An experience that shows up frequently in recovery circles – gay or straight, male or female – is being trapped in a using relationship – using because one’s partner uses & expects them to do the same – fear of losing that ‘lover’ keeps them using out of what is essentially, to me, people pleasing. In fact, it doesn’t even have to be a relationship – even casual hook ups can have the same ‘people pleasing’ context.
Saying no to booze or drugs offered by a possible hook up often means that door closes. Booze & drugs lower some inhibitions which supposedly leads to wilder & better sex. But Shakespeare says something to the effect – it enflames the desire but cools the ability. Often booze or drugs become the focus of, not the lubricant for, fun. I’ve had men decline play with me because I didn’t have poppers.
When I first got sober declining social offers of a drink, or a toke, wasn’t easy – I wanted to fit in, to be accepted – saying ‘no’ might hurt someone’s feelings – looking back, my sense of self-acceptance was based on conforming. The example of guys in recovery helped me get over some of that & over time it was easier.
The first few times I had sex sober were interesting. I was also coming out & being held by another man was nearly a spiritual experience. (It still is). Being held by another man who can’t wait to get his next drink, toke, line isn’t all that satisfying. I wanted sex partners not drinking partners. When the guy on Disability After Dark said he’d never had sex sober I totally identified with him. Substances can lower our inhibitions but also impair the ability to give consent & also kicks the shit out of the immune system.
Today I lead an active sex life. Sober. Dick is my drug of choice.
heart of hearing
one from the hard
my hard was in my throat
the hard of darkness
a hard attack
I left my hard in San Francisco
hard of the dark continent
open hard surgery
I hard NY
talking hard to hard
places in the hard
don’t keep breaking my hard
hard harded hanna
the hard of the hard of the country
hard healthy
change of hard
hards of fire
open your hard
wearing my hard on my sleeve
deep in my hard
the hard foundation
I gave you my hard
when hards collide
my secret hard
the hard of the matter
like a stake through the hard
a little piece of my hard
tore the hard right of his chest
gotta hide my hard away
take it to hard
the bleeding hard
my hard skipped a beat
queen of hards was baking some tarts
hard on a platter
you gotta have hard
falling hard first in love
cross my hard
hard in my hand
the hard is a lonely hunter
every Tuesday 2019
July
Stratford Festival – Nathan The Wise
August 2-13: getting back to my roots in Cape Breton
Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee on my trip to Cape Breton – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet
September
Shaw Festival – Sex (Mae West)
Stratford Festival – Little Shop Of Horrors
June – Capturing Fire 2020 – Washington D.C. capfireslam.org
Hey! Or you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington at 2020’s capfireslam.org – sweet, eh? paypal.me/TOpoet
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