Something’s Different

March of this year in March I decided to up-grade my glasses – new frames, new prescription. Not a big deal, or so I thought, until I got a few compliments from strangers. By now they are old, to me, yet this past week someone, whom I have known long enough & also whom I have seen several times since the up-grade said ‘something’s different. are those new glasses?’ I replied, ‘they’re the same ones I had on the last time we talked.’

That’s the kind of change I like – one that is subtle. The drama of the big change – I’ll shave my head – no longer appeals to me. When I first shaved my head it was a startling change alright, nothing gradual about it. People started to treat me differently – I had become butch overnight 🙂

I prefer the gradual change. I’ve blogged about some of this before – getting up earlier by setting my alarm 2 minutes earlier every couple of months so I now have an extra 14 minutes to avoid writing every day. Besides if nothing changes nothing changes. So the past few months I’ve been reducing distractions. Most are harmless except that they are distractions.

Some have been hard to do though. Cutting way back on the podcasts I listen to for one. As much as I enjoy them I decided I don’t need the information & subscribing merely to be supportive isn’t enough for me. Why support people who don’t really support me? One podcast was as much about what the hosts were drinking as what they were supposedly talking about. No thanks. Plus less energy goes into downloading & then uploading to my iPod to listen o them. 

On the east coast I only used my iPod for meditation & relaxation in flight or in my hotel room. You know I didn’t miss it on my daily walks. I get to hear where I am without a soundtrack. One less thing to carry too 🙂

Same with twitter, tumblr, even wordpress. Less time spent skipping over things I’m not even looking at anyway. All those product mailing lists I needed up, some of whom send me daily notices of warehouse clearance sales, unsubscribed from so they aren’t cutting up even my trash folder. The less clutter the better the focus.

Focus and productivity are my fall intents. The less clutter the better the focus. 

Not Dead Already

I expected to be dead by 30

which seems to be one of those ages

that many never thought they’d live past

if not dead 

then so deep into fame fortune relationships

that they’d have everything to live for

though I’ve meet people

who had those things at 30

who wished they were we dead

or felt they were dead

they’d lost a part of themselves

to get the dreams fulfilled

dreams they expected 

would make them complete

 

I expected to be dead at 30 

35 at the latest

so when I eased 

past those tiresome ages

I was caught short 

time to grow up

figure out what I wanted to be 

now that I was alive

body fully matured

I’d say now that I was adult

but that really hadn’t happened

I was still a teen trapped 

in a old man’s body

yeah I know 35 isn’t old man

but try to tell that to a 20 year old

40 is ancient

I’m at the age where I’m a relic

adult enough to know 

I can’t turn back the hands of time

& glad those hands have been kind 

to my face

if not to my bank account

 

I never expected to see the year 2001 

let alone this year

figured if I hadn’t bought the farm by then

the world would have imploded exploded 

of its own accord

but like me it is doing

this slow smother

drowned in plastic 

& the need for more

even if I wear all natural fibres 

I’m not helping

to keep the planet breathing

 

so here I am

some sort of adult

looking around

still no surer of where life is going 

than I was when I was 16

then I was sure in knew where I was going

to my funeral at 30

a date fate saw to it that I never kept

I witness what is going on around me

some good some bad

some hopelessly futile

some valiantly optimistic

each time I put another word on paper

I am making waves for the future

ripples that will continue

even if there is not such thing s paper

even if no one can afford to live

there will be repercussion

for living past 30

the consequence of not dying 

young and pretty 

is getting old and sort of handsome 

in the right light

 

being an example

for the struggling striving generations

who just wish we relics 

would shut the fuck up

and die already

https://wp.me/P1RtxU-2f6

every Tuesday 2019

September

17 – Shaw Festival – Sex (Mae West)

22 – Stratford Festival – Little Shop Of Horrors

Tuesday 24 – Hot Damn! It’s Queer Slam – Buddies and Bad Times Theatre

October

15 – Stratford Festival – The Crucible

November

7 – Hot Damn! It’s Queer Slam – Buddies and Bad Times Theatre

December

The Secret Handshake Gallery – feature – date TBA

January

23 – Hot Damn! It’s Queer Slam – Buddies and Bad Times Theatre

March

March 5 – Hot Damn! It’s Queer Slam – Buddies and Bad Times Theatre

April

April 3 – Hot Damn! It’s Queer Slam – Season 6 finales Buddies andBbad Times Theatre

June  – Capturing Fire 2020 – Washington D.C.  capfireslam.org 

Hey! Or you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington at 2020’s capfireslam.org – sweet, eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

Podcasting 2019

The nature of the podcasts I listen to has changed over the years. I started with various writing podcasts, added a few ‘social commentary’ but eventually got bored with them. Let’s face it I could hear so much about world building or about conspiracy theories. I stopped listening to all of them.

