Ours Alone
the tenderness here
must remain here
only for the two of us
to enjoy to cherish
the sight of it
in the open air
in a public space
would sully it
turn it into performance
it would cease to be sacred
it would be an assault
on common decency
for two men
to hold hands in public
for them to kiss
in front of innocent children
Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee at Capturing Fire 2020- sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet
Terra Cotta
he insisted
on terra cotta flower pots
not pots
planters
you know the kind big enough
for a …
oh you’ve heard this story
you know where it’s going
unlike the men
meeting him
they didn’t know where they were going
just that he promised
to take them somewhere
offered –
well I’m not sure what he offered
it’s hard to call that something sex
I guess I’m old fashioned that way
terra cotta is better for the plants
for the roots
it breathes properly
allows water to filter through
plastic containers trap the water
traps insects
plastic absorbs heat
the soil doesn’t breathe
neither do the men
Selim Esen, 44
Abdulbasir Faizi, 44
Majeed Kayhan, 58
Kirushna Kumar Kanagaratnam, 37
Andrew Kinsman, 49
Dean Lisowick, 47
Soroush Mahmudi, 50
Skandaraj Navaratnam, 40
Often current events get instilled to the prompts I’m using – the prompt becomes a direction for me to deal with real life events in a poetic, almost fictionalized way. The prompt allows for symbolism. In this case the serial killer of gay men was in the news – I was very careful of where I place ‘gay’ in that description as I’m not sure if the killer is self-identified but merely picked gay men as being vulnerable enough for him to victimize.
One of break-throughs was finding human remains in the giant terra cotta planters he was using in his gardening business. I’m a gardener & know a few things about terra cotta – it is preferable to plastic containers – plastic doesn’t ‘breath’ or cool properly so plants don’t grow as well in them. It was a simple association between roots buried in pots, to men buried in pots.
As more was revealed about the hunt for the killer some details were repeated over & over, the pots being one of them. All one had to do, in some situations, is say terra cotta & everyone knew the association. How long did it take for o.j. to get back to meaning orange juice?
I ‘enjoy’ performing this piece – the shifting use of language, the ironic parallel of plants & men plays well without being comic. I don’t enjoy the fact that I had to write this piece. I don’t mention the killer’s name, I won’t ever, but the names of his victims deserve to be heard so that these men, for a moment, get to breathe again as you read them. Try saying them out loud.
Sunday – January 26, 2020 – 1:30 – feature: The Secret Handshake Gallery, 170A Baldwin (Kensington Market) – 1:30
https://www.facebook.com/events/498405247456842/
Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees. Thanks paypal.me/TOpoet
For me there is little danger in walking down the street, in going to a coffee shop, in going to bar other than drunken drivers. It has been decades since I was verbally harassed for being a ‘fucking faggot.’ For some friends of mine there is always danger in walking down the street – many I know feel unsafe doing such simple tasks, in particular trans men & women. Marginalized in various ways.
I know many trans people who have come into recovery, some have stayed & others have found the gendered language of recovery texts too difficult to deal with & chose to continue using. Another area of safety for me – I can read such literature & not feel the need to constantly re-contextualize the language.
These thoughts come about as the result of a transwoman I knew in the recovery rooms being murdered just before Christmas. I didn’t know her well, but her violent death resonated with me (& more with others who knew her better). When using one’s ability to judge risk factors is impaired – that was true for me at one point before I came into recovery. I was doing things not because I really wanted to but because I was drunk enough not to care what I was doing. With recovery I started to care more about myself, stopped taking risks to be ‘liked’, stopped needing to reaffirm my sexuality to myself.
I can’t speak to the murdered woman’s level of risk or why she was taking them – I do know how easy it is to get caught in those cycles even with some recovery. I doubt if I would be alive today if I had continued as I was – sometimes what kills isn’t the substance but what it allows us to do or what we allow to happen to us.
