The Naked Podcaster

Andrew Gurza in his Deliciously Disabled podcast is frequently emotionally naked – his recent show about crippled cleanliness issues was raw, heartfelt without being a play for sympathy. So when he sat down with Rahim Thawer to do a podcast in the nude about body image I wished to be more than a fly on that wall.

15ochair01Rahim brought the abled p.o.c body into this discussion about how self & cultural notions of looks play into their gay lives. As Rahim remarked at one point the Deliciously Disabled podcasts make him look how this issues resonance in his own life, the same is true for me.

I’ve never had a gym body, nor do I expect to have the energy to put into making that happen. Average is fine – literally everyone I know I’d like to lose five pounds & have a flatter stomach. But those wants are more dictated by what is supposedly healthy & eye appealing.15ochair02How do feel about my body? Comfortable is the word I’d use. Men I’m with have no complaints, but perhaps I’ve been fetishized (Man In The Moon)? Rahim talks about how his being brown attracts men with specific expectations based on his colour, on his heritage. When he doesn’t fulfill those illusions they are disappointed with him rather than questioning their preconceived notions. 15ochair03Odd how in queer culture it is that not to be in lust with that idealized slender pretty man means you are into some kinky shit – you’re a chubby chaser, a crip cruiser, a rice queen, a grampa fucker, a hairy baller – that you don’t have an normal healthy queer appetite. All based on a body image, or is that biased by body media fiction. Of course nearly every body bias can be ignored if the cock is big bigger biggest.15ochair04My own body preferences have always been fairly wide. I certainly enjoy, am attracted to, those ideal swimmer, gymnastic physiques but also relish most other male body types, as long as it is freshly showered or going to jump in the shower with me 🙂 Oops sorry – ableist – as Andrew isn’t going to jump into a shower that readily but I’d certainly be willing wrangle with him in sudsy soapy comfort – time for an in-the-shower podcast?

samp02

Political Promises (not lies)

a lot was said

to sway the people

to get them out to the polls

of course

it will turn out

you were misunderstood

that what you promised

wasn’t exactly what you could do

that due to conditions

beyond your control

you were stuck with things as they are

not as you promised to change them

you weren’t lying

just to get elected

you were simply uninformed

unaware

that the obstacles to be overcome

couldn’t be overcome

with words

with language

with the slippery tongue of future

you used to unlock the door of success

you wish you could do

what you planned

really you mean to do it

honestly

it’s not your fault

you can’t move the mountains

you promised to move

we really didn’t expect you

to fix what was broken by others

you certainly didn’t break anything

it was so broken

when you got there

you had no choice

but to make the best of a bad situation

and if we don’t like it

we better shut the fuck up

or

you’ll silence us

the same way

others who have been elected

have silenced us

the victory you promised we’d have

isn’t relevant now

that you have power invested in you

you’ll do that you think best

which will be better

than what you promised

we just have to give you a break

give you chance

and stop nagging you

with evidence of your lies

we mean

of your promises

they are taken out of context anyway

so we better give you one more chance

to do what you promised

or it’ll be our fault

for lacking patience and foresight

and forgiveness

why are we so bitter

so cruel

you meant well

and that’s enough

soon02

cover170x170-1on going 🙂 when new podcast are posted:  Deliciously iTune

August 12 – Friday:13466002_1105599606165115_2825996326656054174_n

http://buddiesinbadtimes.com/event/deliciously-disabled-justify-my-love/

September 1-4: attending FanExpo 2016 (I’ve already registered)

expo16

https://www.facebook.com/fanexpocanada/?fref=ts

November 1 – 30 Participating NaNoWriMo

nanobullseye

http://nanowrimo.org/

6DC0301

June 2-4: attending: Capturing Fire 2017 –

newcap

https://capfireslam.org

check out these poets from Capturing Fire 2015: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCx5KD1eDccdjdTdQ28kZRNg

