A Nod To The Numb

A Nod To The Numb

in the club

the music was so loud

it nodded your head for you

it was like walking into

a room of parrots

each head bobbing


men moved

from perch to perch

eyes dart for eyes to lock on to

conversation was nearly impossible

to shout

made what was said

sound either angry

or desperate


with every nod of the head

it was hard to tell

what the response was 

meant to signal

yeah let’s go

or get lost


I left the cage


by any of these

nodding acquaintances

Yes this is based on real experience. One that I repeated more times than I care to recall. I know many gay men went though, & still go through, this conundrum though the venue has pretty much changed from the club to the internet. I know of men who get trapped in the endless scroll & hunt through apps in search for the elusive.

Businesses built on hope will fail if they fulfill that hope. As long as customers hope to get lucky they stick around & drink. The sooner they get lucky the sooner they leave. I can remember going out to my favourite – no not favourite but – well I’m not sure what to call the gay dance club I frequented the most often – getting dressed, picking the right jeans, t-shirt. Juggling the right time to arrive & leaving sweaty from dance & reeking of smoke in the morning. On line one does have some control over the music & how loud it is.

At least on line there is no last call rush to connect 🙂 Usually no icky slippery bathroom floors either. Pictures on line often represent the profile one clicks on, but just as often they are photoshop fantasy or ten years old or etc. Even in person one may not being getting what one sees. Bar lighting is designed to hide not accentuate. There is also the distortion of booze goggles. lol.

Starting next Wednesday & for the next several weeks I’ll be giving the Monks a rest. I’ll be doing a series of Summer Reflections in which I ponder some of the shallower mysteries of life.

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The Best

‘you will be my third today’

he was proud of his virility

‘I save the best for last’

I wasn’t interested in being his best

‘you have a nice ass’


not that I thought he was

anything more than a fun fuck

but to hear of his conquests

wasn’t arousing me


we’d met on line

he was a 30 something

whose nickname was blktop4u

blk meaning black

it started with him messaging me

I had glanced at his profile 

even though there was no pic

it laid out the facts honestly

the first time we hooked up

I didn’t expect him to show

but he did

he was as he claimed to be

though his profile 

didn’t say he needed to fuck

three times a day


that fact didn’t come out for a year

we’d meet every month or so

I’d hear about his background 

but he was so fearful of identity theft 

we could only make contact

via the dating site

no cell phone

no email


sometimes longish text chats

on the site

then he’d show up

as arranged 

until one day he didn’t 

he contacted me two days later

to explain

he’d had a better offer

in a deluxe condo


so my interest changed

next time we chatted

he was so keen to play

I declined

I declined another two times

then said sure come on over

but if you’re a no show

it’s a no go ever again


I began to discount 

everything he told me

there was no truth

in the shifting life of a man

who wouldn’t even tell me his name

things were okay until he told me

‘you will be my third today

I save the best for last’


I declined to be part of his body count

said no

he asked why

I replied

you can’t always get what you want

then blocked him

because he wasn’t the best

A poet friend of mine recently started a little discussion about pieces we’ve written but that we have chosen not to share for various reasons – such as – didn’t want to tigger listeners/readers, too emotionally revealing, too blunt & judgemental. For me this is one that I am tempted to hide away – or put in an envelope ‘to be opened twenty years after my death.’ Hidden because of the the racial content & also because of what it reveals about my sex life.



It’s also a piece about a backhanded compliment. When ‘he’ said I was the best I’m sure he didn’t realize what he was saying wasn’t heard as a compliment. For the most part this is a factual real life adventure. I’ve omitted a few details that didn’t add enough to the story. The dialogue is verbatim.



Because of his secrecy I was never interested in letting our interaction become more than physical. As time passed I became more ‘illusive’ as well. It takes more than sex to keep me interested. But he never asked for more than sex, either. never needed transit money etc. 


Then he made the mistake of telling me about his sex life. Now, I didn’t think he was a one man man nor did I expect him to be. I’m a realist. I didn’t trust all of what he told me most of the time but when he casually mentioned ‘my third today’ I believed him. I didn’t challenge him, what was the point after all we were merely FB with no strings. My reply is also verbatim. 


I have heard from him since – I guess that’s one of the rewards of being ‘the best.’ No thanks.

