Wrestling With Connection

Week 7 on The Artist’s Way is about connection to creativity – as opposed to our connection with others. One of things that hampers that creative connection is perfectionism. I have a writing friend who has been perfecting the same thirty page opening to his novel for some ten years now. It has to be perfect so he can send it to an agent etc. He no longer asks me for advice 🙂 I stopped that by telling him it would cost $100 an hour for a minimum of three hours before I would be willing to look at his work-in-progress.

There is a section on risk – the willingness to try & not succeed as we envisioned. For me this is part of the process of letting go of expectations, of control. In recovery they say you plan the plans but the results are in the universe’s hands. I’ve painted rooms one colour only to have the paint dry in a different one 🙂

As with the Ways chapters so far there some sifting through the past for missed opportunities & for good turning points. In my covid house-cleaning frenzy I’ve unearthed old note books, old rough drafts, old photographs. Those photos reconnected me with where I was in my early 20’s, long before I moved to Toronto. I’ve also been reading Old Trout Funnies – an excellent book about a comic book series by Paul  ‘Moose’ MacKinnon that was first issued while I was living in Cape Breton. (https://www.facebook.com/OldTroutFunnies).

Moose was one of my drinking crowd & he included real people (some of whom I knew) in the comics & calendars. In one issue there is even a plug (page 70) for my poetry book ‘Distant Music’ which had been published at the time. So there was actual creative support for me in that community at that time.

 

One of the tasks was to wear a favourite item of clothing for no special reason. All my clothes are favourites, so what I did was to pick some things I rarely wear but save for intimate encounters 🙂 Namely some wrestling singlets & some revealing undies I bought a few years ago. Very snug but also very sexy. Photos “fansonly” 🙂

My Underwear

it seems the best way 

to put out the fire

in your heart

was to run over to a bar

drink till there was 

only a stumble of drunks 

to deal with

there was no way out of it

except to break the windows

push your grandma down the stairs

so what if there weren’t 

any stairs in our apartment

you still get the picture

 

yeah I know

drawing it in crayons

all over the hall to our place

wasn’t a great idea

but you have to admit

it caught the lighting of the fire

without using up all the reds

only the blues

the blues you give everyone

who is lucky enough

to catch you on your balcony

ready to jump

don’t do it

or if you have to 

wait till I get back with coffee

I have to be careful 

the contents may be hot

but wet will always 

put out the flame

it makes no difference to me 

what burns you out of my system

hot coffee or direct flame

 

maybe tossing all your undies 

in the shredder was a bit much

but it seems the only way 

to keep you out of them

to keep you fresh

ready and pliant

not that you wore them 

that often anyway

going commando

wasn’t a rare event

bare-assed at McDonalds

where did you park those buns

yeah not so funny

does it look like I’m laughing

all the way home

to the shadowed moment 

when there once was a dart of hope

now just a bunch 

of empty coat hangers

in a clump 

I can’t pull apart

hangers that once held

everything you ever wore

around the house

out in the street

 

yeah I’m a total liar

I never picked up a drink 

because of you

that isn’t going to happen

wasn’t even tempted

you took something out of my life 

but you left behind 

more that you took

I don’t need to breath 

it’s all up to you now

as if it alway wasn’t

 

I can’t get over

the number of times

I wanted to paint the hall way

that I wanted to use 

your tooth brush to clean 

the coffee machine

so I wouldn’t have to go out 

for a fresh cup to dump 

in your laugh

because I’m sure 

that behind closed eyes

you are smirking like a tried urinal

knowing that you pissed 

me off one too many times

 

you know

if you were here now

I’d probably take you back

but still wouldn’t trust you 

as far as you could throw 

my underwear

I do have a limited number of the original Distant Music chapbook for sale for $25.00 each (includes surface mail postage). Order via the paypal along with where to send it.

paypal.me/TOpoet 

Men In Underwear

I’ve been working through the Gayish podcast backlog (or should that be logs as there are two hosts). Besides listening the the most recent I’ve been going backwards & forwards – or is it top to bottom? Listening to one oldest, then the most recent. This past week I heard their podcasts about Undies & then the one about Voyeurism.

