter of control for them. But if you knock on someone’s door why run away before they answer the knock? Such is life.

samples

 

The Cloud of Knowing

 

hello everybody

I love you

that’s right

I love you

each and every one of you

that’s right

you heard me correctly

I love everything about you

I can’t be serious – you think –

but I am

I mean exactly what I say

 

hello everybody

I love love love you

but I don’t know you – you say –

I love you

because I don’t know you

I don’t want to hear anything about you

not even your name

keep that personal stuff to yourself

it always gets in the way of lasting love

such knowledge creates expectations

expectations that cloud love

 

I hate clouds

no matter how white and fluffy

so just accept my love

that’s all I want

you don’t even have to acknowledge it or return it

don’t even have to feel it

let it be the only connection between us

unencumbered unconditional love

 

hello everybody

I love you and you and you

reddoor knock knock

 

#Sucks and #Swallows

I got stood up for a ‘date’ on the weekend. Something that was once an event that sucks but now … such is life. Sex and getting it, no long rules my life or even my sense of self. Not that I don’t enjoy opportunities when they present themselves, but the search – the seeking of opportunity no longer swallows all my time.

get yer skates on
get yer skates on

He was some guy who texted me on a gay ‘dating’ site and was very eager about meeting up, etc. etc. I take the whole process with an amused grain of salt. I’ve seen the same cock shots on different sites for different men apparently living not only in different cities but different continents. Yes I’ve looked – nothing warms up a sub-zero day like gazing at men in Brazil.

Guys on line are liars – who is shocked by that? I’m sure women are just capable of being dishonest – posting pics of when they weighed 2o pounds less, that are also ten years old. This is what happens.

composition in greens
composition in greens

I ‘run’ into guys who want to meet ‘now’ as long as ‘now’ is same time tomorrow; or who only want oral and get pissed off when you won’t flip for them; or guys who are eager but only for times you’ve already made it clear you aren’t available.

bus stop discorporation
bus stop discorporation

So getting stood up doesn’t faze me that much. I have a big life – sex is something that I fit into it but doesn’t stop for it either. I always have something to do. The guy did send an apology the next day but by then I had already moved on – I have a novel to finish – that’s always more satisfying.

can I get a menu
cold cafe service