Lazarus Kiss.42

Sis amplexibus Amor alios mututa memini et amoris in mutationes memini.

May you be embraced by a love beyond recall that alters others

and a love within recall that alters you.

kiss

Yeah. Get Harris in this place, on home ground. He pictured himself slamming Harris to the bed and with his knees pinning Harris’s shoulders down his cock could plunge into Harris’s eager mouth. Yeah that’s the ticket.

*34*

When Harris heard the muffled scream he stopped. The park was quiet except for the sounds of near by traffic. Then he heard it again. The sounds of a struggle, of a person trying to escape and to be heard at the same time.

It was coming from the shadows behind a small shed marked ‘Employees Only.’ He stayed on the well lit path. “Are you okay?” He called out.

The scuffle stopped. If it was a drug thing he didn’t want to get involved but with the Stalker alerts he didn’t want to walk away from someone being attacked. He backed closer to the park lighting.

“I’m calling 911.” He took his cell out and pressed in the numbers.

A figure darted out from the shadow and into the park away from Harris. A woman staggered out and into the light.

“Thank you. Thank you.” Clutching her torn blouse she sprawled sobbing on a nearby bench.

Harris gave the 911 operator the necessary information and was told police would be there shortly. Before he could turn to the woman a police car pulled up at the parkette entrance. He saw that another one had pulled up to the opposite side of the parkette.

A figure darted out from bushes at that end and two policeman grappled with it. After a brief struggle the figure was pushed into the backseat of the cruiser.

Two officers from the cars that had pulled up at his end of the park were talking to the woman. A third constable came over to him.

Before he got to Harris a reporter was there. The speed at which the TV crew arrived amazed Harris. Were they in the backseat of the police cruiser? A reporter was talking to him before the police could intervene.

“Did you get a good look at the Stalker? What did he look like?” The reporter angled a microphone at him.

“All I did was call 911.” Harris shrugged and stepped back from the lunging camera.

“Did you see the stalker? What did he look like? Weren’t you sacred for your own safety.” The questions were so fast Harris didn’t know which one to answer first. Another police car arrived.

Detective Alverez stepped between him and the news crew, which had been joined by another station’s crew.

“The witness has nothing to say to the press at this time.” She nodded to two policemen who herded the press away.

“We’re trying to report this story.” One of the reporters shouted.

“Our victim has a right to privacy.” Alverez replied as she steered Harris away from them and into the parkette. “Another brush with fate. You remember it this time, Mr. Stevens?”

“Not much to remember. I was on my way home and heard a struggle from behind that shed over there. I called 911. Your men showed up. Caught him. How is …”

“She’ll be fine. You didn’t actually see what happened.”

“No. A cry for help, I think. It all happened so fast I’m not sure. Saw him run across the park and right into the arms of the police. Then the camera crews arrived.”

“Yeah. They have been hot on this. Nothing legally we can do about them. Hope you won’t mind being on the news. Detective Chiba will take your statement.”

She went over to the victim.

*35*

In the elevator up to his condo Harris realized that over the past couple of weeks he had become much more accustomed to police interrogation than he ever expected to be. His life had been fairly level till … till his Dad told him about the curse.

This time he didn’t have much to tell the police. He hadn’t seen anything beyond the figure running away and the woman who staggered out from behind the storage shed. That wasn’t the sort of information that helped a case, say, if the man they caught claimed he was just leaving the park, and not the one Harris had seen darting away.

His cell rang as he went into his apartment.

“Hey Dog.”

“What’s up Trev. You dug up another of my old girlfriends.”

“Still sore about that? Nah, we’re just seeing you on the news. You’ve gone from heart breaker to lifesaver.”

“Sure looks that way.” He filled Trevor in on what had happened while he tugged off his shoes and the rest of his clothes. Why did it always feel good to get naked.

“My auntie wants to talk with you. She says she’s discovered out more about your curse.”

Harris didn’t want to care anymore. All the emotional and physical battering the curse had caused him was tiring. It seemed if they weren’t falling over him they were beating the hell out of him.

“Tomorrow night. I’m bushed from rescuing a damsel in distress, you know.”

“Harris to the rescue. I hear you. That’ll be soon enough.”

“You can tell her I know exactly what the curse says. My Dad found out in an old diary.”

“Great. Talk soon.”

*36 Friday*

When Harris got back from lunch there was a couriered envelope from his dad at his dE.tail desk. Inside was the transcription of the diary.

“Harris

Here are more of the Tobias Stevens diaries.  The full diaries run about a four hundred pages. I’ve had the pertinent sections abstracted for you. If you want the whole thing we have that.

As you’ll see there are few dates for most of the entries. Seems Tobias kept track of events and years but not of months or even days of the week. The transcription service modernized the language for clarity but we have a literal version should we need to consult that.

His brother Thomas had suffered brain damage at a child. When their parents died Tobias took him in.

Dad”

The pertinent sections covered several pages. Along with them were photocopies of the actually pages.

He started reading them on the subway home.