I am deeply sadden by the cultural context that makes walking to the store dangerous for some. I play an active role in recovery to help reduce risk factors but there are limits. Also I have resisted mentioning the victim’s name – those who know know. I’m not one to coat tail just to get hits here. Maybe in a year I’ll add the name. Until then this is a woman who will be missed, even by someone who hardly knew her.
when was the first time I broke the law
was it when I shoplifted
drank underage
had a few tokes
dropped pants with another man
did I bring something across the border
without declaring it
did I ever fudge my income tax
to claw back another lousy 50 bucks
have I ever wanted to push someone
in front of an on coming train
thought crimes
I’m not a good criminal
petty at best through
that petty crime mindset
is eroding the very structure of our society
each small look away
leads to people disappearing
without being noticed
dots of faces not joined
till they lead to a pig farm
or terra cotta flower pots
why bother even then
they were junkies users trans
not good god fearing coffee drinkers
when was the first time I broke a heart
well never
as far as know
I’m too petty in love for that to happen
my wounds never bleed enough
to attract healers
those people addicted
to the hurt in others
my hurts are too minor
scrapes more than scars
if I were a better criminal
perhaps I could attract
a more substantial class of healer
but I’m not into self-harm
or petty law breaking either
shop lifting – why bother
it isn’t worth the hassle
who give a shit about someone toking up
now it’s all medical marijuana
I don’t make enough money
to worry about fudging my taxes
have to inflate not deflate
just to be credible
self-destruct mode turned off years ago
that save-me-please energy has been banked
I’d rather be as petty as I am
a minor offence
not a major attraction
the delightful surprise
under a taupe surface
a surface very few penetrate
most slide along in favour
of the more clearly wounded
and I suppose
there’s no law against that
January
Thursday January 23 – Hot Damn! It’s Queer Slam – Buddies and Bad Times Theatre – featuring ‘Yes The Poet’ https://www.facebook.com/events/577900226377507/
Sunday – January 26 – 1:30 – feature: The Secret Handshake Gallery, 170A Baldwin (Kensington Market) – 1:30https://www.facebook.com/events/498405247456842/
March
March 5 – Hot Damn! It’s Queer Slam – Buddies and Bad Times Theatre
April
April 3 – Hot Damn! It’s Queer Slam – Season 6 finales Buddies and Bad Times Theatre
May
Richard III – Stratford Festival
June – Capturing Fire 2020 – Washington D.C. 
capfireslam.org
July
All’s Well That Ends Well – Stratford Festival
Hey! Or you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington at 2020’s capfireslam.org – sweet, eh? paypal.me/TOpoet
Adam Lambert almost won some TV singing contest a few years ago. The show traded on the fact that he was an out gay guy who sang pop rock, not disco or emotionally tender, sensitive romantic ballads. Sort of a male version of Pink. I have stand-alone: For Your Entertainment, which I bought at HMV for the track ‘Whataya Want From Me’ which is a perfect pop song. As mp3 I have The Original High (Deluxe Version), solid music but to be honest I can’t recall a song from it.
He was packaged as a gay glam-rock icon – mascara & such but that ran out of steam fast. It felt like his label didn’t know what to do with him & he resisted attempts to re-fashion him as anything but a rocker. He apparently refused to do an lp of disco covers just to capitalize on his ‘fame.’ He has stepped into Freddie Mercury’s sequins perform with Queen. Plus he can sing.
Keeping with the queers I have stand-alone k.d. lang and The Reclines: absolute torch & twang. I found this in a box of cast off cds a few years ago. I selected several from the box including this oen. I’ve always loved ‘pullin’ back the reins’ for her emotional openness. A transitional cd as she moved more to pop from country. What ever happened to her?
Another stand-alone Bettye LaVette’s Interpretations – The British Rock Songbook. I kept reading raves about this ‘come back’ lp & after listening (via YouTube) to her amazing take on The Who’s ‘Love Reign O’er Me’ picked it up at HMV. She has a fine emotive voice & the covers are reverential but she makes them her own as well. I also loved this ‘songbook’ concept as many of the songs she covers are classic 60’s/70’s pop.
another very rough draft from the, so far, unfinished Isle St. Nuit
The return to Halifax wasn’t as jarring as he’d expected. In fact the routine allowed him quickly to forget Montreal. The events there become more like one of the movies he would have seen at the festival. Dreamlike memory replaced his real experiences. That couldn’t have been him on his knees in a store door way sucking a cock while people walked past only a few feet away. That wasn’t something he would ever do.
Who would want to do that with someone who looked like he did, anyway. There was a sense of something gone, though part of him knew there wouldn’t be any more phone calls, emails from Kevin, no more flying off to rendezvous in various places around the country for furtive hotel sex between screenings, he would miss that. But even that Mike became less and less like him as well.
His past was turning into a dull film with random spots of uncomfortable porn. Kevin must have felt sorry for him to let it go so long.
Mike couldn’t recall if Kevin every really seemed to enjoy their sex as much he had been with his new partner that day in the woods. Had Kevin ever shivered like that, even taken him with such relish, pumped his ass so joyously.