These two meshed together when one of my regulars set up play date & asked if he should wear the undies I gave him. I said ‘sure’ more because they were a memory for him of a past play session & now served as foreplay for him as he travelled to my house. He couldn’t wait to show them off for me. He isn’t the only one of my regulars I’ve given undies to – the others sometimes just show up wearing a gifted pair without warning. I find their pleasure in dressing up for me very hot. I like to look at men in underwear, whether I gave those undies to them or not.

I’ve written about my affection for undies a few times. Most recently Nice Undies https://wp.me/p1RtxU-3q2. I’ll also add, my undies have improved my sexual self-confidence & since I invested in my collection my sex life has increased. One tip for any underwear fan out there – never put them in the dryer – always air dry. Dryers are too hot for the elastic & will cut their ‘shelf’ life by 50% or more.

Voyeurism? The male of many species are aroused by visual, input hence the allure of make up etc. I enjoy porn, but not as much as I once did, & not the sort that I once enjoyed. I can remember looking at the male underwear pages in Eatons or Simpsons catalogues with great pleasure. Did they airbrush them groinless? Ditto album covers. Before I moved from Cape Breton I was ordering pay pinup magazines from Toronto – Numbers, BlueBoy – I was ‘educated’ by the nude men. Flaccid due to the law. Magazines like Penthouse could show a women spreading her labia lips, but an erection was forbidden, ditto the anus. Now porn has become so pervasive & available thanks to the web, I’m mostly bored.

 

The older I get, the younger the men seem to get, it’s to the point where I feel like a pedophile if the models are too hairless. Watching sex isn’t as appealing as having sex 🙂 One of my regulars insisted on a 3-some so he could have someone watch him as he topped me. It was more fun for him in that sense than for me. The third guy? Well, he loves the undies I gave him.

A Walk in the Park

I was walking though the park

eyes open for dog shit

I turn a corner and there is this couple 

female splayed on a picnic table 

a man on his knees between her legs

she moaning pushing his head deeper 

his hairy ass bare in the sun

 

her eyes catch mine

I can’t tell if the expression

is pleasure    invitation    dare

or what the fuck are you looking at

he stands and half turns

hard cock flashing in crisp light

she licks her lips 

 

I keep going   that image in my mind

his jeans crumpled below his knees

her panties around one ankle

their faces gleaming    beaming

 

what brought them 

to that place and time

were they walking along 

so aroused they had to have each other 

was she a working girl 

and didn’t care where she made a buck

did they need an audience

to take them to another level of orgasm

 

when I doubled back

they were gone

all that remained 

was a pair of panties

          pink

damp

https://wp.me/P1RtxU-2f6

every Tuesday 2019

July

Stratford Festival – Nathan The Wise

August 2-13: getting back to my roots in Cape Breton
Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee on my trip to Cape Breton – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet 

September

Shaw Festival – Sex (Mae West)

Stratford Festival – Little Shop Of Horrors

June  – Capturing Fire 2020 – Washington D.C.  capfireslam.org 

Hey! Or you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington at 2020’s capfireslam.org – sweet, eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblr

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/topoet

 

Naked Truth

On a recent Disability After Dark podcast Andrew Gurza talks about his pursuit of hot pictures of himself. In an online world in which photos have become the lure for everything from ebook sales to dating getting that right shot is crucial. There are sites devoted to teaching you, for a modest fee, how to create an ebook cover that will make your book a best seller. With people judging a book cover by a thumb nail pic that cover better have enough eye appeal to get them to click for more.

I see many profiles on dating sites that say ‘no pic no response.’ Many, myself included, won’t click on a profile if there isn’t a picture. You can’t even register on some sites without a photo. So that photo lure has to have more than eye appeal. For me – it should also be in focus, with decent lighting. It should be of the one posting the profile. I have seen pics that I recognize that clearly aren’t of the poster. I have a friend who has found other men using his dick pics as their own.