“I awoke early this morning to the sound of horses and shouting around my stables. I pulled on my boots, grabbed my pistols and strode out into the morning fog. There was nearly ten men from the surrounding area in the yard. Jasper McClough and his son Bradley from the farm nearest mine and some men from the village.

Jasper expostulated angrily that they were on a hunt for a vagrant gypsy man. One who had been interfering with the women of the village. Jasper himself had caught this vagrant bedding down his own good wife.

They had pursued him though the fields and are sure he saw this vagrant dash into my barn.

I ordered them off my property. Told them to come back with a constable. I did not deny what evidence Jasper may have had with his own eyes. I would not allow blood to be shed on my property. God would not allow them the privilege of dealing out punishment for adultery.

The men heeded my words and rode off vowing to return to exact their vengeance.

Once I was sure they were gone I went into the barn with my brother Thomas. I called out for this fugitive to show himself, while assuring I meant him no harm.

The man that presented himself was swarthy and dark. Fell to his knees, grabbed my hand and kissed it thanking me for interceding on his behalf. I pulled him to his feet. I was not interested in effusive gratitude.

I questioned him regarding my good neighbours’ accusations. The gypsy man, whose named was Rowell Byrnes, claimed he had no knowledge of the actions of which he was accused. Despite his dark features he bore an honest face. He appeared to be in his early twenties and in good health.”

Next pertinent portion of the diary –

“Jasper McClough and his son returned as the sun was setting. They appeared less driven by anger yet were insistent that I turn the fiendish gypsy over to them. Regardless if I didn’t believe my trustworthy neighbour he was sure I realized the danger of harbouring such a vile man, that gypsies consorted with Satan. He was positive his own cows had stopped giving milk as result of this consort of the devil.

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Lazarus Kiss.38

Sis amplexibus Amor alios mututa memini et amoris in mutationes memini.

May you be embraced by a love beyond recall that alters others

and a love within recall that alters you.

kiss

*41*

It was 9:50 when Alex arrived at Story. Enough time to put on his official wait staff shirt and apron.

“Replaced Linda that fast.” Cally smirked.

“Whaddya mean.” Did he smell any different after being with Harris? Box breath was one thing but man sweat was another.

“You have look in your eyes that you get when you’ve just fucked some girl’s brains out.”

“First off I don’t dig ‘girls’ I prefer women. Adult women, preferably with jobs. And second it’s none of your business and you can tell Linda that too.”

Saturday was one of the live music nights at Story. Tonight was a regular band – Plusher an Usher cover band. Slinky, but loud, soul which Alex found easier to take than Meatillica, a Metallica tribute band that was merely loud and distorted. Plusher brought in women whereas Meatillica brought in over-the-hill guys in their forties who thought they were still in their teens. The women smelled better, tipped better and the men didn’t annoy the female staff by trying to get lucky.

Loud music always meant lots of leaning closer than usual to tables to hear orders. Sweet smelling women were always more enjoyable than guys who hadn’t showered and hoped their aftershave would do the job.

His duties were to clear, pass orders on to wait staff and sometimes deliver them. He got his usual share of women flirting with him and at least two inappropriate touches. He’d learned never to shave before going to work on Plusher nights. The women couldn’t resist feeling his stubble. One went further and actually rode her hand under his apron to get a good feel of his equipment.

He stopped her. “Ma’am. The zipper is always up.”

She laughed. “That’s not what I heard. I’m a friend of Gemma. You know from last week. She recommends your special back alley service very highly.”

“Thank her for me.” he disengaged her hand. Her heavily jewelled bracelet sparked in the light. Is that what real diamonds look like? “Tonight is strictly table service.” He stepped away. Her musky rose perfume seemed to cling to his apron as he smoothed it down.

“Too bad.” the woman made a playful yet disappointed face. “Here, hot stuff, this’ll change your mind.”

She a handed him a twenty folded around a tin-foil twist. He knew it was coke.

“Thanks.” He took the twist out and pocketed the twenty.

“As you can see there is more than one of us tonight who have heard about the great service here.” She nodded to the two women who were with her.

In this light they all appeared to be in their late 20’s. Not the sort who’d have to resort to this, but what they wanted was control, the sense of power that came from buying what they wanted when they wanted. He understood that.

“There’s more where that came from especially if you can get him …” she eye-balled Dezum, one of the bartenders. “ … to join in. After work of course.”

“I’m flattered but I could lose my job.”

“Didn’t seem to bother you and Gemma, did it?”

He cleared their table and went over to Dezum, gave him the twist. “A tip from the gals at 12. They asked for your black ass in partic’lar.”

Dex looked over and women waved to him.

“Tempting.” Dezum chuckled.

“Fend for yourself.”

Alex took a tray of drinks to another table. He saw Dezum go over to thank the ladies personally and could hear his deep laugh as he joked with him.

Normally this was an offer he’d accept but tonight it was more amusing than appealing.

The head of his cock twitched as he recalled it sliding along Harris stomach. The seemingly endless smoothness of it. Like a pussy without lips but friction. To fuck that flesh without a safe. To know he could shoot off and not have to worry if it was too soon or if some broad had an orgasm herself. Not to have to prove his manliness by pleasing her. To shoot off and not worry about getting her knocked up.