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he was bored

& looking for sex

as if sex was a solution

so far

nothing had lived up

to his expectations


his profile listed

his interests

it was like the index

to a gay sex manual

at nineteen

he wanted to try them all

while he was still young enough

to enjoy them all

before he was bored

by them all


what I hadn’t tried

of his endless index

had never appealed to me 

at any age

some I had tried a few times

decided no thanks

to exploring them again


we chatted a awhile

he liked my dick pic

he wanted an older guide

one who was opened minded

as it became clear

I had boundaries

he became bitter



not wanting to do

what he wanted to do

made me an ‘uptight old queen’

I wished him well

hoped he’d enjoy his explorations

added there were lots of men

ready to teach a nineteen year old

the ropes

but I wasn’t one of them

I signed off


his age wasn’t a big factor to me

but the index was

he’d have to learn

that just because 

there was some common ground

that didn’t mean all ground

was was common


he texted me a day later

he felt

because I wasn’t so eager

that I was someone he could trust

wouldn’t take advantage of him

I mentioned a few of the

items in his index

that would never happen with me

and he once again

tried to bargain


he asked why didn’t I trust him

after all he trusted me

I said it had nothing to do with trust

but lack of interest

the more insistent he became

the the more bored I became


so I texted

‘okay okay

let’s meet 

when and where’

he signed off


I haven’t from him since

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Objectify Me, Please

While listening to a recent Disability After Dark in which Andrew Gurza talks with ‘AJ’ Murray I appreciated their wish to be sexually objectified. Both have experienced enough respect for their minds, their ‘bravery’ that they like to be seen as a sex object. Having had enough men tell me they don’t like me ‘in that way’ I have wondered what it would be like to objectified as opposed to objected to 🙂

By objectified I don’t mean body part specific either – there are enough guys into just dick, or bubble butt ass while the only body part they are really into is their own dick or ass. Getting themselves off is what turns them on, not enjoying the other person’s body except as a come receptacle.

Until I passed 50 my sex life was fairly quiet. Opportunity was limited to bars which were geared to drinking, drugging & dancing. Dancing I could do but the other two were not a part of of my life. I wasn’t willing to hang out until 2 a.m. hoping for the best. Then along came the internet saving guys like me the need to on the prowl at 2 a.m. I could be on the search at 2 p.m, if chose to. I learned the lure of the picture, the power of the right camera angle.

I realize that I experience a social context distancing & not the literal physical disregard Andrew & AJ live with. One of the focal points of Andrew’s mission is to make people realize that everyone has sexual needs – that it is time to stop thinking disability neuters people. Dismissing those sexual needs as the least of the disables’ concerns, he wants to be seen & treated as fully human. Plus being as objectified as, say, Chris Hemsworth.

Memory Itch

he stopped  clouted the man beside him

I heard them swearing 

from across the street

I wanted to walk faster 

slower at the same time

to find out what the anger was about

before words could be made out

the smack flashed out

a back of the hand slap

with enough force to stagger the man hit

what the ….

He didn’t have time for reaction 

when he was hit again again

hitting back while falling to the sidewalk 

kicking up and out

people dodge around them

pissed at the nuisance

I wanted to go over   stop things

someone else stepped in

I’ll call the cops if you keep this up

go ahead buddy the one hit laughed 

go right ahead

why was he laughing

blood dribbling on his chin

someone had a cellphone 

were they calling or taking pictures

I kept going 

my hands fists in my coat pocket

darting looks on either side of me

strangers cold and determined

I longed to be one of these indifferent ones

but I wasn’t

their hands didn’t sting itch

with memory the way mine did



every Tuesday

June 8-9 – Capturing Fire 2018 – Washington D.C. (flight & hotel already booked)

September  or October TBA – The Art Bar, Free Times Cafe

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Not Tonight Dear

Not Tonight Dear

I didn’t enjoy it

I never have

but so many do

I had to try it

I thought it might be different

with him

when I said yes

let’s do it

it was no different

I didn’t enjoy it any more or less

that I ever have

I expected

that if I did it often enough

with the right guy

I’d start to like it

start to see why others did it

but it never got more pleasant

in fact

I began to dread it so much

I stopped doing anything

with anyone

I didn’t explain


I kept it to myself

it seemed pointless to be contradictory

to have to explain it to anyone

I thought it might be better

with him

it wasn’t

I kept that disappointment to myself

even tired to act as if

it was great

oh baby oh baby

he was fooled


I was happy to make him happy

looking forward to being together

yet dreading it at the same time

going through the motions

for the emotional pay off

My take on Law 38 reflects on people pleasing – things we do only to keep other people happy. Some of them are done out of politeness & have little emotional cost. Things like saying ‘good morning’ to a neighbour or asking someone how there are when in fact one doesn’t really care & often they feel it isn’t  any of your business how they feel anyway. We do this lock step of harmless courtesy that is more productive than being clearly indifferent or out right antagonistic.