Mike once again found himself feeling that men only allowed him to touch them for their own gratification. They probably weren’t even queer, just needing to get off, get taken care of and any one would do, in the dark. Yes, in the very dark dark.
Well Mike wouldn’t have to worry about that anymore. It was time to go back to being celibate. that wouldn’t be so hard. Kevin was his only sex contact since they first met. One was all he needed. All he deserved; not that he even deserved that. An opportunity given and then taken away. Never to be offered again, by anyone.
Xavier was more dream not meant to last. Those few days were a blur. The empty hotel room. On his hands and knees with Pierre scouring the fibres of the carpet like a queer CSI team.
What a scene that would make in some comedy. the Bumbling homos hunting down the man who ate and ran. Such a tried pattern. Yet he fell for it.
January
Thursday 23 – Hot Damn! It’s Queer Slam – Buddies and Bad Times Theatre – featuring ‘Yes The Poet’ https://www.facebook.com/events/577900226377507/
March
March 5 – Hot Damn! It’s Queer Slam – Buddies and Bad Times Theatre
April
April 3 – Hot Damn! It’s Queer Slam – Season 6 finales Buddies and Bad Times Theatre
May
Richard III – Stratford Festival
June – Capturing Fire 2020 – Washington D.C. capfireslam.org
July
All’s Well That Ends Well – Stratford Festival
Hey! Or you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington at 2020’s capfireslam.org – sweet, eh? paypal.me/TOpoet
As an almost card-carrying queer I do have some music bought solely to maintain my queer status, which is why I have Kylie Minogue’s Fever on the shelf. The music is well produced dance music. Nothing with real personality & good as background sex music. One cd was enough for me. She is quite popular though & her live shows get raves.
Near by on the shelf is another card-carrying queer qualifier: Lady Gaga. I have stand-alones The Fame; Monster; The Remixes. Tucked away on various mp3 collections is Born This Way; Joanne. This is dance music of a different order (than Kylie) – stunning production & engineering, astonishing videos & politically challenging (something dance music isn’t supposed to be.) Plus I have her excellent duets with Tony Bennet. Also the soundtrack from ‘A Star is Born.’
Much like Madonna, Lady Gaga’s persona is very fluid always with a strong awareness of audience. Each collection has standout tracks, plus cds of remixes to spread the magic. Like many she gets more respect when she sticks to the dance music. Her more personal & more subdued Joanne was not as warmly received by the market. Then came the Academy Award. Lady Gaga can sing as she proved with Tony Bennett.
Joanne leads a mp3 collection that includes some old school dance by LTD: Hits, Classics (Boogie Wonderland); Bizarre Inc.: Energique (I’m Gonna Get You). I remember these two groups from my disco days. I’m not sure if Bizarre Inc. was nothing more than a studio production. Some prog-soul by The Undisputed Truth: The Best of, Face To Face. This is in the Sly Stone vein of soul but more experimental – they do an amazing Ball of Confusion.
Too add some modern I have Solange: A Seat at the Table – which is also experimental soul/pop – the lp title should tip you off there is some political underpinnings 🙂 Frank Ocean is a rapper/soul singer who came out & I figured I should have at least something by him – Blonde: well produced but vocals get buried & after several listening I can’t name a song. Finally another by an out singer: Jordan Smith’s Something Beautiful – he has one of those angelic, slightly hurt voices that makes everything sound wistful & emotionally compelling.
from Isle de Nuit
“What do you mean – you’re leaving?”
“Jacques there’s nothing more I can do. The Montreal police don’t need me for their investigation. I have a job in Halifax to get back to. I can’t afford to be here.”
“Don’t you need to know what happened to Xavier?”
“Yeah sure but we’ve done what we can, right. Who to question? Xavier made sure his trail was cold before he left. He must have known that all along. He had it planned so he could make this clean get away. I hope it was worth what this must have cost him.” Mark picked up his suitcase. Not much heavier than when he had arrived. He’d decided not to bring much of the film crap with him. He’d been tempted to get rid of the tee he’d been wearing when he met V but after a few washing it wouldn’t hold any memory.
“I’ll keep in touch.’ He reached out to shake hands with Jacques.
Jacques pulled him into a bear hug. He squirmed remembering what had happened between them at the hotel the other day. At a glance he could tell that Jacques was remembering it too.
“I didn’t mind.”’ Jacques half smiled.
“I know.’ He avoided Jacques’ kiss. “But this isn’t what I need. Another long distance relationship.”