Then I came across Andrew Gurza (http://www.andrewgurza.com/homepage ) on some gay dating site. His profile mentioned he had a podcast which has since become Disability After Dark – shining a bright light on sex & disability. On it he talks explicitly about sexuality – gay, straight, other as it relates to various disabilities: autism, visual impairment, mobility limits & more.

I’ve heard nearly episode. His fearlessness & the articulateness of his frequent guests continue to make me aware of importance of representation in media, of myths about disability & has been sexy enough sometimes it forced me to take cold shower 🙂

Another podcast I now listen to is Buffering The Vampire Slayer (https://www.bufferingthevampireslayer.com ) – on which two lesbians (Jenny Owen Youngs, Kristin Russo) have been watching & discussing each Buffy episode in detail. They’ve also interviewed past cast members, stunt people & hard-core fans. I found them after I had started watching a box set of the entire series. I’m into season 6 & they have just finished season 4. The hosts are fun to listen to, & I look forward to each episode – usually every other week. They inspire me to be a proud cult nerd. A great podcast even if you aren’t a Buffy fan.

Another podcast is Fan Critical (https://www.fancritical.com ) – I started listening to them last year during the run of Castlerock – a collective of men, women in Britain & Australia discussing series such at Walking Dead, event movies such as Avengers: End Game. Initially the Castlerock was enough for me & it certainly helped me enjoy the series. After Castlerock ended the podcast continue looking at other Steven King adaptations.

Also under the Fan Critical umbrella is the Worst of Netflix – hilarious reviews of bad movies. I love it. I’ve also listening to their discussions of some event movies & frankly, no matter how they rave, I’ve not bothered seeing these movies 🙂

Most recent listening addition has been Gayish (http://www.gayishpodcast.com/ ). A couple of gay guys (Mike Johnson, Kyle Getz) chat over drinks. They talk about everything & each episode is focused on a single topic: i.e. Boobs, undies. Not laser focused though, as they stray into tangents often. Sex positive, often hilarious & well-researched. As with the Buffering hosts – they have an easy rapport that is inviting & enjoyable. I sort of envy them their friendships & their willingness to listen to each other. 

I subscribe to them via iTunes but they can be found on most podcast platforms. I support Disability After Dark & Gayish via Patreon. Try them out if you aren’t following any of these podcast already.

an older piece that the Gayish podcast on Boobs brought to mind:

Hooterville

the one area I feel empathy 

for straight guys is cleavage

where are you supposed to look

when caught up in this barrage of boob

focus on her eyes if you can

and hope she doesn’t perceive the wavering flickers

as you try not to get drawn down

it is easy to see how women 

become objectified

even when they object to it

how to pretend she isn’t pretty

that you find attractive attractive 

without being demonized

without being brow beaten 

by breasts for being such a beast

 

there’s no way of making up for it

no apology

no affirmative action

takes away the taint of having a dick

of having two competing heads to think with

of being faulted 

for thinking with the wrong one

regardless of which one is being used

of being opportunistic slaves to our base instinct

all men are guilty

no way out no absolution 

to be hormonally driven dick heads

is punishment enough

 

I have this simmering empathy 

when I get caught as straight men often do

in décolletage

try to make conversation

as subtle light shifts with each motion

as she pushes her hair behind her ear

try to focus on her words

try to ignore non-verbal communication

I’ve never heard a guy tell a woman 

‘stop looking at my package

my eyes are up here’

 

yeah I know

but the eyes are the window to the soul

and I don’t think either of us is 

ready to go there

https://wp.me/P1RtxU-2f6

every Tuesday 2019

July

Stratford Festival – Nathan The Wise

August 2-13: getting back to my roots in Cape Breton
Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee on my trip to Cape Breton – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet 

September

Shaw Festival – Sex (Mae West)

Stratford Festival – Little Shop Of Horrors

2020

June 2020 – Capturing Fire 2020 – Washington D.C.  capfireslam.org 

Hey! Or you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington at 2020’s capfireslam.org – sweet, eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblr

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/topoet

 

I Put Out


I started listening to a new podcast in April – Gayish. There has been 118 podcasts so far & I’m both keeping up to date & listening to the archive starting with number 1. Two gay cismale friends talk about stuff while having a few glasses of wine. Recent podcasts covered circumcision and French tuck (not the same thing apparently 🙂 )

 

Earlier topics included coming out, interviews with one another’s family members. Their focus is dealing with stereotypes & calling themselves out on getting caught up in those stereotypes. They actually do research & cite studies & statistics to back up their facts. They are also quite funny.

