#Slap #Unhappy

Slap Unhappy

my masochist lover wants to leave

I’m not causing him enough pain

he’s tried of merely being ashamed

of being seen with me in public

he needs more domestic humiliation

I reminded him

it wasn’t my fault he needed an audience

in order to feel the depths of abasement

that got him off

 

besides I have rotor cuff tears from

spanking him every time

the dishes weren’t cleared away fast enough

testicular torture

aggravates my Carpel tunnel syndrome

tennis elbow from fisting

doesn’t get me off at all

 

the constant stream of abuse

I had to supply him with was so draining

I had no spite left

for people who really deserved it

like that asshole barrista

who couldn’t make a latte

without a shake of cinnamon

I told him twice no cinnamon

and when it came with a dash

a sense of futility

flooded me with each sip

of that fucking latte

I had no choice but to go home

and take it out on my masochistic lover

but that wasn’t enough for him

 

and now my masochistic lover

wants to leave

because I don’t make him suffer enough

he feels I don’t care when I hurt him

that I’m not really into the brick-weighted

nipple clamps

into the cigar scarification

that I do those things with too much detachment

I ask him why my not caring

doesn’t add to his sense of being abused

isn’t it worse when the abuser

does it out of boredom

and not out of passion

 

once he packed up his latex

I slapped him goodbye

then shut the door

greensink

This is another piece that is great fun to perform. I wrote it for an event celebrating Sex Canada hosted by Jon Pressick when his Oral series was active. The show as at the Gladstone. It was a chance to write for an audience in the know where I did’t have to hold back anything.

Nearly everything I’ve read & heard performed about the s/m scene has been serious – technical or sort of apologetic & cathartic but humour rarely appears. The activities get treated with a reverence that elevates it or as a sort of smutty seedy experience.redclock

The first two lines came to me & after thinking about them for a while the rest of the piece flowed out quickly. In edits I paced it & in later rewrites I was able to expand the activities listed. I also worked on the psychology of s/m & how it plays out in reality with need for an audience.

It becomes a list poem that name checks many of the most well known s/m activities but I then attach real physical results – rotor cuff tears – things that one usually doesn’t think of in relation to sex. I love the Carpel tunnel syndrome moment.blackwire01

Toward the end I get into a list of even more explicit fetish activities. I knew my audience at the time would follow the escalation & when I’ve read it for people ‘not in the know’ the list gets a bit of a shocked reaction. I end with a real look at the power play & expectations of both side of the relationship. In these relationships the power is frequently in the ‘bottom’ the receiver of the attention and the abasements needs to meet aren’t always satisfying to the giver. Of course the slap good bye is the perfect ending when kisses are just too pedestrian.

I have found people into the s/m scene aren’t that open to having their activities treated so lightly. One took me to task for being ‘insulting’ in my approach the deep emotional bonds that are required for  for the trust that makes their interactions spiritually fulfilling. Others have been disappointed when I wasn’t interested in exploring their scene with them any further. blackwire02

The truth is that for me apparatus, emotional & play negotiation are too much work. I’ve had my ‘superficial’ experiences and they have been enough for me. Sex without humour about itself isn’t my scene – but that clown nose is going too far in the opposite direction 🙂soon

March 12, Saturday: attending:

spec2016

Toronto-SpecFic-Colloquium

March 16, Wednesday: judging at Hot Damn! it’s a Queer Slam – featuring The Ragdolls Supermarket Restaurant and Bar 268 Augusta Ave., Toronto, Ontario M5T2L9

hotdamn

https://www.facebook.com/groups/1504753909765085/

June 3-5: attending: Capturing Fire 2016 – The DC Centre – 2000 14th St NW, Suite 105 – Washington, DC

nufire

https://www.facebook.com/capturingfire/

June 11 – attending: The Toronto Poetry Talks – 10 AM – Metro Hall, 55 John Street, Toronto, Ontario M5V 3C6

