Fear Walks In

Fear Walks In

some people

bring fear into a room

ideologies that I am expected

to accomodate

without knowing

<>

they prejudge me

for prejudging them

merely because of who I am

of who I appear to be to them

<>

I am an enemy on first sight

without having to say a word

or take any action

other than being there

of being unlike them

they feel unsafe

because I am not invisible

and it is my fault

<>

all my fault

for not understanding

what they haven’t told me

At a recovery meeting, when we could meet face to face, after a step had been read aloud – going from person to person around the room – a member shared on their difficulty with the hetero male normative language. When they read their section they de-gendered the language & as did some of the others who read. They implied that those of us who did not, lacked sensitivity to important gender issues. 

I gave an inner shrug – I’ve been around recovery rooms long enough that I am not unsympathetic to this but at the same time I’m in recovery to recover not to deal with linguistics or how to do the gender appropriate reading aloud of the literature. 

Referring to God as a him is off putting to some people, referring God at all is off putting to some people – if I don’t take pains to make the proper substitutions I make them feel unsafe. What can one do. Stop reading aloud? Ask for a show of hands, before reading starts, of people who feel unsafe because there are cismales in the room who don’t mind being called he? Online some people are including their pronouns as part of their names. (By the way my pronouns are it or that.)

After reading at an lgbtqia open stage an audience member spoke to me about enjoying my pieces but wondered if such sexually explicit material was appropriate because many in the community were triggered by such material. I had introduced one of pieces as being explicit but I guess I hadn’t allowed people enough time to leave the room. I’ve spent enough energy in saying my ‘partner’ & avoiding gender specific pronouns so as not to offended delicate hetero sensibilities that I’m not going spare lgbtqia by suppressing myself. I’d rather not perform than get trapped by self-censorship.

The fact is I’m not all that sensitive.

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Safe From Me

samprules2

Working through the  227 Rules For Monks.

Who knew the simple life could be so complex.

Safe From Me

somedays it isn’t safe

for me to be seen in public

not safe for others I mean

personally I am unconcerned

but the welfare of others 

has to be considered

just a glance from any male

let alone a gay male

can be triggering

sending someone spinning

into painful childhood memories

that don’t involve me directly

but my mere looking 

where I am going

can set people off 

 

I never ask how are you doing

lest that appears to be disrespect

for their boundary issues

I dress to deflect attention

I won’t compliment your appearance 

never talk about my happy childhood

because  by doing so

I may be diminishing 

what you experienced in yours

 

I get tired of negotiating permission

to continue a conversation

is it okay if I talk about ….

negotiating to avoid making

others uncomfortable

it isn’t wise to presume 

that just because they are a clerk

that they want to be of service

 

I haven’t left my house

for years now

it’s the easiest way

of keeping the world safe

from me

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Restored to Banality

Restored to Banality

it was a piece of mine

about the awakening of my

queer sensibility

of being twelve years old

seeing the bared stomach of a classmate

& wanting to see more

I was taken to task

by a listener

for being insensitive

to those who had been sexually molested

at the age of twelve years

of being indifferent to the suffering

that has haunted them ever since

I was told

that I should know better

show a greater sensitivity

to men and women in my audience in future

this person also found

a piece in which expressed pleasure

in sucking cock & having mine sucked

to be a clear sign of sex addiction

& yes another example of my

insensitivity to those who have

been traumatized by past trauma

I did not point out redundancy

I did not apologize

as they clearly expected me to do

I’d rather be thought insensitive

that waste my time proving I’m not

I will not be silenced

your past pain does not

trump my experience

does not make yours more

authentic

more morally sound

I will not be silenced

I was silenced enough

in my past about being open & out

by ‘normal’ people

offended by sexuality

I’m not going to let happen

by ‘alternative’ people

offended by sex

I will not waste time

figuring out what trigger warning

I have to use

because I can’t predict what may offend

when it seems

my rather banal childhood

my fumbling discovery of gay sexuality

is offensive enough

This piece, inspired by the thumbscrew Law 33, arises from a real incident. One of things I set out to do decades ago when I started back into writing & performing poetry, was to treat the realization of one’s queer sexuality with a romantic sweetness. There is a whole genre of straight poetry about a lad’s first kiss, a girl’s first crush but I wasn’t reading much in queer poetry about those experiences. It was as if writing about it might come across pedophilia-ish.

So when queers write about early sex awareness it had to be angsty or, better yet, come from being abused and in dealing with abuse to have a deeper sense of their self. This wasn’t my experience & I wasn’t going to treat mine as not being authentic enough to be worth writing about.

I have a piece that starts ‘I have a new boyfriend/ he’s only fifteen … ’ I take a long grinning pause, then continue ‘year younger than me.’ Often in that pause there are gasps of dismay in the audience. The piece directly challenges judgements based on age.

This one challenges judgements based on sensitivity – whose emotional context is most deserving of respect & how responsible am I as a writer/performer for guessing what will trigger? I have sexual pieces I wouldn’t present in a high school session – but if I’m appearing at a lgbtq event how much self-censorship do I have to apply? It sometimes seems the expression of rage & anger at the oppressive culture we live in is the only acceptable road of self-expression.