 

I have joined their FB page, follow them of twitter, also joined the Patreon support https://patreon.com/gayishpodcast. The other Patreon I support is Disability After Dark https://www.patreon.com/disabilityafterdark/. Both of which explore sexuality in a direct, fun & supportive way. Not that I live in a bubble but listening to Gayish is like having the smart, gay guy pals that I’ve never had. 

The very first was about putting out on the first ‘date.’ The open talk about gay sex, top, bottom is good to hear, in a gay culture in which bottoming isn’t seen as positive as topping. i.e. bottoms are sluts, tops are studs. They even name check two books I have read. How To Top Like A Porn Star; How To Bottom Like A Porn Star. I found both books to be beneficial. When I came out there were no ‘how to’ books so it was decades before I really enjoyed bottoming – because the first tops I played with didn’t know what they were doing.

I do put out on a first date, but I don’t go the whole hog until the third 🙂


Wide Open

something happens 

when my skin is in the same room 

as his

I don’t even have to know he is there

I can feel something 

through my clothes 

through every layer 

coat sweater jeans undies

a emanation comes from him

his eyes   his smile

his indifference

that changes my chemical structure 

that grows glows down to my toes

in fact

he doesn’t even have to be there

 

I can start to talk about him

someone can mention his name

and I feel that subtle shift

like a leaf turning the sun

his picture 

his voice on the telephone

a text

doesn’t take much

for my hypersensitive flesh

to begin reacting to him

the closer he is

the less subtle the reaction

the more alone we are together

the less subtle the manifestation becomes

those radians through the air around us

as we approach the bed

step into a shower

snuggle to watch TV

those emanation knit

pull us closer and closer

enmeshed in each other

breathe the same air

walk in the same sunshine

wash with the same soap

complete without each other

but always eager for the knit

creating those opportunities 

to mention the name

laugh about something 

we could have done

but got caught up in the shower together

got lost between the between the bed and the TV

 

I can’t say that I don’t feel 

this radian from others

there are times when opportunity

allows that awareness

I feel it first in my skin

look around the room  the street 

to see who it’s coming from

can it be returned

eyes become heat seeking sensors

who looked for me that way

whose radiants flickered over mine

I’m turning like that leaf

looking for some sun

more light 

more opportunity to share that flow

with someone else

even if it is merely to nod and smile

acknowledge not act

don’t have to act every time  

anytime

the grace of light fills us each to overflowing

no need to fear there won’t be enough

 

all I have to do is breathe deep 

and open myself to the gift

of learning another name

https://wp.me/P1RtxU-2f6

every Tuesday 2019

May

Stratford Festival – Henry VIII

July

Stratford Festival – Nathan The Wise

August 2-13: getting back to my roots in Cape Breton
Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee on my trip to Cape Breton – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet 

September

Shaw Festival – Sex (Mae West)

Stratford Festival – Little Shop Of Horrors

June  – Capturing Fire 2020 – Washington D.C.  capfireslam.org 

Hey! Or you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington at 2020’s capfireslam.org – sweet, eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblr

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/topoet

 

Bad Sex But a Great Time

On a recent Disability After Dark podcast, Andrew Gurza talks about his emotional responses to great sex. His frankness is always refreshing, especially in an online culture in which naming names – calling ‘oral sex’ a ‘blow job’ is considered against community standards. The podcast looks at how frustrating he finds his physical limitations when it comes to the free-and-easy play that often is sex. How these limitations cause him to question his masculinity.

This, as his podcasts often do, makes me look at how my performance, or my partner’s performance effects the the quality of the sex act. I say ‘sex act’ because there is more to sex than the coming … oops, I guess I should say ‘ejaculation’ to avoid conflict with community standards. It also lead me to think on great sex in general. Technically proficient sex isn’t always great sex.