When someone asks me how I’m doing I can’t even be bothered saying ‘ as you fucking cared!’ We all usually nod and say fine & go on or way. Do I enjoy those moments? Hard to say. But like many people I don’t have the energy or the inclination to challenge those harmless social niceties.

This piece does have a more sexual subtext though than mere social niceties. I know that for women for decades this sort of sexual cooperation for the good of the marriage has been a part of the bargain – putting their pleasure last – as if that made them more noble. Perish the notion they might impugn taxi masculinity’s sexual prowess.

I chat with, sometime meet with, guys who are into ‘things’ that don’t appeal that much to me but I’m willing to try – sometimes things that didn’t work with one guy work very nicely with another – often its a difference in attitude as opposed to technique. Also the speed at which things are expected comes into my willingness.

On the first date, as opposed to the fourth date – give me time to warm up to it – I’m a good communicator & let guys I meet know that directly – I’m not in bait & switch. Some this pieces comes from that sort of bait & switch. A guy says he’s a total top then after messing around becomes a power bottom who is pissed off at me for not going with this – not that I mind a power bottom but this switch is the off switch for me.

There are guys who try to ‘guilt’ you into things – someone, what are you afraid of, don’t you trust me, try it – because to many ‘no’ means negotiate & if you don’t negotiate you are a prude, no fun, not hot enough to begin with, or you should be grateful & give in as a way of thanking them for showing up.

If you are a top master dom who wants to train me as his sub & I say no thanks – it’s not because I am a closed minded prude but it’s because … well actually it’s none of his business why.

Like many of the Laws pieces this reflects some of me, but a past me who was eager for sexual experience & said yes to things & then realize ‘not for me.’  Saying ‘no’ doesn’t mean I have a closed mind but is not an invitation for negotiation either.

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Answer My Texts


Answer My Texts

you never answer my texts

he texts me

why not

he wants to be a friend

to know what I’m up to

one day the texts came so fast

he didn’t know

which one I was replying to

when in fact

I didn’t want to reply to any

it was a waste of my time

plus I hate texting & walking

it was none of his business

what I was up to

at any given moment

he wanted to made sure

I wasn’t having sex

when I wasn’t even having sex with him

he wanted to be my friend

I wasn’t sure why

we had little in common

other than being male

we’d met twice face to face

which was enough for me

and he built on that

even as I made it clear I wasn’t interested

after the flurry of texts

to set up that first meeting

I knew I wasn’t interested

I am not suspicious by nature

but I value my privacy

there is nothing worth discovering

no trade secrets

no best-seller plots to pirate

he wants something

I’m not sure what it is

but I’ll never text fast enough

to find out

28-toy01Law 14 brought to mind a piece based on an actual experience. My brush with one of the dangers of on line life – the stalker. A guy I might have developed more with if he hadn’t turned into a needy nut case so fast. It was the texting that put me off. Turns out his phone takes text dictation – hands free.

28-toy02The first meeting was okay too. One of those guys who are almost mute when they are face to face with someone. Not that I’m a chatter box but it was odd to meet someone who communicated best with a device. But I do see people texting each other when they are in the same room, at the same table – a generational thing. Plus he had a very thick accent so I understood the need to text.

He was presentable but man I don’t need or seek a text addicted guy who after meeting once starts to text me first thing in the morning. I call that a red flag. I’d delete his texts without reading them. I told him directly to stop & he said he would if we could meet again. Which we did. He didn’t knock at the door he texted that he was here 🙂

28-toy03I wrote recently about lack of chemistry & this was the case here – mainly because of his communication skills. I told him directly I wasn’t interested. He texted the next day, the day after. I found it weird. I wasn’t sure what he was after. He wanted friends, I didn’t, he wanted too much too fast & didn’t know how to go about getting it.



I eventually blocked him on line. His pose was one of wanting friends, a lover, but in reality he wanted a caretaker. I stopped responding. Telling him to stop was permission to him to ask why I wanted him to stop. I can be a nice guy but co-dependancy is not my thing.