Then there was the feel of Harris’s legs clamped around his. Strong muscular legs that Alex wasn’t afraid of bruising or breaking as he humped harder than he’d humped before. Without needing to be delicate here, hard there. One solid endless thrust.

If that was gay sex then he dug it. Sex without penetration. How fucked was that. He was glad his apron covered the boner he had developed.

The night went quickly. Twice he gently but firmly declined the party and play offer from the women who had made the generous offer. At the end of the night he assured them they be well pleased with Dezum and Hassler the two barman who had agreed to ‘see them home safely.’

Riding his bike home he replayed his tumble with Harris. Harris never surrendered but didn’t resist all that much either. The pulse of his coming was clear in his mind. The thrill of it building, his rearing up to give it room to explode, the feel of Harris’s cock as it bumped against his balls. The panic when he felt it touching his butt threatening to go up his ass. No way that was in the picture. No way.

His cock up Harris’s big round ass, maybe, but never the other way around.

Yet that panic, the fear of the pain of being fucked in the ass give his orgasm an endless thrust that he had shot off twice. Twice! Who knew men could have multiple orgasms.

He was hard when he stored his bike between the houses.

As vivid as his memory of his orgasm was and how clear the feel of his cock against Harris’s stomach was, he couldn’t recall what Harris’s cock looked like. Had he seen it? Sure he had played with it through the barrier of clothing but he hadn’t handled it. The accidental brush of it against his asshole didn’t count as touching.

If he hadn’t touched a cock, or had his handled by a man, he couldn’t be queer. He was another oversexed guy who didn’t care how he got off. Right?

*42*

The last time his mother called to say she had a surprise it was that his folks were going to Florida for the winter.

“What would Sunday brunch be without a surprise of my own.” He gave her a selection of the face cream samples that SofSknX had sent to dE.tail. They had sent enough for a staff of twenty.

“Thank you Harris.”

“Morning Dad.” He and his Dad exchanged quick shoulder hugs. “I’ve read the Tobias pages a few times. He fell under the spell but never knew it.”

“I know. I know. But we do have a surprise for you.”

“I’m all ears.”

“It’s upstairs. In your room.” His Dad grinned.

They followed him as he went up the stairs.

“You mean you’ve finally remodelled it? About time.”

He opened the door and crossed legged on the floor was a young man reading one of Harris comic books, with dozens of them strewn all around him. Harris felt he had stepped through a time warp and walked in on himself twenty years ago.

“Hi. Cool collection.” The young man stood quickly, careful not to step on any of the comic books. “You must be Harris. I’m Marshall Caldwell.”

They looked one another up and down. Harris was wishing he had worn less comfortable clothes. Their eyes met.

“You are my father!”
“Oh yeah. I’m your father Luke.” He laughed. Without seeing paternity results Harris knew in his bones that this was his son. Son! He sat on the bed.

“We’ll leave you two to get acquainted. Come on Tom you can help in the kitchen. If you promise to stay out of the way.” His mother pushed his Dad out of the room and shut the door.

“How long … when did you find … cripes I don’t know what to say or where to begin. There are loads of questions in my head. Like how old are you? I’m trying to do the math here.”

“Thirty-three. You’re …”

“Nineteen in a month. which made you ….

“Almost fourteen.” Harris shrugged. How much did Marshall know about the curse?

“Wow. You were hitting it pretty young.”

“I guess. Not that I have much memory of it.” He began to put the Black Boxer Boys set back into their protective plastic sleeves.

“You too? Must run in the family.” He handed Harris the Slap Shott he had been reading.

Harris flipped through it. He loved the big double finish of it where Shott hit the mind eraser into the open mouth-like spaceship bay of the aliens who had sent it to Earth while saying ‘Return to sender.’ On the next page was the aliens’ space craft blowing up.

“What do you mean?”

“My mother calls it acting out. I’d been caught with my pants down more than few times at school. Incorrigible is what the teachers called it. But I never could remember what I had done. What’s up with that? She sent me to a shrink.”

Can’t wait to read the whole thing? order the PDF for $5.00 – paypal.me/TOpoet – say you want Kiss

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Only Entitlement

samprules2

Started a new set of prompts – I love lists of things – this one will prove to be endlessly productive for another couple of years – 227 Rules For Monks. Who knew the simple life could be so complex. These are from the 30 nissaggiyas. This is where #15 took me Not to make a new carpet without adding a part of the old one.