money

Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblrchair

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/topoet

Coming Out In

Andrew Gurza’s Deliciously Disabled podcast continues to amaze, educated & sensitize me, not only to the complexities  & challenges of being disabled, but also to being queer. In a recent podcast he talking about finally coming out gay, then finding it hard to come into the gay scene. Not that everyone who comes out doesn’t have to do some negotiation with entering the queer world: am I going to be gym bunny, bear, hipster, drag – so many options to create a visible presence. Andrew can’t change his disability & how it appears. The right leather pants won’t make his chair invisible.03ochair01His attitude has gone from fear, anger, to one of realistic understanding. Most people don’t have the context for dealing with his life, so his duty is to teach them by making disability more visible & less threatening. He pulls no punches in his podcasts. Explicit & funny he gets to the point, repeats it until it is made.03ochair02In conversation with Claudia Alick at Capturing Fire 16 she explained that she often gets invited to present because she’s check-box perfect: black, female, disabled, articulate & sexually diverse. One person to cover all this bases – too bad she isn’t paid as five different people. One thing she discovered is that organizers don’t mind her being out about her sexuality they are uncomfortable with her being so explicit about it.03ochair03I’ve hit this same thing in some of my readings. Queer in theory is fine by most folk but the minute you mention body parts (cock) & sucking on them, attitudes change. I’ve had this happen even with queer audiences. Odd how some lesbians are eager to talk about pussy yet get offended when a man talks about cock. But I digress.03ochair04Claudia said that people would be happier with her if she were asexual, hence diverse but non-threatening. As I get older the push for me to become asexual increases too, not that I’ve been hyper-sexual, but I didn’t come out to pretend that sex was just a theory for me, one that I would outgrow. Coming out, then fitting in, presents a challenge, Andrew addresses this directly, without self-pity & humour.

samp01

Nice Shirt

do I want to be noticed

or be remembered

do I want to make an impression

or be respected

not that I know what respect means

acknowledged

singled out

brought to the attention of all

by someone else

do I want to pull focus to myself

no one else gets seen

so that rather than respect

I get resentment

for being an attention seeking whore

 

my apologies

to the legitimate whores here

I know that’s a derogatory term to some

but whatever pays the rent is fine by me

even it means sucking

all the attention out of the room

to yourself

with a turn of an unpopular phrase

 

so I guess respect isn’t on the table after all

it calls for too much restraint

too much attention

to saying the right thing

wearing the discrete things

at the right time

even if that means giving lip service

to the #politically correct of the moment

the expediency of taking the pulse

and giving the crowd

what it needs to keep it being

in my favour

 

their respect is more lasting

than self-respect

self-respect

doesn’t call enough attention to itself

it becomes a sort of humility

a ‘gosh darn it’ step aside

for those who need the attention

more than you

 

that’s the attention I want to steal

without doing more than being present

the less I do

for the attention I get

the happier everyone is

oh yes, I like this shirt

thanks for noticing itsoon02

 

cover170x170-1on going 🙂 when new podcast are posted:  Deliciously iTunes

September 1-4: attending FanExpo 2016 (I’ve already registered)

expo16

https://www.facebook.com/fanexpocanada/?fref=ts

November 1 – 30 Participating NaNoWriMo

nanobullseye

http://nanowrimo.org/

6DC0301

June 2-4: attending: Capturing Fire 2017 –

newcap

https://capfireslam.org

check out these poets from Capturing Fire 2015: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCx5KD1eDccdjdTdQ28kZRNg

money

Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblr

silver chair

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/topoet

The Decision to Live

In a Deliciously Disabled podcast Andrew Gurza talks about his decision to live. At one point in his life, in conversation with a friend, the friend said, to the effect -“You’re so brave, I would have killed myself.” As I heard Andrew talk about this moment I was stunned & chilled.

27mirror013But not surprised. We live in a culture in which lgtbq, non-binary & sexual searching teens commit suicide at an alarming rate. The reaction isn’t one of ‘what can we really do to avoid this’ but ‘yeah, that makes perfect sense.’ Even suggestions as to how to avoid it are more likely to counsel such troubled people into becoming happy heteronormative entities as opposed to how to learn to live happily as they are within a culture of shame & enforced sameness.27mirror012Growing up queer I certainly entertained the idea of suicide. My creative heroes where men who took the slow suicide route – drinking themselves to death. Or the the case of Mishima making a grand gesture of ending his own life. Even today the sexual repression he experienced as a gay man is not seen as a contributing factor in his actions – in fact his sexuality is deliberately obscured.27mirror01So growing up in culture that regards sexuality in these way it seems hardly surprising that many chose to opt out totally. There seems to be no accepting option for those who want to opt out of being male or female, to become genderless. And is some states in the USA no public washrooms for them to use either.27mirror014The statement made to Andrew has that implied notion that suicide is a viable option, which it may be under certain extreme circumstances because I do think we have the right to decide how to end our lives as opposed to forced medical intervention. But no one has the right to suggest or support it as a viable option to any disability, or to any non-heteronormative choices.