I’ve had good sex but a bad time; I’ve also had bad sex but a great time; I usually have great sex & a great time. ‘good sex but a bad time’ is about guys who want praise after the act, who figure what gets them off gets you off too & if it doesn’t the problem is you; guys who suck dick but flinch at being kissed – these are usually ‘straight’ or ‘bi’ guys. ‘bad sex but a great time’ – there is one married-with-children guy I see occasionally, usually after a week or so of texting, on-line sexy chat – when he arrives he is so pent up that often he comes taking my pants off – like many guys his energy wanes after orgasm – he likes to cuddle though. Another good time bad sex guy spends more time fussing with condoms and lubes that by the time we start he has to wash up and go. 

Andrew talks about the connection between sex and sense of masculinity. I see this manifest in how rough sex is considered more masculine – that tops are more manly than bottoms. I lost interest in one guy who sent a dick pic with the message ‘are you man enough to deal with this.’ First off, I wasn’t sure it was his dick in the pic; secondly, if all you got to show is a dick pic you aren’t up to my community standards 🙂

 

Go to iTunes and download Andrew’s podcast on great sex. 

Chocolates

this is the week

when the universal currency is

flowers chocolates hearts and regrets

that get traded with eager expectations

I’ll give you a glimpse of this

if you give me a glimpse of that

I’ll put up with your doing that 

if you allow me to do do this

I’ll treat you like crap 

love you and put up with your crap

because you love me

we exchange these representations

of our willingness to continue 

our little patterns of regret dispute 

in the name of tender loving 

compassionate cooperation

because our relationship is perfect

bouquet trade-offs

of explanations for reality

how far we are willing to compromise 

our teenage ideals 

for our forty-year-old realities

as so many of us

are still ruled by bitter teenagers

who didn’t get the pretty girl 

or great guy we idolized in high school

we still cart that fractured dream

around as a measure of what we want

as if we’d stop some teenager 

in the street today and ask 

‘is this the one for me’

 

(not that a stranger 

can actually to talk 

to a teenager in the street today

without getting charged for something

but that’s another story

another compromise

to protect us from one another

so where was I)

 

ah yes

the new universal currency

of regrets fears retribution 

being more satisfying than love

who wants things flow simple and easy 

without the elegant 

encumbrance of expectations 

without the sunny 

undercurrent of resentment

that mental telepathy doesn’t work

and it is your fault

I should not have to tell you 

what I want

you should just know

from the way I wear my hat

oh right, I don’t wear hats

well that should tell you something

 

it tells you I love you

https://wp.me/P1RtxU-2f6


http://www.queerslam.com

every Tuesday 2019


June  – Capturing Fire 2019 – Washington D.C.  capfireslam.org 

August 2-13: getting back to my roots in Cape Breton
Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee on my trip to Cape Breton – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet 

Hey! Or you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington at 2019’s capfireslam.org – sweet, eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblr

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/topoet

 

Sex Work

On a recent Disability After Dark podcast, Andrew Gurza talks about his experiences with sex workers. He presents a very adult, rational & frank look at his interaction with that market. I’m not a lawyer so I know little about the legalities involved. I do know that many ‘dating’ sites refuse to allow sex workers to use them as a venue for advertising. There was a time when some had an ‘escorts’ section but those were removed to avoid prosecution. Again I don’t know law.

So I hope Andrew doesn’t get into ‘trouble’ at iTunes for this explicit episode. SESTA & FOSTA has created a major chill regarding such ‘sensitive’ adult material, regardless of the context. 

I’ve never engaged a sex worker. I’ve known several, some in 12 step recovery, of various genders & specialities. I didn’t realize there was a ‘pecking order’ until I heard a table dancer going on about call boys being further down on the trade scale. Doing phone sex is considered more respectable than … well, you get the picture.

 

I can’t say that I’ve never paid for sex or been paid for sex though. I’ve had guys give me taxi fare so we could meet up & as a result I’ve done the same for some guys. It gets to that old argument – he pays for dinner and you have sex after. Is that dating or prostitution?

 

The one thing I know though is the sex work is as discriminated against as disability. Cultural shaming around sexuality gets even more heated around the sex trade – which like same sex sex has been around as far back as recorded history – there are hieroglyphics.