Only Entitlement

I have no heritage

only entitlement

that tries to tell me

that to weave a life of meaning

it is okay

to appropriate anything

that catches my eye

especially

if it means nothing to me

it can give meaning to me

I’ll redefine my self

no not redefine

because as it stands now

I have no meaning

no self

outside of a cultural context

of entitlement

which tells me that even though

I am a nobody

it is better that than being

anything else

the music I listen to

the clothes I wear

reflect a world around me

I am merely walking though

other cultures

are like zoo exhibits

art installations

to amuse me

to divert me

from the fact that

I have no heritage

no backstory or ancestral struggles

other than the banal

war for control

money oil sex religion

chains to hold people down

not to free them to become

more than entitlement

scraps of pasts

presents

arbitrarily clumped together

for momentary comfort

who cares about heritage

as long we are comfortable

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Everly After

I had the Everly Brothers biggest hits lp. I was never a fan but I did like a couple of those tracks for melodramatic reasons: ‘Crying In The Rain’ is hard to resist. What I didn’t realize then was that the collection were re-recordings for the most part. The original tapes lost in a studio fire. I remember their TV show being fun. But their sound was just too country for me to really make me a fan.

When Warner Archives released a two cd set of those hits with the original, now found, recordings I was happy to add it to my collection. They were a duo trapped by their genre – young enough to want to become more hip they weren’t encouraged to do so. Tight harmonies, songs of teen angsty romance or longing for farm grown purity. Perish the thought that they might want to do a song about the war in Nam.

I have vague memories of their TV show – similar to Smothers Brothers, Sonny & Cher – songs, sketches but with a more country feel – not as cornpone as Hee-Haw. I should check YouTube to see if any episodes of it have been uploaded. They were good clean American boy-next-door – who like most too-young for fame went through booze, drugs, solo careers & opted to step back from the limelight for awhile satisfied with what they had done. Their last studio lp was in 1988.

Near them on the shelf are a pair of Cesarea Evora CD’s: Cesarea, Cabo Verde – another of those rich, warm, evocative world music voices out of Africa. She sings in Portuguese, French, various native languages as well. Like Mercedes Sosa – it is the emotional quality of the voice that draws me in – I have read English translations of the songs – they’re about love of the land, loss of love, the discovery of love. Discover her & you’ll be grateful for it.

Sacrifice

Mike peered down from the outcrop over the clearing. If he hadn’t stopped sharp his next step would have taken him over and down a twenty foot drop into the crowd below.

Drums played. Pounded.

People – men women moved in intricate patterns stepping along a series of patterns marked with bluish stones on the ground. A foot would touch each point and the person would spin, hands raised and head lowered, spin and move on to the next stone.

As he watched the motion began to form into something he recognized. The slither of a giant snake, a human snake sliding and slipping endlessly over the clearing.

He could hear some vocal sounds come up but not distinctly enough for him to tell if it was words or just a chant. He would have laid on the ground to get closer but the outcrop was hemmed in by thick trees. He felt his sweat trickle down his back. Insects fluttered past him.

The drums became faster.

At the tip, what he guessed was the mouth of the serpent, was a fire. Peering he saw three figures step out from the ripple of people. The ripple stopped. The central figure was Robert! He was sure it was Robert. The flicker of flames made the face hard to see clearly but the body movements and shape was unmistakable.

The drumming stopped. The came the voice:

‘We have gathered here for this moment.’

The voice was Robert’s. Without the drums he could hear.

‘This is the season of sacrifice

the night of plenty and innocence

and we call here

the three red stars

the snake of green kind giving

we call

and he replies

we know he will reply

he will bring us all

he will accept this sacrifice.”

Two women brought forth a goat. It kicked and bleated. They stopped before Robert and held it still. Two men joined them and they turned the goat over so the soft stomach was exposed. A silver knife flashed in Robert’s hand as he held it high above his head.

‘Sister moon

father star

we present this small gift

this hint of what is to be given

in return

for what you have to give to us.’

Mike felt hands on his back. A shove and he fell forward.

The drums started.

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Don’t Smile

samprules2

Started a new set of prompts – I love lists of things – this one will prove to be endlessly productive for another couple of years – 227 Rules For Monks. This is the second of the 2 aniyatas. 2. Not to be found alone with a woman in an isolated place that can arise suspicions about conversations on lustful subjects.

Don’t Smile

the camera will stay on

it’s for your protection

people will talk

they will question your motivation

they will question my lack of interest

I never meet alone with anyone

no it’s not being broadcast live

on YouTube Facebook

 

the camera will stay on

you’ll get used to it quickly

you don’t even see it do you

we’ve learned how to be discreet

we have nothing to hide

do we

this is to maintain transparency

so our being together

can’t be misunderstood

even by one another

I don’t want to face a charge

of sexual harassment

or guilt by association

 

the camera will remain on

it is always on

there is one where ever I go

I have no faith in people

everyone is eager to misunderstand

any innocent cue

have a nice day

becomes an insult

to someone’s sense of propriety

so this is being documented

to assure each of us of legal protection

there will be no grounds

for doubt for equivocation

 

the camera will remain on

don’t even smile

yes I know it’s sad

this is the state we have come to

privacy is only for those

who have something to hide

and we have nothing to hide

not even from each other

are you ready

for what may become

your mug shot

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#Chicago #Revolution

I remember how revolutionary the band Chicago was when it first hit the airwaves. A double album to top it off, with that exciting (but now seemingly endless) Free Form Guitar noodle. Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is quickly became a joke meme as opposed to the deeply probing philosophic lyric it intended to be.