Jacques sighed. “I know.”
“Maybe under other circumstances.”
“Right! When you aren’t still pining for the invisible man. Now that’s truly a long distance relationship.”
“I will keep in touch though. If you ever want to come to Halifax I have a spare room you can use.”
January
Thursday 23 – Hot Damn! It’s Queer Slam – Buddies and Bad Times Theatre
March
March 5 – Hot Damn! It’s Queer Slam – Buddies and Bad Times Theatre
April
April 3 – Hot Damn! It’s Queer Slam – Season 6 finales Buddies and Bad Times Theatre
May
Richard III – Stratford Festival
June – Capturing Fire 2020 – Washington D.C. capfireslam.org
July
All’s Well That Ends Well – Stratford Festival
Hey! Or you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington at 2020’s capfireslam.org – sweet, eh? paypal.me/TOpoet
Working through the 227 Rules For Monks.
Queer Status: Suspended
I’ve lived with the same man
for over forty years
I don’t use poppers or party and play
so I’m not gay enough
I did hiv home care
buried friends
stepped away from the front lines
so I’m not queer enough for the room
I sleep around
sometime have unprotected sex
so I’m not a good example
I don’t like Celine Dion
which is enough to get my
gay card denied
I’m over several hills
hills that only survivors
know how daunting it can be
shamed for not being young enough
to be in the room sells us
face lifts work out routines
websites for grandpa devotees
gay marriage was a nudge
to make homosexually acceptable
in heteronormative terms
was too conditional
I was amused by the need
for that sort of card carrying conformity
I can let myself out
Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees – thanks? paypal.me/TOpoet
Unsubstantiated
each day of silence
creates impatience
people want to know
families loved ones
want to know
reporters want to know
completion impossible
until we know
yet even when we know
the details are shocking
speculation remains unsubstantiated
though the layers of facts
builds up
for two to three to eight
fragments found buried deep
in planters
under the noses
of even the lookers
of even the ignorers
each day of silence
is remembered with longing
the silence of unknowing
offered a solace
that the noise of facts
can never provide
Another piece that was written when the alleged serial killer of gay men was finally making the news. ‘Alleged’ is one of those words that allows media to distance itself – it doesn’t make a commitment to concrete fact – much like the notion of the serial killer that was deemed circumstantial & unsubstantiated for a few years.
The dots connected the many missing men were not connected but considered merely coincidental – after all, homeless and/or immigrant men were disappearing all the time – in some cases this disappearances went unreported or weren’t seen as connected to the gay missing.
This piece is as much about the media’s use of language as it is about the search, which by this time had finally turned up remains in planters. No names were associated with those remains while forensics determined if they were even human.
The alleged killer was identified as ‘a person of interest’. I rarely write about ‘current events’ but this one resonated deeply with me or many reasons – the prime being that I casually met one of the victims some time before he went missing. Many of the victims were a physical type I find attractive, the ‘alleged’ killer was not.
‘the silence of unknowing’ includes the not knowing the details of how these men were murdered. For some just knowing their loved one was involved in gay activities was already too much but the nature of the sexual activities involved was more than they needed to find out. I’m not sure what ‘sense of completion’ resulted for anyone.
Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee at Capturing Fire 2020 – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet
Working through the 227 Rules For Monks.
Who knew the simple life could be so complex.
Flower Pot Men
Bill and Ben
were the Flower Pot Men
a show I watched as a child
they would talk to each other
in gibberish
listening for the gardener
when their friend the weed
heard him coming
it would squeal
weeeeed weeeeeeed
then become still and silent
as the flower pot men
sank back into their pots
curled up at the bottom
safe sound and hidden
nameless men
curled up at the bottom of flower pots
didn’t remain hidden long enough
their photos bloomed
on telephone poles
bulletin boards
the corners of store windows
but not in flower pots
have you seen these flowers
from strange lands
with strange names
no one knew
let alone could pronounce
the authorities said
these aren’t real flowers
they aren’t connected
to the same soil
or to a known gardener
don’t worry
no one is stealing flowers
from your garden
then someone knocks over a flower pot
out falls not Bill or Ben
but
nameless men
Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees – thanks? paypal.me/TOpoet
Unreliable
your story changes
each time you tell it
so is it no wonder
no one is sure just what happened
not that you cry wolf
but the wolf mutates
first it didn’t snarl
then you weren’t afraid of the snarl
subtle elaborations
no one doubts
that you met the wolf
but it’s no longer clear
what happened next
except that you survived
without even a bite mark on you
though perhaps
the next time you tell the story
you will reveal the scar
from the bite
that you said didn’t happen
because you couldn’t tell everything
you didn’t expect it to be believed
you needed to trust us
before going any deeper
into what really happened
so it went from seeing the wolf
in the general area
to meeting said wolf
and declining further contact
to never having been in touch
with the wolf before you saw him
to having sex with the wolf
but not enjoying it enough
or
well we’re not sure
except we don’t doubt
you met the wolf
or that the wolf
was caught with the blood of lambs
in his fur
none of blood was yours
but you knew some of those lambs
what will come next
as your story changes
that you escaped is clear
but what are you hiding
from yourself
This is another piece partly triggered by the serial killer coverage, in particular the number of gay men who came forward before, during & after the hunt. Those who tried to bring police attention to the notion of a serial killer were not taken seriously by the authorities – they were merely paranoid alarmists.