 

I have fantasized about affording sex workers though. As Andrew says part of it about control – the payer can pick his player rather than waiting for the right guy to cruise on by. I have yet to fulfill a few fantasies – all involving hot dwarves 🙂

Slap Unhappy

my masochist lover wants to leave

I’m not causing him enough pain

he’s tried of merely being ashamed

of being seen with me in public

he needs more domestic humiliation

 

I reminded him

it wasn’t my fault 

he needed an audience

in order to feel the depths of abasement

that got him off

 

besides I have rotor cuff tears from

spanking him every time

the dishes weren’t cleared away fast enough

testicular torture

aggravates my Carpel tunnel syndrome

tennis elbow from fisting

doesn’t get me off at all

 

the constant stream of abuse

I had to supply him with was so draining

I had no spite left

for people who really deserved it

like that asshole barista

who couldn’t make a decent soya milk latte

a sense of futility

flooded me with each sip

of that fucking no foam latte

I had no choice but to go home

and take it out on my masochistic lover

but that wasn’t enough for him

 

and now 

my masochistic lover wants

to leave

because I don’t make him suffer enough

he feels I don’t care when I hurt him

that I’m not really into the brick-weighted

nipple clamps

into the cigar scarification

that I do those things with 

too much detachment

 

I ask him why my not caring

doesn’t add to his sense of being abused

isn’t it worse when the abuser

does it out of boredom

and not out of passion

 

once he packed up his latex

I slapped him goodbye

then shut the door

https://wp.me/P1RtxU-2f6

January 10, Thursday: 8 p.m. Hot Damn! Its’ a Queer Slam – Buddies in Bad Times Theatre: feature Regie Cabico

http://www.queerslam.com

returning every Tuesday 2019


June  – Capturing Fire 2019 – Washington D.C.  capfireslam.org 

August 2-13: getting back to my roots in Cape Breton 

Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington at 2019’s capfireslam.org – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblr

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/topoet

 

Buffering Season 2

I don’t binge watch TV shows but sometimes I do binge listen to podcasts. In this case I’ve been pushing through the archives of Buffering The Vampire Slayer by listening to one day to get caught up to where it is now. Currently it’s coming to the end of season 3. I’ve just come to the end of season 2 on the podcast. 

My actual watching has me part way through season 4 – I just watched Hush. Which is one of the better episodes of season 4 – the first university year. All I’ll say about season 4 is that the writers, for the most part, started out lost but things are finally coming together. The militia subplot was/is tedious but the return of Spike is welcome but I hope he stops being used as a comic foil soon.

I’ve enjoy the way the podcast has grown. Hosts Jenny Owen Youngs & Kristin Russo, remain engaging, insightful, funny & their love of the show is contagious. I’ve enjoyed the interviews with past cast members. Season 3 wraps with an interview with perhaps their biggest cast member: The Mayor. I have been tempted to go back to a few episodes with their comments in mind. I love their attention to detail & would like more of that. Back ground extras who only appear but do so in several episodes are always a joy to me.

 

Their episode songs are fun – my fave being Blue Goo. The jingles for the characters are also a nice addition that grows more in their discussion of season 2. But I can’t see myself using one as my cellphone ring 🙂 Season 2 podcast include a great  interview with Armin Shimerman, who plays Principal Snyder.

In their season 2 wrap up they talk about favourite moments, characters etc. For me it was the introduction of Oz though I feel his werewolf persona was never fully utilized in his story arc until season 4. It felt more like ‘oh hey lets have a cute werewolf as Willow’s boyfriend.’ He does get some of the best lines & Seth Green’s delivery is great, frequently better than his cool shirts. 

Is this the best season of Buffy? I found season 3 to be stronger. I lost interest in Buffy’s original broadcast run during season 4 so I can’t compare this season to subsequent ones. 

previously on Buffy:  Buffy Buffy Buffering https://wp.me/p1RtxU-2P5 

Psycho Zombies in the Rain

it was raining ballerinas

you know

rain so heavy

each drop created a splash tutu

as it landed

on its one toe

to join the corps du puddle

a literal rain dance

 

wet ragged gene mutated zombie

staggering down the street

skin stinking in the rain

crumbling for the lure of brains

grabs a light pole

flings aimless decaying arm

drops into the gutter

eyes washed but not cleaned

lightening strikes

the unlucky char

sluiced down the sewer drain

 

the rain not a sheet but a curtain

a shower curtain

lightening cuts through it

an electrified knife

stab stab after stab

screams drowned out by the rain

rain so heavy

we can’t see across the street

can’t see 

through the car window

wiper blades not cutting it

smearing rain like blood

on a steamy bathroom tile

https://wp.me/P1RtxU-2f6

HotDamn! It’s A Queer Slam


http://www.queerslam.com

every Tuesday another chapter:

