Santa Daddy

(WordPress has messed up line spacing & I can’t figure out how to fix it 😦

Santa Daddy 

get thee in front of me Santa
keep your hands where I can see them 

I know all about that list
I’m not one of those nice boys
whose naughty can be gotten for toys 

that better not be a fat suit
‘cause I tend to be a chubby chaser 

no matter how big the bag
there better be more happening than that
if you hope to roast
your chestnuts on my fire

so get thee in front of me Santa
don’t bother sneaking around
if you want my milk and cookies 

keep those damn reindeer quiet
your ad said discreet encounter 

honey those sleigh bells aren’t discreet
when you said you were into uniforms 

this isn’t quite what I had envisioned 

you have to offer more than
those spit-shined black boots

so guess you want to get down to business
no chit chat how you doing
just want to drop your load 

get out of here
not that I’m surprised
you have a full to-see list
if you think you can go that quickly 

it isn’t going to happen
I want more than an XXXbox
those elves you brought
aren’t going to make up for that

no I don’t want do some Coke-a-Cola 

I don’t want to be flying all night

so get thee in front of me Santa 

unless you long to Kris Kringle kiss 

my Christmas ass 

and say thank you sir
before you head back up that chimney

This is a fun, sexy Christmas poem that springs from the notions of gay men’s types & from what men say about themselves in their dating profiles. Dating is being generous as most guys are just looking to get off. There is something creepy about someone always watching you – Santa the voyeur, stalking children & rewarding them with toys. Getting to sit on his lap: fun or fraught with loss of boundary? Teaching that being good is how we earn favour.

 

Men in the gay world who like ‘larger’ physical types were once called ‘chubby chasers’ – a term that is no longer politically correct. Santa, as invented by some commercial artist fits the bearded chubby profile perfectly. Santa is the classic bear. The first verse ends with a nod to size queens (the bigger the dick the better the time) but for some if all there is a large package that isn’t enough without a personality to go with it.

 

A buzz word in many profile is ‘discreet.’ I still have no idea what that means. Are they fearful that the encounter will be on live twitter feed? That the hook up with become a FB invite? Or is it a way of saying – don’t be too fem? Perhaps, don’t ask my name, don’t tell me yours? But lets face it there is nothing discreet about Santa, particularly in his boots – perfect for a master to use to stomp on your … uh … Christmas tree balls, to teach you a lesson.

 

Clearly though Santa is and in-and-out man who does drop his load & gets out of there. As anonymous as possible. Coke is a reference both to the drug & to the fact that the roly-poly Santa we love was created to sell Coke-a-Cola.

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Snow Global Santa

In The Belly of the Festive Beast

Here are two ornaments that have been part of my decor for decades. First is this bizarre snow globe Santa Claus. I have several Christmas themed snow globes that get set out in my bathroom for the season. I think I found this one at Honest Ed’s way back in the last century. Made in Hong Kong is has that odd Asian sensibility about things American.

What I love is that stomach – Santa has a crèche in his belly. Pretty much the story of the season – commercialization swallowing the real meaning of the season. The consumer symbol of Christmas, as created by coca cola, consuming the Biblical story. Then again the church co-opted the pagan celebration to create Christmas. 

I’m not clear why Santa is carrying Bambi though. This is the only time I’ve seen him carrying anything other than that sack of toys over his shoulder. It’s almost a St. Christopher reference. St. Christopher  being the guardian of travellers it seems like a appropriate resonance. 

The other belly is a penguin ornament picture frame here holding a photo (taken one Christmas) of my friend Roy. Roy was my recovery sponsor & was big part of why I hosted our December 25th feast. He died suddenly on vacation in Hawaii (longish story) & I was executor of his estate. The penguin was a gift a few years earlier and the first Christmas after he died I put this photo of him into it so that he would always be present in our house to join in our holiday celebration.