I understand Andrew’s search & need for a great sexy pic & how hard it can be to pose for one & have it look natural (if it’s a face pic). Body parts aren’t as difficult but even there one hits limits. Getting decent ass selfie requires a fair bit of agility. To maximize a cock pic the best angle requires another photographer. Or, in both cases, an elaborate set up of mirrors.

I have over the years learned how to take decent selfies in mirrors. One trick is to make sure you are in the frame, look into the mirror & then snap your pic. Same holds true for cell phones, at least for my flip phone. Though my best ‘action’ shot was taken by the other guy – it is hard to hold a camera & take a selfie while you body is caught up in …. ahem …other activities.

Andrew also talks about photos & body image. For years I hated pictures of myself – I didn’t realize how unflattering the angle used in many of them were & they was possible to photos, taken by others, where I looked okay. Underwear selfies made me even more comfortable with my body. I’ve see nudes of Andrew & let me tell you his body is photogenic even when he doesn’t have a hard-on.

Life of An Unknown Poet

I was handing my debit card

to the Winners clerk

to pay for some new undies

when my camera crew 

got into shoving match 

with her camera crew

 

I didn’t see how out of hand things were

till I watched a podcast of 

The Making of The Life of An Unknown Poet

by the crew following my camera crew

my head camera man was asked

how did the poet feel

when he was accosted 

 

he pointed his camera at me

as I walked out of the store

I looked back

glad I was still the one on camera

I was tempted to go back

but didn’t want to interrupt

the entertainment food chain

 

I had my own life to be filmed

and what he thought I thought

about the shoving match

wasn’t all that vital to me

the world knew how shallow I was

for a poet

 

except for this show 

I remained unknown

even after six seasons

and this pissed me off

in fact my viewers

asked to see me pissing

but I had to draw the line somewhere

they could only watch me flush

I have some pride

 

later there was a news report 

about the shoving match

someone was injured

not one of my crew or my crew’s crew

 

it struck me how futile it was

that no matter what one did

someone was bound to suffer

that even allowing my personal angst

and new undies

to be the fodder of millions

it didn’t stop the circle of suffering

 

the camera crew applauded me 

as I wrote those lines about suffering

which made it all worth while once again

I can go living giving my all

even if there is no chance of sex 

unless that camera man 

from the clerk’s camera crew is available

he looked kind of hot

in the podcast of the shoving match 

needs a shave 

his bloody nose gave this unknown poet 

a spark of known reality

https://wp.me/P1RtxU-2f6


http://www.queerslam.com

every Tuesday

September or October (maybe)  to be confirmed – feature – The Art Bar, Free Times Cafe


June  – Capturing Fire 2019 – Washington D.C. (flight & hotel already booked) capfireslam.org 

Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington at 2018’s capfireslam.org – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblr

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/topoet

Daily Jocks

unies

All my life I’ve worn utilitarian underwear, solid colour (grey, blue, black) briefs. I’ve made an effort to replace them even when they didn’t need to be replaced. Then a few years ago Hanes began to include one ‘patterned’ pair in their six-packs. Patterned meaning stripes, subtle. They also added colour – red, orange, purple, green. My undies became less utilitarian.02redme02I sought out these ‘variety’ packs – eliminated all greys from my supply. One of the guys I see began to notice the colour – he loved the contrast of red or purple on my pasty white thighs. I think that was the first time any man ever said ‘nice undies’ – then again not many guys actually see one’s undies – I am one of those whose pant waist never dips low enough to reveal the brand name of my knickers.02redpoppy01As a new years treat for myself at the end of 2015 I went into Out On The Street & bought some (reduced to clear) designer undies for myself. Diesel, C.K. One. Very different fabric from my usual Hanes. Different tailoring as well. The first time I wore them when I was out I understood the female love of lingerie. No one else will probably see them but the wearing creates a vibe, a mood that cannot be denied.03redmats03Then one of the men I follow on Tumblr posted a pic of himself in his latest pair from the monthly Underwear Club offered by Daily Jocks . I did a little search, found the site & thought ‘why the hell not.’ A fresh pair every month, special sales for members & I don’t have to leave my home. Price appox $20 US includes shipping via surface mail. This is the only drawback – coming from Australia it takes about 6 weeks for the Club mystery pair to arrive. Special orders are within two weeks.