June 8-9 – Capturing Fire 2018 – Washington D.C. (flight & hotel already booked)
 capfireslam.org 

Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy ice cream in Washington at 2018’s capfireslam.org – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblr

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/topoet

 

Buffy Buffy Buffering

I have a confession to make – I’m a fan of Buffy The Vampire Slayer. I have the complete box-set of the TV series. I got a year or so ago & have been watching nearly an episode a week. Currently I’m about 8 episodes into Season 4 – where the Scoobie gang goes to university. All I can say is that the writers feel a little lost so far. Without two of the major players from the first 3 seasons they seem unsure of what to do without them or without the high-school as the grounding set.

I’m also listening to Buffering the Vampire Slayer. An amazing podcast by Jenny Owen Youngs & Kristin Russo, a married lesbian couple (I say this because they say it frequently). I heard about Buffering (I keep hitting ‘g’ instead of ‘f’) from Liv Mammone on Facebook when she first starting season 1.

Buffering is commenting on each episode in sequence is deep into season 3. So I have a large backlog of their posts to listen to as I & I’ve just come to the end of season 1. But to keep from getting further behind I’m listening to their freshest podcasts at the same time. So I have Buffy coming at me from 3 different points in the story arc.

As they frequently point out the show not only reflects high-school but also the sense of what we hide, or think we hide, from others as lgbtq people. To avoid spoilers I will say that the show explores lesbianism in a very fun, sensual way. Season 2 does have a minor character who is an out gay male high-schooler but his story arc is so undeveloped it strikes me now as an attempt to be comic than anything else.

The Buffering podcast is great fun. The hosts know their stuff & their eye for small detail is excellent. They notice things ie: posters on the wall, how can anyone run in those shoes – sort of stuff that frequently catches my eye too. One thing they haven’t mentioned (but maybe I haven’t heard that episode) is who pays for their clothes. I don’t mean for the costume department but in the reality of Sunnydale. The characters rarely wear the same outfits from one episode to the next. We never even see them shopping for clothes (other than for Halloween or the prom). Clearly the Hellmouth has elves that make new clothes overnight for everyone.

Cape Fever

it was a black satin half-slip

with a hem of red lace

I found in my mother’s dresser

it was cool on my skin

I twisted & turned

in front of the mirror

to see it flow

clutching the waist

around my eight-year-old throat

so it was my black cape

dripping with the blood

I’d dragged it through

 

it wasn’t long enough

not full enough

meant for my mother’s narrow hips

when I tried to sweep it up

to cover my face

it fell off

it would never be Dracula’s cape

 

besides my eye brows were wrong

even after I tired to create

those terrifying arches

using eyebrow forms from

my mother’s Elizabeth Arden make up kit

it had dozens of shapes to

none were arched enough

so I did what I could

by turning one upside down

spectacular

 

a mouth full of tomato catchup

was impossible

too thick

for it drip over my teeth

or out of the corners of my mouth

the red was wrong

beet juice was the right colour

but way too thin

the two didn’t mix well either

 

but those eyebrows were spectacular

they scared even me

in the mirror

when I held a flashlight under my chin

all I needed was the right cape

and a victim

https://wp.me/P1RtxU-2f6

a new chapter every Tuesday

 

HotDamn! It’s A Queer Slam

http://www.queerslam.com

 

June 8-9 – Capturing Fire 2018 – Washington D.C. (flight & hotel already booked) capfireslam.org 

Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy ice cream in Washington at 2018’s capfireslam.org – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblr

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Glistening Shaft

On a recent Disability After Dark podcast Andrew Gurza talks about, of all things, his ‘little friend’, or rather of how he dislikes his genitals given any sort of euphemism. Having seen pics it’s more a ‘big guy’ anyway 🙂  His dislike comes from care workers trying to deal with their own embarrassment around cock care. The playful names are a way to make light of, as well distance themselves from, what they are handling. In order to be professional that have to watch their language. At least they aren’t calling it a pee pee.

One of things I dealt in my own writing was to get over using poetic language to talk about cock. I was fed up with erotica full of glistening (or any other adjective) shafts, thrusting pillars of pleasure, sword of destiny. Even writers who would give vivid descriptions of bullet wounds, how the knife ravaged flesh or details of guns would write a sex scene in which ‘he entered her.’