8furniture01I did love that first album – the actual crowd chant ‘the whole world is watching’ from give it a real sense of political activism & counter culture cache. The horns were energizing, the singing was masculine & the covers song were fun. Nearly every band covered I’m A Man.8furniture02Chicago I is loose & adventurous in ways Blood, Sweat & Tears (the other horn band of the time) never was. Chicago II is quite different. Slicker & artier: with a Ballet suite & the 4 movement piece. They shift to a more m.o.r pop sound. People who dug that first lp were disappointed in this one. I loved it though. Fancy Colours is a great, happy song with sweet wah-wah work.8furniture03I have these first 2 as stand alone’s. Both searched  out in early 2000’s when I was rebuilding my past via CD. I later sought out Chicago III – the last of their double albums. It’s part of an mp3 collection along with work by Traffic, CSNY. III become less horn & more guitar. No long suites of songs but solid writing but by this point they weren’t breaking new ground & some tracks felt more like fillers so they could squeeze out yet another double lp.8furniture04At one time I had their live box set – five lps, or was it six, of nearly note for note reproductions of their studio work. It seemed to go on forever & I finally gave it away. They needed to develop beyond their initial sound to really hold my interest. Rather becoming adventerous they became banal. Finding new ways of printing the Chicago logo on their covers wasn’t enough. But those first 2 recordings are fine.

sample

Casuality

‘Far be it from me to point this out but, Mr. Palmer, your opinion of Kant will not be the revelation you seem to think it is.’

‘Have it your way, Mr. Green, but the way to a man’s intellect will always be through the bottle and no other way.’

‘Indeed, Mr. P indeed. Shall I pour or shall you?’

‘Why bother pouring at all, my friend.’ Mr. Palmer tipped the bottle and took two eye stinging gulps from it. He wiped it and passed over to Mr Green.

‘Ah, yes, nothing like sweet simplicity.’

‘Yes, the more simple one keeps one’s exterior world the easier it is to support the complex philosophic structures that our intellects need.’

The sun broke through the leafy canopy of the tree over the bench the two men sat on. Both shaded their eyes at the same time.

‘Now as I was saying. Kant may have missed the point but he was certainly moving in the right direction. That being isn’t necessarily the result of events but of actions.’

‘Tut tut Mr. P I doubt if that was Kant’s intention in any way shape or form. He was more inclined to feel, and in this I have to concur, that being is just as often the result of events outside the individual consciousness as it is to be from else where. May I?’

‘Of course.’ Mr. Palmer handed the bottle back to Mr. Green. Both drank deep with great satisfaction.

‘You seem content to elide over Sartre and Nietzsche.’

‘Those useless faggots.’

‘Ha ha.’

‘Ha ha.’

‘But isn’t that also the result of forces outside their individuation.’

‘Now your are getting Freudian on me.’

‘No! But sometimes a drink is just a drink.’ He emptied the bottle. ‘I do hope there is another.’

‘Ask and ye shall receive.’ Mr. Green pulled another bottle of  amber liquid from inside his dingy overcoat. ‘One must always be prepared for what it takes to hew new paths in the road of thought.’

‘No matter who the casualty might  be.’

‘Right ho. Now join me in a libation before we fix our bayonets for the next attack.’

‘Thank you. Don’t mind if I do.’ Mr. Palmer drank deep. A shudder ran through his arms and hands. ‘Not our usual intoxicant?’

‘Sadly no. The outside forces have seen fit to provide only this.’

‘Ah, welfare cut you back again?’

‘No the old lady wanted money for the kids.’

‘Too bad you hadn’t considered that when you plunged into the flesh my friend.’

‘What’s a man to do.’

‘Sublimate. Channel that fierce energy into the intellect. It is falling into the flesh that has been the downfall of all.’

‘Yes but isn’t that the innate urge God has instilled in all of us?’

‘God! Why man I thought we rationalized God out of the equation yesterday?’

‘So we did. So where does that leave us.’

‘Fucked if I care. Pass me the goddamn bottle.’

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wanted vs. deserved vs. got

1black01Another of Deliciously Disabled’s recent podcasts that resonated with me dealt with ‘the sex I thought & wanted, deserved, got.’ Andrew talked about how much of his sexual expectation & fantasy was based on queer porn in which guys got down to it asap. Minimal conversation, if any at all, fast & eager – messy details edited out: putting on condoms, lubing up usually off screen. Guys who can stay hard constantly, fuck, get fucked for ages without coming. He was dismayed to realize that most porn is not instruction video.1black02Because he wasn’t the abled guys in porn he felt he’d have to accept whatever opportunity was viable for him, even if it wasn’t something he wanted to do. One doesn’t have to be disabled to get caught in that sense of ‘this is better than nothing.’ Not having a huge cock like those porn guys seems to mean that the the bigger dick guy gets to dictate what happens & you better like it or he’ll move on to someone who will be grateful for his powerful pecker. Even he opts to be the bottom.1greendeskFor me this also enters into sexual self-image. If one doesn’t have the photogenic equipment: dick, abs, youth, body hair that captures the camera eye then one isn’t deserving of those who do. All too often I see ‘like seeks like’ in on-line profiles: ‘fit only’ ‘over X inches only’ ‘none over XX years’ – men seeking to replicate those porn images.1purpleNot that I don’t have my own likes but they don’t dictate what I enjoy. I know that porn is edited. These guys take breaks to change camera angles, get hydrated enough to keep going, sometimes even a stunt cock will step in for those important close ups.  For more on this see my previous post Porn Has Ruined My Sex Life.