I’ve discovered that many politically progressive, articulate, gender questioning people are using their perspectives to be sex-a-phobic. Considering how mundane my sex life life & how banal process of my  awareness of my sexuality is I am amused at how triggering that banality can be.

 

 

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Only This Is Sex

On a recent Disability After Dark, Andrew Gurza talks with Amber DiPietra. They discuss, amongst other things how sex is so genital focused. Partly due to the number of sensory nerve endings concentrated in that area of the body. Biology plays a role but they make it clear that our sexual needs aren’t limited to such a small area of the body.

I’ve met men who have never had their backs touched except when being hugged. Rubbing my stubbly chin down their spines has produced organisms as they discovered they had sexual energy that could be released there. The back as a sex organ comes as a pleasant surprise to many. But one has to take the time to get there. Same with the backs of the knees. When the rush is to the pecker or the honey pot we focus all our attention & time there. One of the most erotic experiences I remember was when a man washed my hands for me – washed & dried them.

I’m one of those who likes to take my time – conversation, some kissing. The feeling of a man getting aroused with is pants on is more tantalizing than him pulling them off asap (though that can, at times, be pretty hot too). If all they are interested in is that few square inches on me or them I tend to lose interest quickly.

Much like our sex lives get compartmentalized in isolation from anything else in our lives we tend to do the same with the body – don’t touch me there, that’s not sex, no foreplay please, let’s just rub private parts together. Let’s rub only these 1 square inch sectors of our bodies together. Don’t touch me with your hands. Only the head please. Only the clit darling.

I wonder if there is an equivalent of the glory hole for women – in which only the part they want touched is visible – so nothing else can be touched – they don’t have see who is touching & the toucher doesn’t have to who they are touching. Let’s compartmentalize identity right of the equation.

Trigger Warning: Banality

it was a piece of mine

about the awakening of my

queer sensibility

of being twelve years old

seeing the bared stomach of a classmate

me wanting to see more

 

I was taken to task

by a listener

for being insensitive

to those who had been sexually molested

at the age of twelve

of being indifferent to the suffering

that has haunted them ever since

I was told

that I should know better

show a greater sensitivity

my future audiences

 

another person found

a piece in which I expressed pleasure

in sucking cock & having mine sucked

to be a clear sign of sex addiction

& yes another example of my

insensitivity to those who have

been traumatized by past trauma

I did not point out the redundancy

I did not apologize

as they clearly expected me to do

 

I’d rather be thought insensitive

that waste my time proving I’m not

I will not be silenced

your past pain does not

trump my experience

does not make yours more

authentic

more morally sound

I will not be silenced

I was silenced enough

in my past about being open & out

by ‘normal’ people

offended by sexuality

I’m not going to let happen

by ‘alternative’ people

offended by sex

 

I will not waste time

figuring out what trigger warning

I have to use

because I can’t predict what may offend

when it seems

my rather banal childhood

my fumbling discovery of gay sexuality

is offensive enough

 

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meandchap

kiss314257567_1162384753819933_3271661288579707843_oon going 🙂 when new podcast are posted:  Disability after Dark  iTunes

featuring: Tuesday, March 21: 7:30 p.m. Hot-Sauced Words –http://www.hotsaucedwords.ca/

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attending: Saturday, March 25: 9 a.m. 2017 TORONTO SPECFIC COLLOQUIUM

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April season 3 FINALS – Friday April 15th Buddies in Bad Times – early show – 7pm start – Featuring Queen Sheba. Slam winner gets trip to Capturing Fire & maybe coffee with me in DC.games

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June 9-10-11: attending: Capturing Fire 2017 – flight & hotel booked already

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check out these poets from  Capturing Fire 2015 & 2016

August 31-Sept.3 – I have my ticket already

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November 1 – 30 Participating NaNoWriMo

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Trigger Warning: Banality

Another of the 48 Laws of Power by Robert Green as a writing prompt.

25sky01

Law 33: Discover Each Man’s Thumbscrew

it was a piece of mine

about the awakening of my

queer sensibility

of being twelve years old

seeing the bared stomach of a classmate

& wanting to see more

I was taken to task

by a listener

for being insensitive

to those who had been sexually molested

at the age of twelve years

of being indifferent to the suffering

that has haunted them ever since

I was told

that I should know better

show a greater sensitivity

to men and women in my audience in future

this person also found

a piece in which expressed pleasure

in sucking cock & having mine sucked

to be a clear sign of sex addiction

& yes another example of my

insensitivity to those who have

been traumatized by past trauma

I did not point out redundancy

I did not apologize

as they clearly expected me to do

I’d rather be thought insensitive

that waste my time proving I’m not

I will not be silenced

your past pain does not

trump my experience

does not make yours more

authentic

more morally sound

I will not be silenced

I was silenced enough

in my past about being open & out

by ‘normal’ people

offended by sexuality

I’m not going to let happen

by ‘alternative’ people

offended by sex

 

I will not waste time

figuring out what trigger warning

I have to use

because I can’t predict what may offend

when it seems

my rather banal childhood

my fumbling discovery of gay sexuality

is offensive enough

25sky02

Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblrsky02

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/topoet