 

We live in a culture in which some things are so private they have become unspeakable – body functions in particular – that’s why bathrooms have stalls, why men in public washrooms usually hug the urinal. Pissing & shitting are so distasteful the organs needed to those functions are shameful & dirty. Not that I’d espouse no doors on washroom stalls – I’m on the pee shy side myself & would always rather an empty public washroom or at least a stall with a working door. Some of my shy comes from paranoia – are you looking at me – when all I was looking for was a free stall – even if I was looking it was to make sure there was room to get past without brushing you accidentally.

In one of my novels I created a sexually active woman & a part of my research was to talk with women I knew as to what they called their vaginas – did they think of them as pussy, honey pot – etc. Some had never been asked. One had ended a promising relationship because she didn’t like the what her partner was calling her vagina & she was shy about saying so.   Asking the question felt a bit odd but I got over that easily enough. I had to ask because no man I’ve ever met thinks of his cock as a glistening shaft and if some guy called my erection that I’d laugh as I pulled on my pants. Ditto for Ass Pussy:  http://wp.me/p1RtxU-2lE.

Preach Baby Preach

you know

if more people practiced safe sex

we wouldn’t need

all these precautions

it’s the fault of all them damn

fuck happy sluts

spreading disease

making babies no one can afford

wrecking lives

not caring as they go around

merrily fucking

away without a care in the world

with out a worry

for the medical system

for hospitals

that can’t afford a glass of water

unless someone’s insurance covers it

and my taxes go up

every time some horny idiot decides

to fuck without protection

for their momentary pleasure

if you can’t keep it up

because of some barrier

you don’t deserve to fuck

you hear what I’m saying

unless you’re in the right financial bracket

you shouldn’t be fucking at all

taking risks

bringing babies into a world

where you expected others to care for them

to support you

while you stay off work

to bring them up

so use the brain between your shoulders

not the one between your legs

make some sensible choices

that won’t cost me anything

get that baby carriage out of my way

stop blocking the sidewalks

the grocery aisles with it

if you’d used protection

I could go shopping without

having to shove you

and your screaming brats out of the way

my children are well behaved

Chapbooks available: http://wp.me/P1RtxU-2f6

meandchap

kiss3on going 🙂 when new podcast are posted:  Disability after Dark  iTunes

http://www.andrewgurza.com/picturethisdoc

August 31-Sept.3 – I have my ticket already

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https://www.facebook.com/events/526940540845331/

November 1 – 30 Participating NaNoWriMo

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http://nanowrimo.org/

June 8-9 attending: Capturing Fire 2018

https://capfireslam.org

check out these poets from  Capturing Fire 2015 & 2016

Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee  – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

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Big Fat Tops Only :-)

13-redsofa02Disability After Dark  started 2017 with Andrew Gurza‘s interview with Jerome Stuart Nichols – a self-described big black gay guy. In nearly 80 min they cover the gamut of queerdom, race, disability, mental issues, alcoholism, weight & masculinity. And representation.

That is representation beyond token stereotype. Jerome asks why most fat people on TV have to be looking for ways to lose weight or being angsty about being accepted for who they are because of their weight – why can’t they be shown just being happy as they are in a context where no one sees weight as an issue. But then where is the drama in that?

13-redsofa03Andrew takes great pride in his lack of shame about his nakedness – I’ve seen the pics 🙂 – mainly because he wants to see disability eroticized, as opposed to fetishized. It made me wonder – is the world ready for Steven Hawking’s nude spread? If that question seems tasteless, or overly sardonic – part of Andrew’s drive is to force people to consider sexuality outside of what may be ‘pretty.’

13-redstrat01My Tumblr feed follows a very wide range of male types from dwarf, midget, Asian bears, thicker men, hairy dudes, Arab hotties, with some average joe’s in the mix too. In none of these groups do I see the visibly disabled with the exception of hyper-masculine Alex Minsky: a one-legged, tattooed, muscular, well-hung guy. I’m sure there’s a feed devoted to guys with walkers, leg braces but you know I want to see them with everyone not set aside as a sort of seamy side stream. This is what Andrew aims for as well. The Tumblr’s I follow I found because they were reposted part of a bigger thread.