January 3 – launch of Lazarus Kiss – here14257567_1162384753819933_3271661288579707843_o
on going 🙂 when new podcast are posted:  Disability after Dark  iTunes



my first local feature in over a year: location date TBA

it came in

April season 3 FINALS – Friday April 15th Buddies in Bad Times – early show – 7pm startgames


June 9-10-11: attending: Capturing Fire 2017 –



check out these poets from  Capturing Fire 2015 & 2016

August 31-Sept.3



November 1 – 30 Participating NaNoWriMo




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What Did That Man Want?

I continued that conversation with the guy who asked me what I wanted. My reply was that I was looking for opportunity, communication to see where things might lead – that I wasn’t looking for the ‘one’ but if that what was present I’d be interest.  I asked him what he was looking. He replied that we weren’t looking for the same thing.

wldlfparkette wild life

What that ‘thing’ was he didn’t say. It was clear that, like many guys, he didn’t really read my profile. Unlike many, I’m clear about what I want – the fact that he even asked was pretty much admitting he hadn’t read it. What I don’t say is that my ‘wants’ apply to first dates, as it were, more is possible if we get past that.

hassockhassock in the wild

One of the first things in my profile is my nearest intersection – so guys know where I’m at. If they ask what area I live in that usually ends my interest. If they ask if I’m into any number of things not on my profile I figure that haven’t read it and there goes my interest too.

wildlifeeast end wild life

Some find it hard to believe I don’t do drugs, other than coffee, or drink. If things get to the point where I send them my youtube links I often never hear back from them. Poet in theory is interesting but in actuality scares ’em off.

I think this man wanted a reason to move out of Buttstink, Newfoundland – as if being stuck there wasn’t reason enough.


Personality profile test 534

Where you you rather go:

1. to the store

2. to the mall

3. to New York to see the Producers

4. to Easter Island

Would you rather:

1. roller skate

2. roller blade

3. ski

4. sky dive

Would you rather wear:

1. Donna Karen

2. Hugo Boss

3. Coco Chanel

4. Christian Dior

Would you rather eat at:

1. McDonald’s

2. Harvey’s

3. Wendy’s

4. Denny’s

Would you rather drink:

1. Scotch

2. Draft beer

3. Red wine

4. Soda water

Would you rather have sex with:

1. A woman

2. A man

3. A man and a woman

4. Yourself

Would you rather have a threesome with:

1. A stranger

2. Your partner

3. Your next-door neighbour

4. the co-host of the Sex Wars

Do you have a craving for:

1. Chocolate

2. Attention

3. Affection

4. A roof over your head

Would you rather:

1. Listen

2. Tell others what to do

3. Follow the lead of others

4. Drop dead

Which shoe would you prefer:

1. Converse runners

2. Six inch stilettos

3. Mary Janes

4. Doc Martins

Would you rather dance:

1. The tango

2. In a ballet

3. On a lap

4. Alone in the moonlight

Have you ever cast a spell for:

1. Love

2. Money

3. Revenge

4. Power

How do you get to work:

1. Public transit

2. Bicycle

3. Car

4. Helicopter

Are you more like:

1. James Bond

2. Don Rickles

3. Eva Gabor

4. Mother Teresa

Where would you hide the body:

1. Under the bed

2. In a closet

3. In the attic

4. on a deserted island

Which would you save first

1. Money

2. A sick puppy

3. A drowning baby

4. Your relationship

What do you look forward to the most:

1. reading a good book

2. working in the garden

3. impressing people

4. helping the homeless

Do you have in your home:

1. A washer drier

2. A fully stocked bar

3. A work-out station

4. A four car garage

Which do you see life as being:

1. Hopeless

2. Worthless

3. Pointless

4. Endless

Do people see you as:

1. Full of it

2. Cruel

3. Miserly

4. Pushy

Which do you see yourself as:

1. Bossy

2. Cold

3. Indifferent

4. Smug

What color would you paint a room:

1. Midnight black

2. Blank white

3. Tedious blue

4. Timid beige

When you hear the word love do you think:

1. Trapped

2. Opportunity

3. Dead end

4. Sacrifice

Which would you rather cook:

1. Cornish game hens with fresh mushroom stuffing

2. Sole almondine

3. Stuffed red and green peppers

4. Rodents

Where would you hide:

1. Under the bed

2. In a closet

3. In the attic

4. on a deserted island

lostwild life on my roof 

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