poetrytalk

https://www.facebook.com/events/147955055574679/

July 4-8: maybe attending: Chasing  your Tale – Loyalist – Belleville

loy16

check 2016 Summer arts: loyalistfocus.com

September 1-4: attending FanExpo 2016expo16

https://www.facebook.com/fanexpocanada/?fref=ts

November 1 – 30 Participating NaNoWriMo

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http://nanowrimo.org/

money

Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

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First Person Pleasure

Glad Day Book’s Naked Heart is an ambitious new literary festival. Organized around the participation of over 100 lgbtqf’s performers – yes, that is getting more & more unwieldy as more sub-communities insist on inclusivity – ‘f’ is for ‘fluid’ – I’m sure we’ll be adding ‘c’ eventually for cis-queers. Anyway events are bing held in the down core at the bookstore, cafes, bars & Buddies.

ch03

I got out to First Person Pleasure: Non-Fiction Sex Writing at Glad Day. Moderated by Jon Pressick the panel looked at writing non-fiction (as opposed to non-friction) sex. They addressed many issues from anonymity, form, transgressiveness & why. The ‘why’ was, for them, a way of gaining personal insight by writing about their experiences – a way also of putting themselves back into it.

ch02

Katie Sly spoke about the writing process as a way of reversing camera angles – when she’s having sex it can be like watching it happen to her, when she writes about it she experiences it more fully, when you read about it you watch it happen to her. I liked her piece ‘piss play is everything I imagined it would be’ – which elevated w.s. to a nearly sacred experience of intimacy.

ch01

Mike Miksche sees his reporting as a way to open a window into worlds that people are afraid to go in to. He strives to write about in a way that isn’t sensationalizing the subject but also doesn’t appear to be anti-sex either if his experiences haven;’t been pleasant. He is frustrated at time that the level of frankness he works on is often seen as ‘smut’ and not at literature. Another panelist remarked that there’s nothing wrong with smut.

stairs

Star spoke from a trans perspective, & as a former sex worker. Star’s writing began as a way of examining past trauma. As things were processed there was a inner demand to allow these realizations go public so could help others deal with the same issues. Star felt as much as it was a need to understand the self there was no attempt at being apologetic or even blaming. This is how it is. I survived it so can you.

Jon talked about the one issue that I saw a subtext to the event – that sex writing has to be somehow radical & way out there – a series he had written was dissed by readers for being too tame. It made me wonder if there’s no interest in the ordinary sex lives of people & how they deal with the same issues of acceptance. Most of the sex stuff I’ve written certainly comes from the ordinary perspective but there are some who find it too out there.

samp02

The Future of Sex

he kisses like he means it

like he needs it

as much as I do

there is no rush to get naked

but there is a need to

we mean to be bare with each other

the compulsion of the flesh

a subtext for our concerns

about each other’s activities

his work

family at xmas

driving conditions

my writing

our notions of love

not that we are talking

about being in love with each other

but what love means to people

I’d say to men

but it doesn’t really vary

from gender to gender

he’s seeing someone he likes

I’m living with the same man

for over thirty years

is this enough for either of us

or is this need for enough

a reflection of a cultural social paradigm

that says we have to seek a mate

for life

to make our lives fulfilled and satisfying

that we need to settle down

we’ll have someone

to look after us when we get too old

to look after ourselves

so we won’t end up lonely bitter old piles of bones

stranded in a corner of a geriatrics ward

with only our memories of great sex

to keep us warm

too feeble to appeal to anyone

to even reach for a dildo

because honey there ain’t no handbook

on gay geriatric sex

I’m pretty sure the will to live

is tied into the will to get it off

but because age is so disgusting

only dildos will be willing to do the job

he rolls to face me

erections touching

says lets worry about the future of sex

after the sex of the moment

soon1

November 1 – 30 Participating NaNoWriMo
nano15

http://nanowrimo.org/

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Best Sex & #DeliciouslyDisabled

Recently read Best Sex Writing of The Year (more here). It is full of excellent, provocative, explicit, informative essays on, of all things, sex. Funny, emotionally resonant, & sometimes hot. When I say ‘emotionally resonant’ I mean exactly that: Joan Price’s ‘Sharing Body Heat’ is a heart breaking essay about love, sex & aging.