13-redflower04Jerome talks about changing from being a bottom to being a top – how that has affected his sense of masculinity in a positive way. The podcast was long enough but I would have enjoyed more of an exploration of why there is no such thing as a masculine bottom? Did Jerome feel feminized when he was a bottom? The dynamic of top – bottom is perhaps too complex – having engaged in both I found both made me feel very sexual but no more fem or masculine than I already am. But this a topic for a later blog post.

samp03

Nothing To Lose

1

what have I got to lose

this is opportunity

not solution

this is a move in a direction

right or wrong

doesn’t matter as much as

this is a move in a direction

I have more to lose

by remain still

by keeping safe

all I have is to lose

2

I say no when I mean no

I don’t explain

apologize

don’t condition it as a potential yes

I’ll repeat the no

but if it takes more than one repeat

to be heard

I say nothing

I walk

because if you can’t respect my no

then my yes is meaningless to you

 

I say no

without anger

it’s not meant to punish

to teach anyone a lesson

it means exactly what it say

 

no

I don’t want what I don’t want

I don’t want that item on the menu

I don’t want to walk any further

I don’t want to talk about it

 

once I’ve said no

I’m not open to negotiation

any more than you are

in your eagerness for a yes

3

there are times when no is pointless

I can say no more shit

but it keeps coming

from people who don’t ask for permission

they take thing into their own hands

pick up the gun

don’t make excuses apologies

bold brash trigger pullers

teaching us the lesson

that tolerance isn’t acceptance

that the law

can’t legislate thoughts

 

there are no thought police

only pundits

to say how terrible it is

after the fact

 

after the fact

it’s too late to be bold

enough to say anything

even though before the fact

it was bold enough

to celebrate ourselves

our skins

our agency as humans

 

after the fact

it’s too late to say no

but by keeping safe

all I have is to lose

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Devotee

04-white02On a recent Disability After Dark Andrew Gurza talks with Stacie Gravito, an abled, hetero cis-female (fuck when did so many qualifiers become p.c.?), about her sexual attraction to disabled men. Their discussion about attraction to vs fetishization of was frank, intense & at times funny. People pretending to be disabled merely for attention – #cripfish.

Stacie talked about a group she found for disability devotees – people attracted to various disabilities: deaf, ms, etc. It struck me that such a group isn’t too different from a dating site devoted to, say, bears & men who like them the chubbier the better or one for Asians & guys who lust for them.04-white01

It lead me to think about the nature of sexual attraction vs. racism, agism. There is a calling out on some sites for allowing men to include things like no fats, fems, Asians etc in their profiles. I’ve been called out for being too old – ironic when I see guys my age with ‘under 40 only’ as what they are seeking.

04-white04I think I have a pretty healthy ‘seeking’ but I can’t say that I’m a devotee of one racial type – more of an emotional type. I’ve been with men with various physical, what shall I call them, non-conformist, circumstances: blind, deaf, mobility & even mental illness (at least as defined by our culture). I didn’t seek them out because of these factors & didn’t see any reason to be put off by them either. 04-white03

The one ‘factor’ that I might be a devotee of is height. When I look at profiles, men on the street, I’m always drawn to the short ones. But this confession will have to wait until next week. Even with Nanowrimo work I’ll have energy to write about my devotee love of short men.

samp03

I’m Committed To You

you could be right

you might say that

it doesn’t quite suit me

it’s a possibility

sometimes it seems that way

sounds good in theory

can’t say that I have

it’s pointless to disagree

that’s not what I meant

looks can be deceiving

for now

not that I was aware of

give or take

I don’t always enjoy that

maybe another time

I guess it’ll do

don’t get me wrong

it was just a joke

don’t ask me

it’s up to you

things change

I’m really not sure

I can for now

don’t quote me on that

not always

I can’t put it into words

another time perhaps

you picked the wrong day

I never said that

if you say so

not this time

I could be wrong

soon02

14257567_1162384753819933_3271661288579707843_o
on going 🙂 when new podcast are posted:  Disability after Dark  iTunes

November 1 – 30 Participating NaNoWriMo

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http://nanowrimo.org/

December – Thursday Dec 1st – Toronto, 8 pm, Buddies in Bad Times Theatre, 12 Alexander St.divine

http://www.queerslam.com/season-3-dates.html

6DC0301

Early 2017:

my first local feature in over a year: location date TBA

it came in

April season 3 FINALS – Friday April 15th Buddies in Bad Times – early show – 7pm startgames

http://www.queerslam.com/season-3-dates.html

June 2-4: attending: Capturing Fire 2017 –

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https://capfireslam.org

check out these poets from Capturing Fire 2015: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCx5KD1eDccdjdTdQ28kZRNg

money

Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

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