sample

a win win situation 

I have nothing to add

I had something to say

someone else has already it said it

there’s no need for me to repeat it

that is often the case

when I keep my big mouth shut

some else beats me to the punch

I can keep my thoughts to myself

which allows me to appear wiser than I am

silence often passes for depth

the less I say

the less I have to substantiate

I have nothing to prove either

I’ve found the the fast to talk

have a need

to define their territory
to prove their knowledge

to get their point across

whereas I

am content to wait

maybe say enough

to agree or disagree

which gets my point across

to argue is to defeat the purpose

to say too much

is to take on more responsibility

that I need to

it keeps others from thinking for themselves

if it hasn’t been said

I can add my few cents worth

readily and once

it pays to say things only once

if you miss what I said

I may repeat it

but repetition isn’t productive either

saying it over and over

doesn’t strengthen a position

doesn’t inform

so I say once clearly

perhaps again with variation

if I’m not caught up in what I have to say

in what I have to establish

about who I am

I get to hear what you’re saying

I listen without formulating a response

whether I agree or not

is often irrelevant anyway

most people are so invested

in response

they don’t hear what anyone else may say

anyway

so why waste my time

on people who ask my thoughts

only to jump in with theirs

whenever possible

the less I say

the smarter you think you are

so it’s a win win situation

soon1

cover170x170-1on going 🙂 when new podcast are posted:  Deliciously iTunes

June 3-5: attending: Capturing Fire 2016newcap

https://capfireslam.org

check out these poets from Capturing Fire 2015: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCx5KD1eDccdjdTdQ28kZRNg

Here’s my DC experience 2015: http://wp.me/P1RtxU-1e3

June 11, Saturday  – attending: The Toronto Poetry Talks – 10 AM – Metro Hall, 55 John Street, Toronto, Ontario M5V 3C6

poetrytalk

https://www.facebook.com/events/147955055574679/

June 12, Sunday – participating: Michael Matheson – The Axe and the Scalpel – Editing Your Own Work 1:00 pm – Bakka-Phoenix Books – 84 Harbord Street, Toronto, ON M5S 2H7construction vert

tickets here

September 1-4: attending FanExpo 2016 (I’ve already registered)

expo16

https://www.facebook.com/fanexpocanada/?fref=ts

November 1 – 30 Participating NaNoWriMo

nanobullseye

http://nanowrimo.org/

money

Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblrmirror01

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/topoet

Homo of the Brave

06mirror01

Another tread that comes up frequently in Deliciously Disabled podcasts is this notion of being ‘so inspirational’ ‘so brave’ – as if to say that being inspirational is compensation for being disabled – that if you aren’t being brave you are even more of a failure. The brave facade in the face of obstacles seems to mean if you are facing them then that’s enough, you don’t need anything more than this acknowledgement. Along as I say you are an inspiration I don’t have to do anything to help. As long as you are inspirational you deserve to live (more about this next week).06mirror02

I’ve had people say similar things to me – not that I’m disabled in anyway – or even deeply emotionally traumatized – but many of the pieces I perform deal directly with growing up queer & I express those issues either frankly without emotionalizing them or with a sense of humour. But I don’t feel ‘brave’ when I do so.06mirror03

I think it takes me as much courage to say I haven’t been ‘deeply emotionally traumatized.’ The ‘power’ of the authentic and acceptable voice has been deemed more resonant when it come that hurt. There have been times when I told a fellow poet that I was never sexually molested as child that they dismissed my writing.06mirror04