Comprehensive without getting bogged down in jargon, judgement or seriousness, each essay opens a new door with a glimpse into sexuality that is refreshing & affirming. The role of skin-color & sneer in Interracial Porn; how to be Celibate !; more than enough to satisfy.

moon

you’ve been full mooned

Jason Armstrong’s (no relation) article about ‘Disability & Sex’ brought back some teenage memories. Dave, a Downs guy in his late teen’s was caught giving another guy a blowjob. It was represented as Dave being taken advantage of but it struck me that maybe he just wanted to have sex. In ‘Best Sex’ these issues are looked at clear-eyed: matters of consent & physical limitations are discussed. Do we ‘deny’ some the opportunity for sex to protect their ‘innocence’ or to maintain our own sense that sex is so shameful they shouldn’t enjoy it.

Here in Toronto there wass the upcoming DeliciouslyDisabled event in August https://www.facebook.com/events/722132997912209/. A masquerade-themed, play party that will allow sex and nudity. I’m tempted & conflicted at the same time. For years I had a fantasy of getting it on with Dave but because of the way disability is judged I could never tell if that was because I didn’t think I was worthy of a ‘normal’ man – see already buying in to cultural norms, or if I was just a horny gay guy?

snowperson

(s)no(w)balls

Reading ‘Best’ it came to me that we need a sexual bill of rights. The health benefits of safe, regular sex are statistically proven, & like water is necessary, sex is necessary. Yet so much of the ‘law’ restricts it, hmm, the Americans have ‘the right to bear arms’ why not the ‘the right to bare ass’ ?

blackbreif

brief case with a small package

Jon Pressick did an excellent job editing this collection. His essay on talking sex on the radio is fun & also provocative – the power of language & acceptability & censorship is an endless topic. You can pick up Best Sex anonymously online, or f2f, in Toronto, at Glad Day, or Good For Her, if you aren’t too shy 🙂

samples

Ambivalence

sometimes it turns into a trade

this is what I want

this is what it’ll cost

is that the price I’m willing to pay

is the sacrifice going to be worth the result

then it starts to seem so unfair

why can’t I have it my way

is that too much to ask

sure I’m willing to compromise some

but when is enough enough

 

when can I say no

to what want to say yes to

when I think I’m losing

more of myself

to gain something I think I want

if my conditions

were that unreasonable

I’d understand

but they’re not

I don’t expect anything of others

that I don’t permit of myself

I create no barriers of control

and resist them

when they become the cost of what I want

of what is offered to me

you can this steak

but have to eat it raw   sort of trade off

not a big thing

and I suppose it’s possible

 

how can I say yes and no at the same time

how will you feel

when I say yes I want what you offer

but not with those conditions

a yes is acceptance without quibbling

or is it the quibbling you want

because

you’re certainly getting all I can offer of that

soon02

November 1 – 30 Participating NaNoWriMo

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moon

mooned you again 🙂

 

Remember Me – Erotically

When I got of the subway at Wellesley I was confronted by the thick fringe of Pride – in the parking lot across the street was a ferris wheel flashing the rainbow colours as it revolved – empty. An oddly fitting symbol for Pride to me – colourful, loud & an unfulfilled promise of a thrill ride. An event of people too busy wanting to be seen that they only see people looking at them who also want to be seen.

The third floor of Glad Day was a welcome quiet respite from even that brief taste of Pride. A room was quickly filled with people who were there on purpose & the features certainly fulfilled that purpose. Host Jon Pressick started Dirty.Queer.Sexy with a fun tease about the latest in fetish play: axe throwing! His short tosser was about joining (in his real life) an axe-throwing league & the pleasures of being given up-close & personal instruction on the right positions for the most effective release of the axe. He’s certainly got a handle on this fetish.

chain01

chains of love

I was up first – exhausted as I was from my week at Loyalist & getting back to TO at supper time – an audience always charges me up. I kept my set short, fast, fast, funny & in your pants. Ending with Born to Blown is great fun for me & always ups the energy of the room.