When it became clear these men weren’t being paranoid alarmists the press was quickly on the scent of witnesses. The killer, as it turns out, was known as a randy daddy in the community. Several had had first-hand experience & were eager to tell their stories. The press, as usual, took them at their word. Surely no one would claim to have slept with the killer just to get some TV time?
One man ended up interviewed at different times during the investigation. Interviewed by different networks & various media. His story became more revealing as more was revealed about the killer. He was, to me, literally the fictional unreliable narrator. He was caught in a paradox of wanting to talk yet not wanting to be judged at the same time. He was no ‘innocent’ victim.
It’s unfortunate we live in a media culture where the disposable are so eager for acknowledgment they jump at any opportunity for being seen. Because the early whistleblowers were marginalized they weren’t seen as credible but as attention seekers. Even now with some time between the conviction & today there are some who feel those faggots got what they deserved. What are they hiding from themselves?
Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee at Capturing Fire 2020 – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet
DNA Traces
did he live here
there
he tended gardens
the cadaver dogs
are nosing the rose bushes
the lilacs
he planted here
there
each was his place
refuge or hideaway
haven or grave
the men who know
will only talk
if their bones are found
traces of their dna
say
we were here
there
we now live in a digital world
symbols
of the discarded
the disappeared
never to be reported
not missed until
their remains were found
men with hidden sexuality
now with hidden bones
senses of self
some homeless
before they were lifeless
cadaver dogs are on the trail
some families still deny
their complicity
in a culture
denies its complicity
shaming sexuality into hiding
long before those bones
were stripped of flesh
before being hidden
perhaps
never to be found here
there
This is one of several pieces I wrote in response to the search & capture of the serial killer of gay men. Other pieces looked at the media response to the search, others to the denial that there was even a serial killer. Part of that inability/unwillingness was due the the social status of many of the victims. By social status I mean homelessness or immigrant. If you are homeless no notices you are gone.
As the piece says some weren’t missing until their remains were found. Some remains were of men reported missing but whose closeted culture didn’t include their sexuality. The murderer was found when he killed a white male who had people who missed him immediately. They were unafraid of immigration policies, weren’t so imitated by police, that they reported him missing.
Their insistence & persistence – putting up posters, searching themselves – lead to the eventual capture of the murderer. The murderer preyed not only on these’s men sexuality but also the shame that kept, for some of them, their sexuality a secret from families & friends. They were murdered a much by that culture of shame as they were by the actual hands of the killer.
The vicitms: Selim Esen, Abdulbasir Faizi, Majeed Kayhan, Kirushna Kumar Kanagaratnam, Andrew Kinsman, Dean Lisowick, Soroush Mahmudi, Skandaraj Navaratnam
Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee at Capturing Fire 2020 – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet
Free listening and free download (mp3) chill and down tempo music (album compilation ep single) for free (usually name your price). Full merged styles: trip-hop electro chill-hop instrumental hip-hop ambient lo-fi boombap beatmaking turntablism indie psy dub step d'n'b reggae wave sainte-pop rock alternative cinematic organic classical world jazz soul groove funk balkan .... Discover lots of underground and emerging artists from around the world.
life
a painter writing, images and text
Natural expressions of adult male masculinity, sensuality, and sexuality.
A window towards my soul in the form of poetry. Check it out. It's cool.
Post, news, diary... All the world around me, ALL THE WORDS AROUND YOU
Indie Author
author, artist
Psychology to Motivate | Inspire | Uplift
views, reviews, music, poetry and pics