An odd paradox – those that find me brave because I can speak my mind & those that think what I say isn’t worth saying because I haven’t suffered enough. Deliciously Disabled wants to deconstruct that imperative that ‘cripples must be inspirational’ into a perception that allows them to be human, & in his case he’d rather inspire an erection than anything else.

samp02

Life

I have chosen

to create

rather than reproduce

side stepping the cultural imperative

that man’s main purpose

is to perpetuate the species

that to participate in life

one must add to the population

that if one doesn’t

there is something fundamentally wrong

unless of course

this decision not to reproduce

is based on some deep spiritual sacrifice

for the betterment of the race

 

well let me tell you honey

I’m no spiritual giant

the only thing I believe in

is

I believe I’d like to get my dick sucked

 

because life isn’t only about survival

making enough money

to afford the products of reproduction

it’s about experience

 

I’ve opted not to experience

the joy of parenthood

for any number of selfish reasons

oh yes I’ve been accused of being

too self-centred to be a good parent anyway

to which I say

so fucking what

who is going to look after you

in your old age

they ask

well I say

if the only reason you had children

was to have them nurse you

in your dotage

that sounds pretty self-centred

or to force them to fulfill

the dreams you put on hold

to reproduce

to repay you for that sacrifice

that seems rather self-serving too

 

so I chose to create

rather than procreate

to fulfill my own dreams

but

I have made sure

that more than

my dna has been harvested

for future generations

soon

cover170x170-1on going 🙂 when new podcast are posted:  Deliciously iTunes

June 3-5: attending: Capturing Fire 2016 – Washington, DC – I’m registered 🙂

nufire

https://capfireslam.org

check out these poets from Capturing Fire 2015: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCx5KD1eDccdjdTdQ28kZRNg

June 11 – attending: The Toronto Poetry Talks – 10 AM – Metro Hall, 55 John Street, Toronto, Ontario M5V 3C6

poetrytalk

https://www.facebook.com/events/147955055574679/

June 12, Sunday – participating: Michael Matheson – The Axe and the Scalpel – Editing Your Own Work 1:00 pm – Bakka-Phoenix Books – 84 Harbord Street, Toronto, ON M5S 2H7construction vert

tickets here

September 1-4: attending FanExpo 2016 (I’ve already registered)

expo16

https://www.facebook.com/fanexpocanada/?fref=ts

November 1 – 30 Participating NaNoWriMo

nanobullseye

http://nanowrimo.org/

money

Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblr

mirror

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/topoet

#HyperMasculinity

On another of this season’s Deliciously Disabled podcasts Andrew Gurza talks about concepts of masculinity – particularly in how men present themselves as men, as viable sexual objects. He talks about making sure he has his hat on the right way, picking the right jeans – things that he hopes attract the right attention, things that somehow make his disability less overwhelming.

29whitecabinet

Like most men – I suspect this is universal – his vision of masculinity is informed by media. Hollywood in particular. Growing up I was bombarded by a hyper masculinity; Tarzan – Hercules: two quick examples. For Andrew Murder Ball was very influential. When I discovered porn the male ideal was hyper cocked – tops were always butch, bottoms butch but less so. Rarely did one see overtly fem guys in either role.29browndesk

I was not a sporty kid beyond sand lot baseball. I was a fast runner but even when I won I was mocked for running like a girl – whatever that meant – so I gave up that. I was small, blond, artistic & introverted. I’d rather read than ‘play’ outdoors.29beigedesk

I’ve blogged about being cismale. I never seriously questioned my gender once I realized & saw that being queer didn’t mean I wanted to be a woman. That was the image of queer that I grew up with – cross-dressing & drag = homosexual.29brownshelf

Back to the Delicious moment – Andrew talks about the role of how he presents & the challenge of maintaining this masculine image in his wheel chair. It’s pushed him to question why this image exists & if it’s worth the stress of maintaining it. It leads me to wonder how many guys do this – project the image but don’t question it as long as it gets them laid. samp03