Next up was Dorianne Emmerton (dorianneemmerton.com. )who started with some sexy nursery rhymes: ‘Jack be nimble … let me jump you with my strap on.’ She read a hot section from one of her three-some stories in which three expands to five: ‘a lifetime is a long time to be with one person,’ ‘you seem so normal,’ ‘freaks was exactly what they were & they enjoyed it.’  Explicit action aroused & amused at the same time – the best kind of sex – though I may never think of a pepper grinder the same way again.

chain02

love of chains

She was followed by Kwame Stephens (www.kwamestephens.net) – his resonant voice was enough to put me in the mood for more than spokenword from him 🙂 His first piece to a ‘lover’ was a situation I’m familiar with -‘when you lie next to your wife at night, remember me – how you made me so hard.’ I wanted more of his Hard Dark Chocolate stories about black men negotiating their sexuality. If he has time ‘I can show you you my place. You can show me the correct way to do push ups.’

chain03

of love & chains

Last up was the legendary Alec Butler (www.alecbutler.com) with a set of early writings – though I suspect some in the room where hearing Chantilly Lace for the first time. These were pieces written in the 80’s & 90’s that still had powerful contemporary relevance & fierce language to match ‘it’s not a bleeding wound, you fucker, it’s a cunt’ ‘I like to strip for a room of dykes – gives’em all a wide on,’ ‘looking for a woman playing a woman playing a man’ ‘since I was 12 I’ve been defending my right to exist,’ ‘a virgin Mary took me to her mysterious cave’

perfect nano sample

if I had time I would have read this excerpt from Picture Perfect

Dan hooked his thumbs around the waist band of Sanjay’s sweats and began to pull them down.

“Hey!” Sanjay slapped at his hand. “At least let me finish the dishes.”

“Yes master.” Dan nuzzled Sanjay’s ear. “How’s this.”

“No much better.” Sanjay giggled and reached behind with one hand to fondle’s Dan’s cock. “Good thing you are wearing jeans or I’d be unable to finish my work.”

Dan took his hands out of Sanjay’s sweats, put one over Sanjay’s hand to press it harder on his cock and stroked Sanjay’s erection through the front of his sweats.

“You want to finish these?” Squirmed around to face Dan.

“Nope I’d rather finish this.” he pushed Sanjay’s sweats down past his ankles and leaned over to suck the head of his cock.

San pumped his hips slightly. “Ah yes, that is a good worker.”

Dan knelt. Hands on Sanjay’s ass he pushed Sanjay deeper into his mouth then let him back out a little. He worked his tongue under the foreskin, tasting pre-come. He gently bit the loose skin.

“Oh oh.” Sanjay gasped. “Yes yes. Harder. Bite that skin harder.”

Dan bit a little harder. Sanjay rocked his hips a little, pulled his cock out and then came on Dan’s face.

“Let me wipe that off for you.” With a ragged sigh he rubbed his cock in his come on Dan’s chin

As he did that Dan attempted to catch Sanjay’s cock in his mouth again.

“You can’t get enough, can you you cock-sucking slut.” He shoved his still hard cock back into Dan’s mouth then pulled it out. He forced Dan to stand up and kissed him, smearing the come on both their faces.

“You like that.” he grunted between kisses.

“You know I do.”

“Then you are going to like this even more.”

Sanjay stepped out of his sweats and kicked them away. Then he undid Dan’s jeans and forced them down to his ankles, pushed him around and bent him over the table. He dropped to his knees and tongued Dan’s ass. He reached around to jack Dan off.

Dan moaned while he reached back to push Sanjay’s face between his ass cheeks. The rub of Sanjay’s whiskers on his ass cheeks made his eyes water with pleasure.

“Oh baby yes. Eat that fucking ass. Eat it.”

Sanjay did for a few minutes then stood to grab some lube from behind the cookie jar on the kitchen counter.

“You ready for this?” he said as he rubbed lube on his cock and then along Dan’s ass crack and up his hole.

“Oh!” Dan said. “I see you were ready.”

“Yeah. Why wait for dessert before I have dessert. Right? Nothing like some fresh butt pie to make me happy.”

He pressed his cock along Dan’s ass and gently pushed the head into his rectum.

“Oh.” Dan steeled himself. “Slowly. It’s been awhile.”