The sex I deserve isn’t about body parts.samp03Imagination

a shimmer of words

dialogue of needs

wants fantasy

woven from distorted fragments

of a culture of control

told what to dream

body operations attainable

via starvation

dedicated time sacrifice in gyms

eyeing one another’s progress

our image never living up to theirs

or our expectations of the perfect

perfect being that fantasy

striving pushing

told that not to dream that dream

results in defect

less than

undesirable

undeserving

worth only what we look at good as

stay at that ideal age weight

drift outside those parameters

at one’s peril

 

to have the goal is one thing

to live only for the dream

is another

limiting opportunity

closing other doors

that don’t fit the concept

woven from those

distorting fragments from movies tv

songs of ultimate romance

being the only authentic romance

 

to dream the possible dream

is to be delusion hopeless

to dream the impossible

is to be unsatisfied

always striving for the more

we feel compelled to have

to prove to someone

to ourselves

that we are intact

in fact beyond perfect

mere flesh and blood

happy only in imagination

money

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The Killer In The Morning

lament

The Killer In The Morning

with a shout

the killer awoke from a dream

someone smothering him

a pillow over his face

 

heʼd never use a pillow

or anything that hid the face

the best part of the kill

was in the eyes

that

I canʼt believe you are doing this

combined with the actual pain

as his hands crushed

the wind pipe

squeezing

hollow bones in his strong hands

he could crush an apple

the hardest granny smith

heʼd hold it up

so juice splashed his face

like a warm summer shower

cleaned and ready

 

the killer sat

at his kitchen table

looked out at the sunny day

at people on their way to death

death at his hands

maybe not right now

but soon sooner than they expect

at least one of them would die today

he knew that

the knowledge armed him

gave him power

gave him a reason to live

to be there amongst them

each of them ripe for his desires

 

the headlines no longer cowed

them they had little fear

a killing a day

the papers screamed

who will be next

the tv clatter box went on and on

flashed from his latest victim

to breakfast cereals

that would help you lose weight

ha he laughed to himself

I have a program

thatʼll give you a permanent weight loss

donʼt bother calling

Iʼll find you today

it is a good day to diebed01It was challenging to step into this character’s mind without seeing to judge or enjoy him. Because so many people think what you write is a part of who you are, when I’ve performed these I have to assure people they are totally fiction. I have a strong sense of the macabre but I am not a homicidal homo:-)bed02I worked on a tone of rationality as opposed to one of  blind rage. The ‘in the eyes’ ties this to the previous piece. The thought process follows a logical sequence in a way that I hope the reader, listener understands & feels bit squeamish for that understanding. I also play with paradox – being clean & ready as the result of crushing the apple, the rushing of the throat.bed03One of the theories of writing good villains is to give them a sense they feel they are doing the right thing as opposed to feeling they are evil. I add just enough narrative detail to move the story forward – the headlines about him show he’s killed before.

It also reflects how we as consumers of crime entertainment become numbed by the fast  frequency of it. Oh another mass murder in the USA, what else is on, CSI? Midsummer Murders. We don’t even care if there are real deaths anymore. It’s all entertainment.bedo4It ends with the killer’s sense of purpose & his wry sense of humour. The weight loss stuff is so blackly funny I love reading it – it both humanizes & demonizes the killer’s p.o.v in a way that I hope makes him chillingly real.soon

April 19: judging: Hot Damn! It’s A Queer Slam Season 2 finale: 8 p.m. : Buddies In Bad Times Theatre – 12 Alexander St., Toronto, Ontario

hot

Hot Damn!

June 3-5: attending: Capturing Fire 2016 – The DC Centre – 2000 14th St NW, Suite 105 – Washington, DC

nufire

https://www.facebook.com/capturingfire/

June 11 – attending: The Toronto Poetry Talks – 10 AM – Metro Hall, 55 John Street, Toronto, Ontario M5V 3C6