Elimination

I’ve been working on

of ridding my mind of cultural stains

thoughts & perceptions

that I was soaked in growing up

ideologies that went unquestioned

concepts that I accepted

even as I quietly tried to reject them

race gender privilege desire

 

happiness constructed as

the correct pair bonding

to create the perfect consumer unit

to reproduce

being queer I knew that pair bonding

was unlikely

but the social imperative

was so all pervasive it couldn’t be ignored

by my generation

by my geography

 

so as I resisted that bonding command

I questioned my sense of self

never the validity of that command

not to fit in wasn’t so bad

but it wasn’t good either

the shaming was external

then internal

 

generations have changed

queers star in TV shows

about their hilarious tribulations

drag queen compete on reality shows

a new shaming has begun

about being the perfect bonding queer pair

 

 

the realization comes that

regardless of race gender education

accomplishments entitlements

if one opts out of the norm

the stains can never be removed

don’t have to be removed

no matter who faults me

for not being radical enough

perhaps that is too radical

soon02

cover170x170-1on going 🙂 when new podcast are posted:  Deliciously iTunes

June 3-5: attending: Capturing Fire 2016 – The DC Centre – 2000 14th St NW, Suite 105 – Washington, DC – I’m registered 🙂

nufire

https://capfireslam.org

check out these poets from Capturing Fire 2015: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCx5KD1eDccdjdTdQ28kZRNg

June 11 – attending: The Toronto Poetry Talks – 10 AM – Metro Hall, 55 John Street, Toronto, Ontario M5V 3C6

poetrytalk

https://www.facebook.com/events/147955055574679/

September 1-4: attending FanExpo 2016 (I’ve already registered)

expo16

https://www.facebook.com/fanexpocanada/?fref=ts

November 1 – 30 Participating NaNoWriMo

nanobullseye

http://nanowrimo.org/

money

Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblrwhitedesk

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/topoet

Know Your Status

Deliciously Disabled’s recent podcast on getting for sdt’s brought back to me the first time I was tested, way back in the early 80’s. Initial hurdle was to get there getting the right times at Hassle Free. Men and women had different days and times of the day. Next hurdle was my sense of deep shame – it didn’t dissipate even though the staff were more indifferent than anything else.15red07The questions about my sexual activity were awkward. Unlike Deliciously Disabled who had to convince the professionals that he even had sex, I was unwilling to admit how little sex I had had. Then there was the admonishing for even that little bit – no, not admonishing, but merely being told about protection. I slut shamed myself.15red08Swabs, blood draws were no problem compared to the waiting. Once there was a confirmation. I had been sullied!! My self shame flared up: I was getting was I deserved for enjoying the sex I experienced. Naming names. Meds, shots in the butt – returns for further testing.15gold09Along came HIV and the testing & waiting was even more fraught with stress and shame. Now it was more than self-shame. It was condemnation by the medical community – how could you not be more careful? Why don’t you stop having sex?

I got over some of that but not completely. That sort of slut shaming remains rampant but is less direct. It’s not as if the right to marry is protection against std. But that’s another blog post.15snow03I get tested regularly, more frequently it seems than I have sex 🙂 Now I’m more stressed by waiting room ettiequte. How many free condom/lube packets are too many? Is cruising the other guys waiting okay? Know your status.

samples

Will

where does my will

my right to choose

start

and the ways I have been

seduced by culturally encoded definitions

take over

do I ever even start to think for myself

when everything

is plunked down in front me

like a meal I didn’t order

but have got to eat

encoded like the bars in a prison cell

when the only crime I committed

is being born

where is choice

in a nation where colour is guilt

where sexuality is approved

where male female are the official roles

self determination is limited by

what is approved of by others

 

cure by label

acceptance by diagnosis

guilt by association

labels that can’t be contested

even when they are self-applied

guilty even when proved innocent

 

I’m told that if I desire men

these are the ones I am to desire

these are the ones not to desire

or

these are the ones out of your league

these are the ones

no one wants to desire

these are the ones

everyone wants

so you should want them too

if you don’t

there is something wrong with you

not with them

you must have low self-esteem

you must be sick in the head

not normal

falling between the cracks of definition

of what queer cultures says you should be

have to be

to have the right to choose

to have the opportunity

to be the chosen one

though my will tells me

there are worse things

than not being among the chosen many

 

http://nanowrimo.org/

money

Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblrtablehttps://www.tumblr.com/blog/topoet

Deliciously DisLogistics

A theme that runs through the Deliciously Disabled podcast is the logistics of having sex with someone disabled. The ‘how to work around’ the physical limitations of one partner can play a big part in anything happening, regardless of the limitation.5park09A fully mobile guy with a bad back always presents the need to ‘work around’, or in my case, knees that aren’t up to a lot of busy pressure – i.e. anything that presses repeatedly on the knee caps stops being fun or comfortable. Some guys will only top or bottom doggy style. Not with my knees.5park10Andrew has learned to negotiate clearly with his partners what he is capable of doing but seems willing to stretch to find out if his physical restrictions aren’t as limiting as he thinks.