“Don’t I know it.” He pushed a little deeper.

“Be still.” Dan said. He held his breath as his ass muscles relaxed enough to allow Sanjay to enter deeper. Then pushed down on the cock to encourage Sanjay to push up at the same time.

“I love to open you up.” He trust deeper. In and out slowly.

“That’s it.” Dan leave this head back on Sanjay’s shoulders. “Who knew we would turn out to be the right height for each other.”

The table began to move as Sanjay fucked Dan harder. They did a quick pivot so Dan could brace himself against the kitchen counter.

“Better?” He asked.

“Perfect, baby, perfect.”

Sanjay held Dan’s hips as he trust faster and deeper. His knees flexed and his last few trusts lifted Dan right off the floor. He stopped abruptly and pulled his cock out.

Dan felt hot come splatter the small of his back.

shelf

shelf bondage

June – I’m busting out all over!

What can I say – when I get busty, I mean busy – I get real busy 🙂 Starting June, with a week in Washington DC! I’m flying my queerness to the USA to take part in Capturing Fire 2015 to add another initial to the expanding lgbtq acronym ‘a’ for aging because there’s no hiding the fact that I’m over 50. Because in the queer poetry scene I’m familiar with there aren’t many my age hitting the stage.

redumbrella

busted brolly

In the non-queer poetry scene I’m often the only queer in the room, as it were, & it gets to be dull being bombarded by hetero-normative, hetero-centric writers of other genders – some of whom have told me that they find me very brave to be so out. Get over it.

So I’m eager for a 3-day immersion into this lgbtqa poetry summer & slam. Every now & then I feel the need to give my creative a juices a flood of new energy – sometimes via one day Colloquium or a workshop like Loyalist – each energizes me out of my comfort zone.

I’m not sure what to expect in Washington other than seeing some sites, taking lot of photos, and hearing a bunch of younger lgbtq poets. I’ve also signed on for a couple of the workshop offered & will hit the open stages for sure.

redpan

banged pan

I’m home for a week or so then I’m off to Loyalist for five days on intense prose work with a class of intense writers. I’ve been going to this workshop for several years & know, to an extent, what to expect. I’ll be doing at least one class presentation on a plot beginning with a premise, & maybe one of blogging.

greyhat

hung hat

I get back to TO on June 26th & after a shower & a snack, head out to do a feature at the Pride 2015 Erotica Cabaret, hosted by Jon Pressick at Glad Day Books. I’ve already started building that set.The next night – June 27, I do a set at the Summer Sizzler at Hirut on the Danforth – this set will be totally different from the Pride set, trust me, even I get tired of the old dick tricks 🙂

The next day is my birthday – 100 at last –  so there’ll be a parade downtown for me, which I’ll watch on TV, thank you. After all that, a week of laundry & rest.

samples

Calypso’s Cave

I want to return to Calypso’s cave

for more erotic instruction

the ways of love I had been taught

never seemed enough for this world

like Lazarus I could not

remain in the shelter forever

I cannot rely on Neptune

to fulfill all my body’s longings

released from his tender endless coil

onto this shore where

I am unsure of my welcome

unsure of my name

unsure of anything except

I need another seven years

to prepare me for cities of silver glass

for the fumbling turmoil of men and women

who tumble excitedly

grasping for quick satisfaction

not having the time

to indulge in the erotic instruction

I have received and have to pass on

let me return to Calypso

for another seven time seven

this school of sorrow and longing

I have been cast into

holds no secrets for me

or is this the next lesson

pleasure isn’t the end but the beginning

sorrow isn’t the result only a symptom

as I wander these streets

I cannot feel the rivers flow

I see their mouths open

but no water comes forth

I want to return to Neptune

after sailing seeking

from one golden fleece to the next

is there anyone awaiting me

or am I the only one waiting

to bring new light the cave

and see that Lazarus wrote on its walls

Calypso’s joke

Neptune’s revenge

the lover of the world ready for love

and no river bed for me to lie on

soon02

June 3-5 – attending – Capturing Fire 2016 – Washington DC

fire

https://capfireslam.org

 

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umbrella