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Haley to Hardy

 I have as a stand-alone Bill Haley and His Comets:  From The Original Master Tapes – This is total nostalgia not memory. I was a radio addict growing up & occasionally his hits would show up on program as a golden oldie. Then they were too rock-a-billy for me as opposed to rock-and-roll. My idea fo rock was the Beatles. By the time I picked up this Cd in 1999 I was familiar enough with the songs. But listening to them doesn’t bringing back any real moments the way a lot of music can for me.

Next under H is Françoise Hardy. I had Le premier bonheur as lp – which I bought in Montreal in the mid-90s at La marche (I think that’s what it was called) which was a huge 2nd hand lp, cassette, book store. When I visited I would spend hours flipping through the endless bins of lps. My hands would be black from the flipping. I was attempting to learn French via music.

Le premier bonheur was one of her first release. She started her career in the 60’s career. Her whispery voice clearly inspired Feist. Françoise was a huge European star, sold as the equivalent of Dusty Springfield. The songs on the early lps are a sweet French version of gentle rock & folk-rock & I love them.

Now I have Le premier bonheur, and Comment Te Dire tucked onto various mp3 collections. Also as mp3 I have Vingt Ans, Vingt Titres: which as you might guess is a best off that covers her from the start. As stand-alones I have two other collections: La Collection: which covers her early career; also Les Plus Belle Chansons: which covers her later work. 

As she aged she took more control of her material. She dropped the little girl voice, moved away from the folk-rock & became a chanteuse. Adult pop, jazz & even blue. I consider her one of the prime influencers of many female vocalists today who might even realize what an influence she has been. Try her early work for a sense of innocence that is quite delightful.

Simple Santa

Blake glanced around the mall – looked from one side to the other as he walked from one entrance to the the other. It was early in  the day and not too busy. He could smell the food court coffee. He had  enough time for that.

The bank would open soon. The jewellery store clerk was getting things put into the front display window. Normal. For now.

He continued out the exit and to the truck.

‘Well how does it look?’ Frank asked him.

‘Same as it did the last two morning.’

‘No one notice you or anything?’

‘Oh yeah, the security guy asked me what I was up to.’

‘Oh shit!’

‘Look, I’m joking. Here.’

He handed Frank a muffin and coffee. ‘Had to buy something to throw off suspicion.’

‘How much longer.’

They both looked a their watches. ‘Ten minutes,’

‘You sure you want to go through with this?’

‘Yes. You?’

‘Don’t have much choice do we.’

‘You got the costumes?’

‘Right here.’

Frank opened the garment bags. Rich velvet red Santa suits, full white beards. He handed a beard to Black.

‘Feels like the real thing.’

‘I should hope so at this price.’

The two men changed into their Santa suits.

‘Look good.’

‘You too.’

‘Nervous?’

‘A little. I’m sure glad we checked out the mall a few times though.’

‘It’s always good to know what we’re in for.’

‘If only everything was this simple.’

‘Wait till we’re done and we’ll see just simple it all is.’

‘You ready?’

‘Yep.’

They walked to the store. Each headed for a different entrance.

‘Hey Mommy. It’s Santa.’

‘Ho ho ho,’ Blake replied. ‘Have you been a good little girl?’

‘Oh yes. Haven’t I Mom.’

Mom smiled. ‘Depends on what you call good.’

‘Can I sit on his lap now.’

‘Ho ho. Not yet little one. You’ll have to wait till I get to the North Pole booth. There’ll be lots of time then.’

‘And a photo. I really have to have a photo. Can’t we get one now?’

‘Mommy doesn’t have a camera dear.’ The mother tugged the little girl away.

‘There’s one inside. Don’t worry.’

‘Okay Santa and I have been a really good girl. Really. Don’t listen to my Mom.’

‘I never do.’

Blake went to the Santa booth near the entrance. Frank had one at the other end of the Mall. Chances were that the same kids wouldn’t see there were two of them. If they did, a little suffering was always good for the soul.

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