Not to minimize physical limitations – which are easily recognized – I often find what I’ll call ‘cultural’ limitations, to be more constrictive. I’ve had guys decline me once they realized I was being honest (well, that can be enough to begin with) when I say no p’n’p (party & play) – the idea of having sex without stimulants as part of things is impossible for them.5park11One guy I met up with at his place was all gung ho until I said no to a drink! He didn’t know what to do with someone who didn’t need a couple of glasses of wine or beers to prime the pump. He didn’t feel comfortable drinking in front me, even though I didn’t care if he did. I was there for fun not to educate anyone of the evils of booze 🙂 I’ve come to see these ‘refusals’ as the universe protecting me, figuratively & literally, from assholes.5park42As clear as Andrew’s disability are I often feel some guys will talk sex but are eager for any excuse not to have sex. The more obvious the ‘obstacle’  the more eager they are to use that as an excuse. They want to be wanted not to be had. samp01

Understanding

I know better

no point is acting as if I didn’t

the work is to act as if I did

to follow directions

seems too complacent mediocre

yeah they work okay

but what’s the point

here’s more to be learned

reinventing the wheel

than being smugly satisfied by

the one the way

that’s always done the job so well

it’ll never roll another way

it’ll never roll out of the way

like the massive wheel of society

the steam roller

pressing the shit out of everyone

the complacent the moderate

the extremes the rebels the controllers

all get crushed under that weight

what we know about weight

what I understand about gravity

won’t change that crush one iota

is there a deeper truth

 

life after crush perhaps

avoiding the crush is unlikely

even making a name for yourself

is a mere impression not a sensation

shakespeare is remembered

but he’s not dining out on his reputation

he’s not getting laid anymore

his bones aren’t sacred relics  yet

he strutted then departed

we each depart

making the most of our time here

as we avoid those who would push

us under the steam roller

judging and accusing

as they expect to be spared

because unlike me

they really do know better

soon02

cover170x170-1on going 🙂 when new podcast are posted:  Deliciously iTunes

April 19: judging: Hot Damn! It’s A Queer Slam Season 2 finale: 8 p.m. : Buddies In Bad Times Theatre – 12 Alexander St., Toronto, Ontario

12898413_10153547776485840_600096494201986262_o

Hot Damn!

order tickets now

June 3-5: attending: Capturing Fire 2016 – The DC Centre – 2000 14th St NW, Suite 105 – Washington, DC

nufire

https://www.facebook.com/capturingfire/

June 11 – attending: The Toronto Poetry Talks – 10 AM – Metro Hall, 55 John Street, Toronto, Ontario M5V 3C6

poetrytalk

https://www.facebook.com/events/147955055574679/

September 1-4: attending FanExpo 2016 (I’ve already registered)expo16

https://www.facebook.com/fanexpocanada/?fref=ts

November 1 – 30 Participating NaNoWriMo

nanobullseye

http://nanowrimo.org/

money

Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblr

the beaten path?

