Upstairs with Satan and Archie

Moving to the upstairs in my house we come to these on the walls of the upper hall. First this wonderful paint-by-number that I bought, framed, at a Goodwill on Queen E decades ago. Luckily it was light enough to carry home. I knew this painting from my childhood, though not this specific one, as part of a set that my mother had painted. She did several of such sets & finding it brought back sweet memories.

On the opposite wall is this portrait of me as rendered by Dan Parent who was, at that time, one of the illustrators & writers for Archie comics. I had it done at Fan Expo. I went that year specifically to commission it. He took my photo, I roamed the ‘market’ buying dvd’s, tee shirts, searching for old school horror [Karloff vs Kruger] & come back an hour later & it was ready.

The same holds true for the other portrait that I had done the following year. for an extra five dollars I had  more torso 🙂 As you can tell I haven’t aged since these were done but neither of these are my Dorian Gray – that is in a secret spot away from prying thighs.

The ‘demonic force’ was a Christmas gift from a friend at the end of the 1990’s. He enlarged a panel from a Chick Publication & hand-tinted it for me. ( I still see this little tracts around, sometimes left on a bus, or rumple dup on the street. Cute propaganda.

Not propaganda is this self-portrait a friend did & gave me as a birthday gift. He was experimenting with colour for that Warhol effect. The last was a gift from David Bateman he gave me during the run of the poetry cabaret The Beautiful & Damned. It is a fun amalgam of Keith Harding & Australian Aboriginal Dreamtime images. It goes up in value every year 🙂

Modern Safety

Kevlar sweats

modern day chainmail

designer duds armour plated

for style lightness and protection

don’t want to look bad 

when someone shoots at me

or tries to stab me in the mall

because I looked at them the wrong way

because I was the wrong color

wearing the wrong colors

in the wrong neighbourhood


how to be safe enough

and still look good

don’t want private guards

they’re not the accessories 

I had in mind to complete this outfit

to be safe enough 

to go to Starbucks for a latte


the fast walk and the scowl

now becomes a challenge

they’ll take me down a notch or two

kick the crap out me to liberate 

my limited edition nike’s and iPhone

which they don’t realize

now features global positioning hardware 


I hesitate to answer

because I only listen 

through an ear piece

that picks up everything you say

funnels it though lie detection software

that tells me I can trust what you say

I stick to the simplest of responses

double double

no don’t super size that


unless those fries 

are a bullet resistant shield

I can hold in front of me

as I struggle to get home

without a scratch

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Paradise Staged

Before seeing the Festival production of Paradise Lost we stopped into the costume warehouse sale to see what was on sale but more to see what was stored there. It was day 2 of the sale & all the ‘good’ stuff had been sold in the first few hours of day 1. I did buy a shirt though just to say I have a piece of Festival history. 

There were plenty of fun cloaks, sequinned dresses & few props. I found out that there are regular tours of the warehouse so one will be planned for next season. I did get some fun photos though which was my real reason for going there.

Paradise Lost was excellent. I wasn’t sure how the endless, blank verse poem would be staged. Doing spoken word frequently I know the struggle there can be in lifting words of the page. Adapter Erin Shields, director Jackie Maxwell & Lucy Peacock (as Satan) did an amazing job at making the text engaging & often much funnier than I’m sure John Milton intended it to be.

Centre stage at the Studio Theatre is a pile of shirts (going from dark at the bottom to white at the top) reaching to the ceiling, around it are hung black shirts. Lights out & we hear the dark shirts drop to the stage: the fallen angels. As Satan Lucy Peacock commands the stage whenever she appears. The interaction between the ‘good’ host of angels reflects their pecking order.

The supporting cast was all good. I particularly liked Sarah Dodd as as sort of east coast slutty Sin & as Zephon, who was eager to perform as Satan in the play-within-a-play. Perhaps because he was mainly naked I did enjoy Qasim Khan as Adam. His comic timing was excellent. Both he & Amelia Sargisson, as Eve, played the naivety of their characters to perfection. 

The play-within-a-play mystery play telling of the war that lead to fall was hilarious & ti was clear the supporting cast was having great fun with it. The rhyming couples were a nice sonic break from the blank verse too. This is a brilliant piece of theatre that rivalled Coriolanus for theatricality without relying on tech-magic to do so.

The other shows I saw this season:

Long Day’s Journey Into Night: “a ghost haunting the past” 

Coriolanus: “My rage is gone” 

The King and I: “The King and My Memories”

Julius Caesar: “Honourable Women”

The Hound of the Baskervilles: “Entertainment Afoot”

The Tempest: “Brave Spirits Indeed”

Grand Hotel

Rocky Horror: “I Feel Sexy”

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Stratford Costume Warehouse pics:


#Santa Daddy

Santa Daddy

get thee in front of me Santa

keep your hands were I can see them

I know all about that list

naughty or nice

I’m not one of those boys

whose nice can be gotten for toys


that better not be a fat suit

‘cause I’m tend to be a chubby chaser

who gets hard for a real gut

but no matter how big the bag

there better be more happening than that

if you hope to roast

your chestnuts on my fire


so get thee in front of me Santa

don’t bother sneaking around

if you want my milk and cookies

keep those damn reindeer quiet

your profile said discreet encounter

honey, those sleigh bells aren’t discreet

when you said you were into uniforms

this isn’t quite what I had envisioned

you have to offer more than those boots

of shiny black Spanish leather


so I guess

you want to get down to business

no chit chat

how you doing

just want to drop your load

get out of here

not that I’m surprised

you have a full to do list

but if you think you can go that quickly

it isn’t going to happen

I want more than an XXXbox

those elves you brought

aren’t going to make up for that

no I don’t want do some Coke with you

is that how to keep flying all night

I should have guessed


so get thee in front of me Santa

unless you long to kiss

my Christmas ass Kris

and say thank you sir

before you head back up that chimney

blueshoe the blue sandal

Another seasonal favourite that is great fun to perform. Not high-energy but lots of smiles & laughs scattered through it. It started with that opening line – a Biblical misquote – I think the original was get thee behind me Satan. I’ve seen that Santa/Satan linguistic game pulled by fundamentalists to debunk the season so using it in a fun way was appropriate.

Then I throw around sexually loaded intimations, references to Coming To Town – while resisting using ‘coming’ – too obvious, right. Imagine me showing restraint!

table phyfe?

Next a nod the bear community – there are some guys who’ll only do you if you over a certain weight – also a reference to the number of department store Santa’s who wear fat suits, fake beards.

‘Profile’ shifts the tone to the world of online dating where often one doesn’t see the ‘real’ person until the f2f meeting. To read someone likes animals than visiting to find they have six cats can be a bit alarming. The same with terms like ‘uniforms’ – Santa’s uniform is far from discreet . It’s always fun to work in a reference to a totally random Bob Dylan song ‘boots of Spanish leather.’

whitescarf scarf tree

I get to more of that double-entendre ‘drop your load’ playing on the myth of Santa, a reference to the fact that the Santa we picture today was created as a Coke-a-Cola ad. Ending with sonic word play that’s also a very sly nod to Back Door Santa.


January 3 – attending – HOT DAMN! It’s a Queer Slam featuring Johnny Trinh

Hot Damn

January 18 – hosting – Out of the Fire – a fundraiser for Kyle Andrews



xmas book give-away

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