poetrytalk

https://www.facebook.com/events/147955055574679/

July 4-8: attending: Chasing  your Tale – Loyalist – Belleville

loy16

I’ve already registered

https://www.facebook.com/events/1511340829175762/

loyalistfocus.com

September 1-4: attending FanExpo 2016 (I’ve already registered)expo16

https://www.facebook.com/fanexpocanada/?fref=ts

November 1 – 30 Participating NaNoWriMo

nanobullseye

http://nanowrimo.org/

money

Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

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cozy bed at Loyalist

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wrestwk4

West Side Racconti

Bentzon/Bernstein

Next on the classical shelf are two delightful but diametrically opposed 20th century classical (or maybe classical) stand alones.mirror01First is Jorgen Bentzon’s Racconti. Bentzon is a Danish composer & I had never heard of him until I picked this cd up at HMV. They had a rack of, or perhaps it was a bin, of cds marked at 3 for $10. I picked this up in Jan 2005, probably used an HMV gift card I’d gotten for Christmas.mirror02I glanced at the instruments: various combinations of flute, bassoon, violins and other instruments & decided to take a chance on it. I was fearful it would atonal droning but in fact it is very playful, lyrical and sweet. Chamber music that is adventurous without verging on jazz. I love it.mirror03Next to it a cd of Leonard Bernstein. I opted to file this under classical though the music is his Broadway or film work given a symphonic treatment. He considered himself a ‘serious’ composer & I do have his non-show stuff somewhere but it is more dour than classical.mirror04I picked it up in October 95 at Sam’s for $1.99 or perhaps just .99 from a stack by the register ripe for compulsive shoppers like myself. It includes ballet suites from West Side Story & On The Waterfront. Like Gershwin I’m never sure where to slot him. Though, thanks to his work as a conductor, Bernstein is more at home in the classical collection.sample

Healing

A slight breeze moved the lace curtains. Chip looked into the empty room. He looked into the room every morning to check, to see, if his sister was home, back from wherever it was they had taken her.

He had already promised not to be noisy ever again, not to make fun of her, not to bother her when she was on the phone, not to sneak up on her when her friends where there and they were just giggling and talking about things he didn’t understand. He had made all those promises.

He slipped into her room. The bed was so pink it seemed to float in the morning sun. Her teddy bears and bean bag frogs were arranged around the pillow. All that was missing was her. She wasn’t there this morning. He hadn’t made the right promise

He got down on his knees by the bed and put his hands together. “God this is Chip. Please I am sorry for whatever it was that I did that made you mad at Kelly. I know she isn’t the best sister in the world but she’s the only one I got and please make her well and bring her home to me. I promise I’ll eat all my vegetables and that I’ll never tease the O’Brian’s dog ever again if you make Kelly well again.”

It was over a month since he had last seen Kelly. She had gone to school one day and not come back. His Dad told him she had caught something at school and would be in the hospital for a while. It was something so bad that he couldn’t take Chip to see her.

Some other kids at the school had also caught what ever it was. Some sort of outbreak. It had been on television but his mother turned it off before he could find out just what it was. Even the papers had headline about it. Something called sniper.

He figured sniper was something like the flu only worse because it could get so many at once and scare everyone at the same time. Police helicopters had flown over the house all day when the outbreak happened at the high school.

His mom was so sad. She had cried for Kelly and for the other kids who had come down with sniper flu. He had tried to stop her tears but she just pushed him aside and then held him close. He didn’t understand. But he knew that if he was good enough three-year-old Kelly would come home soon. She would be all better. Better than ever and would be glad to see him and tell him all about the healing at the hospital.

He would have liked to visit the hospital but he folks wouldn’t take him there. He got to see it on TV. He had run around the house with the bean bag frog saying ‘stat stat’ till his Mom had grabbed it from him.

Now he was sorry he had done that. He wanted to tell Kelly how sorry he was then maybe she’d feel better too. Once she felt better she would be home again. That’s all he wanted. His sister back where she belonged.

soon

April 19: judging: Hot Damn! It’s A Queer Slam Season 2 finale: 8 p.m. : Buddies In Bad Times Theatre – 12 Alexander St., Toronto, Ontario

hot

Hot Damn!

June 3-5: attending: Capturing Fire 2016 – The DC Centre – 2000 14th St NW, Suite 105 – Washington, DC

nufire

https://www.facebook.com/capturingfire/

June 11 – attending: The Toronto Poetry Talks – 10 AM – Metro Hall, 55 John Street, Toronto, Ontario M5V 3C6