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wanted vs. deserved vs. got

1black01Another of Deliciously Disabled’s recent podcasts that resonated with me dealt with ‘the sex I thought & wanted, deserved, got.’ Andrew talked about how much of his sexual expectation & fantasy was based on queer porn in which guys got down to it asap. Minimal conversation, if any at all, fast & eager – messy details edited out: putting on condoms, lubing up usually off screen. Guys who can stay hard constantly, fuck, get fucked for ages without coming. He was dismayed to realize that most porn is not instruction video.1black02Because he wasn’t the abled guys in porn he felt he’d have to accept whatever opportunity was viable for him, even if it wasn’t something he wanted to do. One doesn’t have to be disabled to get caught in that sense of ‘this is better than nothing.’ Not having a huge cock like those porn guys seems to mean that the the bigger dick guy gets to dictate what happens & you better like it or he’ll move on to someone who will be grateful for his powerful pecker. Even he opts to be the bottom.1greendeskFor me this also enters into sexual self-image. If one doesn’t have the photogenic equipment: dick, abs, youth, body hair that captures the camera eye then one isn’t deserving of those who do. All too often I see ‘like seeks like’ in on-line profiles: ‘fit only’ ‘over X inches only’ ‘none over XX years’ – men seeking to replicate those porn images.1purpleNot that I don’t have my own likes but they don’t dictate what I enjoy. I know that porn is edited. These guys take breaks to change camera angles, get hydrated enough to keep going, sometimes even a stunt cock will step in for those important close ups.  For more on this see my previous post Porn Has Ruined My Sex Life.

The sex I deserve isn’t about body parts.samp03Imagination

a shimmer of words

dialogue of needs

wants fantasy

woven from distorted fragments

of a culture of control

told what to dream

body operations attainable

via starvation

dedicated time sacrifice in gyms

eyeing one another’s progress

our image never living up to theirs

or our expectations of the perfect

perfect being that fantasy

striving pushing

told that not to dream that dream

results in defect

less than

undesirable

undeserving

worth only what we look at good as

stay at that ideal age weight

drift outside those parameters

at one’s peril

 

to have the goal is one thing

to live only for the dream

is another

limiting opportunity

closing other doors

that don’t fit the concept

woven from those

distorting fragments from movies tv

songs of ultimate romance

being the only authentic romance

 

to dream the possible dream

is to be delusion hopeless

to dream the impossible

is to be unsatisfied

always striving for the more

we feel compelled to have

to prove to someone

to ourselves

that we are intact

in fact beyond perfect

mere flesh and blood

happy only in imagination

soon02

cover170x170-1on going 🙂 when new podcast are posted:  Deliciously iTunes

 

June 3-5: attending: Capturing Fire 2016 – The DC Centre – 2000 14th St NW, Suite 105 – Washington, DC

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June 11 – attending: The Toronto Poetry Talks – 10 AM – Metro Hall, 55 John Street, Toronto, Ontario M5V 3C6

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September 1-4: attending FanExpo 2016 (I’ve already registered)expo16

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November 1 – 30 Participating NaNoWriMo

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Storyboard Sex

Another thought-provoking episode of Deliciously Disabled dealt with control & story boarding sex. Because of his physical limitations host Andrew Gurza needs to plan his sexual encounters to be sure his partner is ready for dealing with those limitations. He realized that in his focus on getting his fulfillment he had forgotten to include his partner’s fulfillment & was unwilling to allow for any variation from his own story boarding.green01

The quick, spontaneous sex of porn will never be available to him – which may not be such a negative thing. The guys I’ve meet who like that quick thing are rarely satisfied for long & don’t have the inclination to do much more than get their rocks off.green02

So this need to storyboard doesn’t make him that different from many men I’ve met who are so intent on their one favourite act that they discount any others or feel imposed upon when I suggest something. Some respond as if I was judging their way of doing things – how dare I not enjoy what they do as much as they enjoy doing it – it should be enough for me.green03

When Andrew saw how narrow his pleasure focus was he decided to change it. A willingness to be responsive that I find exciting in any man. When I’m asked what do you want me to do, as opposed to what do you want to do me, or told this what we’ll do I’m in much more responsive frame of mind.

This is why I generally avoid guys who say they are total bottoms or total tops – ‘total’ doesn’t leave any room for any mutuality. I’m also a little lazy & I’ve found ‘total’ bottoms take too much work to satisfy; while ‘total’ tops only do the work that gets them off. Leaving me to clean up.redwagon

Don’t get me wrong I’ve enjoyed a few washroom hook ups. Those fast & to the pint encounters can be super hot but I’d prefer slow and frequent, more than objectified body parts interacting.samp01

Love

he spoke sex with his lips

kept love hidden

allowed desire to draw the maps

followed them without direction

yet always with that unspoken

romance hoped for

while sneered at it at the same time

he spoke sex with his lips

delivered on that promise

attracted the same

time after time

men willing to be taken in

unwilling to be more than desired

unless he was willing

to surrender to their love

to their culturally defined

accepted

standardized

justified

limits of what love could would should

mean

no variation was allowed

either love was total surrender

to the control of the other

of each other

or is wasn’t authentic

but merely a shallow physical response

so he spoke affection with his lips

spoke sex

spoke openness and opportunity

stepped away from the standardized

paid the consequence

of their dissatisfaction

with such selfish attitudes

of not wanting to play

the betrayal of the heart game

because he who speaks sex with his lips

is inviting others to betrayal

of their sacred bonds

called a player and cheater

unwilling to make the sacrifice to fidelity

because their fidelity was so fragile

he was a constant threat

and to be honest

he loved being such a threat

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Best Sex & #DeliciouslyDisabled

Recently read Best Sex Writing of The Year (more here). It is full of excellent, provocative, explicit, informative essays on, of all things, sex. Funny, emotionally resonant, & sometimes hot. When I say ‘emotionally resonant’ I mean exactly that: Joan Price’s ‘Sharing Body Heat’ is a heart breaking essay about love, sex & aging.

Comprehensive without getting bogged down in jargon, judgement or seriousness, each essay opens a new door with a glimpse into sexuality that is refreshing & affirming. The role of skin-color & sneer in Interracial Porn; how to be Celibate !; more than enough to satisfy.

moon

you’ve been full mooned

Jason Armstrong’s (no relation) article about ‘Disability & Sex’ brought back some teenage memories. Dave, a Downs guy in his late teen’s was caught giving another guy a blowjob. It was represented as Dave being taken advantage of but it struck me that maybe he just wanted to have sex. In ‘Best Sex’ these issues are looked at clear-eyed: matters of consent & physical limitations are discussed. Do we ‘deny’ some the opportunity for sex to protect their ‘innocence’ or to maintain our own sense that sex is so shameful they shouldn’t enjoy it.

Here in Toronto there wass the upcoming DeliciouslyDisabled event in August https://www.facebook.com/events/722132997912209/. A masquerade-themed, play party that will allow sex and nudity. I’m tempted & conflicted at the same time. For years I had a fantasy of getting it on with Dave but because of the way disability is judged I could never tell if that was because I didn’t think I was worthy of a ‘normal’ man – see already buying in to cultural norms, or if I was just a horny gay guy?

snowperson

(s)no(w)balls

Reading ‘Best’ it came to me that we need a sexual bill of rights. The health benefits of safe, regular sex are statistically proven, & like water is necessary, sex is necessary. Yet so much of the ‘law’ restricts it, hmm, the Americans have ‘the right to bear arms’ why not the ‘the right to bare ass’ ?

blackbreif

brief case with a small package

Jon Pressick did an excellent job editing this collection. His essay on talking sex on the radio is fun & also provocative – the power of language & acceptability & censorship is an endless topic. You can pick up Best Sex anonymously online, or f2f, in Toronto, at Glad Day, or Good For Her, if you aren’t too shy 🙂

samples

Ambivalence

sometimes it turns into a trade

this is what I want

this is what it’ll cost

is that the price I’m willing to pay

is the sacrifice going to be worth the result

then it starts to seem so unfair

why can’t I have it my way

is that too much to ask

sure I’m willing to compromise some

but when is enough enough

 

when can I say no

to what want to say yes to

when I think I’m losing

more of myself

to gain something I think I want

if my conditions

were that unreasonable

I’d understand

but they’re not

I don’t expect anything of others

that I don’t permit of myself

I create no barriers of control

and resist them

when they become the cost of what I want

of what is offered to me

you can this steak

but have to eat it raw   sort of trade off

not a big thing

and I suppose it’s possible

 

how can I say yes and no at the same time

how will you feel

when I say yes I want what you offer

but not with those conditions

a yes is acceptance without quibbling

or is it the quibbling you want

because

you’re certainly getting all I can offer of that

soon02

November 1 – 30 Participating NaNoWriMo

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moon

mooned you again 🙂