poetrytalk

https://www.facebook.com/events/147955055574679/

September 1-4: attending FanExpo 2016 (I’ve already registered)expo16

https://www.facebook.com/fanexpocanada/?fref=ts

November 1 – 30 Participating NaNoWriMo

nanobullseye

http://nanowrimo.org/

money

Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblr

mirror

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Loose Cannons & Landmines

The Hot Damn! last chance slam filled the Supermarket to SRO! As the show persists (we’re queer, we’re here & we’re not going away) the range of work has become wider & the writing/performances stronger. The pieces tackled rape, physical abuse, racial expectations, pan sexuality, binary constrictions, family disfunction & food. Despite the complex emotional issues presented Cathy Petch kept the mood from descending into a pity slam with her positive and fun introductions, with the wild assortment of prizes. Who isn’t cheered up by ceramic poodles?5pink1A flurry of lines from the first open stagers & slammers: more glimpsed than looked at – it’s just a compliment – whistle while you work-out – harassment is not a compliment – when she looks at me all she sees is him – the way to be heard is to be lighter (skinned) – how do you fix someone who doesn’t know they’re broken – bodies we didn’t want to be, lying beside each other – try to hide the fact they were ever broken – neither wants our hands to turn into his hands – moans that taste like wine – the tender of my lover’s nakedness – I am more than what you see – I am not a doctor, I am amused.5pink2Main feature ‘The Ragdolls’ did an emotionally compelling, relaxed and well thought-out set that flowed from stark confrontational to warm supportive political commentary. Starting with patty-cake handclap game rhythm they traded the spot light with each other & shared it too. I particularly enjoyed the Toronto Pride piece that ruthless & humorously laid bare the corporate assimilation of queer identity.5pink3A dash of lines from the Ragdolls: Ken & Barbie scraped clean – dried blood on the swing set – revlon porcupine – trauma isn’t our only history – alcohol is a thumb that blurs all the lines in your head – can’t excuse the facts while I’m still filling in the blanks – grindr is a safe place for racists – gay flags in banks that ask for gender verification – do we want justice or want same sex couples in McDonalds ads – I have to remind myself why others do this – trying to get you to let me off with a warning again – you are a loose cannon & I am a landmine – pre-bred to please adults – the white I was raised to be to the brown I grow up to be – we spend more time with therapists than with friends. (This post’s title is from a piece by Londzo Drury)5tanA flurry of lines from the second set of open stagers & slammers: midnight texts that said ‘You wanted this’ – students you added to your kill list – if your pussy is intact so is your consent – a cold dark shadow that consumes me – we were were the only ones who could figure out who we were – a candle above your grave so you could find your way while I lost mine – studying history hoping that learning the past would change mine – basing my happiness on others’ presentations – putting the pan in pan sexual – polyamory creates culinary masterpieces – still a war raging inside – lover is just another scar I have to disguise – a man who has to break me just to get me is not worth me – are you lactose intolerant because you can’t handle all this chocolate – loath your fingers for calling him after he’s gone – more his daughter than your sister – bruises like a favourite sweater than can’t keep you warm.5eagleA winner was declared. Who? Well, you’ll have check out the Hot Damn! page for that info 🙂 The season 2 finale, at Buddies in Bad Times, on April 19 will feature Siaara Freeman and T. Miller. The winner of this slam gets (amongst other things) a trip to Washington DC to compete at Capturing Fire in June.samples

Different Men

one day in grade school

sunshine on the blackboard

reflected rosy on

Graham’s sudden bare belly

scratched absent minded

before my wide eyes

he pulls up his striped t-shirt

rubs that belly

firm round more pink than white

more flesh than boy

more glimpsed than looked at

 

erasers chalk dust clapped clouds

furnace rooms boilers

pieces of jumbled recollection

the heavy books of knowledge

that were better to sit on than to read

easier to refer to than to study

that didn’t show much

that wasn’t to be seen

their images of the future

30’s stream lined

50’s under lined

60’s dismissed

we never did get cars that fly

anti-gravity boots

I never got to see more of Graham

than that scratch of belly one day

while we waited for Mrs Melinosh

to handed out tests

she reminded me

to pay attention young man

yes ma’am

 

I was certainly paying attention

but I didn’t understand what that attention was

what was it that belly told me then

[between the shadows falls the foreskin?]

 

that school was at the bottom of the hill

too steep to climb in winter

too icy

my Dad would be there sometimes

to drive me home

 

happy to have him

pick me and take me home

up that hard slippery slope

that my memory is quick to slide down

I would rattle on about things

I told about arithmetic spelling

my lack of attention

but not about that belly

still seeing that t-shirt ride up

that freckle face smile

red haired boy

 

the drive was because we had moved

a new school was to start soon

closer

with newer problems for me

lack of attention

my eyes would wander out the window

at the squeak of chalk

my mind would get fuzzy

as division got longer and longer

the days got colder and colder

the boys got meaner and meaner

 

I find myself now decades later

still as unsure of those lessons

but positive about the image

the belly’s inexpressible tease

I knew wasn’t for my Dad’s ears

that told me for the first time

my Dad and I were different men

soon1

April 19: judging: Hot Damn! It’s A Queer Slam Season 2 finale: 8 p.m. : Buddies In Bad Times Theatre – 12 Alexander St., Toronto, Ontario

hot

Hot Damn!

June 3-5: attending: Capturing Fire 2016 – The DC Centre – 2000 14th St NW, Suite 105 – Washington, DC

nufire

https://www.facebook.com/capturingfire/

June 11 – attending: The Toronto Poetry Talks – 10 AM – Metro Hall, 55 John Street, Toronto, Ontario M5V 3C6

poetrytalk

https://www.facebook.com/events/147955055574679/

July 4-8: attending: Chasing  your Tale – Loyalist – Belleville

loy16

I’ve already registered

https://www.facebook.com/events/1511340829175762/

loyalistfocus.com

September 1-4: attending FanExpo 2016 (I’ve already registered)expo16

https://www.facebook.com/fanexpocanada/?fref=ts

November 1 – 30 Participating NaNoWriMo

nanobullseye

http://nanowrimo.org/

money

Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblr

dolls

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/topoet