So I’ve gone from a guy with a stack of Hanes, Fruit of the Loom – to a aficionado with undies by Funky Trunks (wild patterns); 2[X]ist (more wild print); Below The Belt; Be Seein’ You; 2eros; Supawear; Daily Jocks; Diesel; C.K. One; Obviously; Jack Adams; Timoteo; Bang. Some solid coloured, but most in color blocked geometrics, a few with a tasty bit of mesh.04redmats04Who needs so many undies? Good question but they do make great gifts & I have already given some away that weren’t quite my style. Plus my package now has the wrap it deserves 🙂

samples

Pants

there is a poem in his pants

that I yearn to give voice to

I am fluent in the thick accents

of its fleshy undertones

hip to the hooded iambs of its swing

a belled pendulum

that strikes throaty peels

a clarion call echoing long

bone marrow deep

 

there is a poem in his pants

I want to give tongue to the root of it

to give it a chance to sing

to let words take it beyond appendage

to the stars

to give to the vision an ode to joy

https://www.facebook.com/dailyjocks

 

June 9-10: attending: Capturing Fire 2017 –

newcap

https://capfireslam.org

check out these poets from Capturing Fire 2015: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCx5KD1eDccdjdTdQ28kZRNg

money

Hey! Now you can give me $$$ to defray blog fees & buy coffee in Washington – sweet,eh? paypal.me/TOpoet

Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblrmeundieshttps://www.tumblr.com/blog/topoet

The Ghost

I was going to call this post Old Boyfriends but in this case FWB was closer to the truth – no even that is going too far – more like booty call – the ghost of a booty call past – that is exactly what this is about – but that’s way too long a title for my twitter feed 🙂

I recently got a phone call from this ghost. It’s been years since I last heard from Darren. I meet him in the early 2000’s. It was through a non-cruising gay site (image that). One could post events, make social comments – sort of a pre-Facebook only with fewer graphics & advertising.

limequality

what good is quality of there’s no quantity

From the get go he was sweet but paranoid – he held a high security Federal Justice job – or so he told me – I never fully believed his explanations. i.e. He could leave all his clothes in the living room but had to take his attache with him because it held sensitive material. whatever.

Sex was fun at first – he liked to be of service – after a day of being in total control in his office he liked to be used but even then was still controlling. I saw him often at first. He even came to see me on stage.

gravel

I didn’t dig his dirt

He watched porn to get interested – he was fond of female Asian women sucking on big dicks. Filipino Facials was his favorite. I found the porn dull, their fingernails distracting & the dicks they sucked, although large, were not that arousing for me. Whatever get someone off, right. Yes, instead of our song it was our porn 🙂

I ended up writing a few pieces about him. One day he called to meet up the next night, didn’t show up. He disappeared for a couple of years – then called to hook up explaining that he’d been sent out of province for some Federal Justice work & hadn’t had time to contract me. Whatever. He was totally unreliable – a very bad communicator & I lost interest. I’m not even sure why he ever called again – if my dick was dynamite it didn’t go off in his mouth very often. Maybe my level of non-bitter disinterest was enough. I certainly held no anger towards him.

blackundies

sometimes undies can’t contain everything

Anyway, I’d get these random calls from him – just back from BC, just back from wherever – I got one of these calls this week. Same song and dance, on a big case on the West coast, lots of props to me for the time he heard me on stage – he seemed to envy my freedom. Filled me on what was happening in his life. He admitted work was a great way to avoid developing relationships. Then got around to asking if I’d like to meet up. I declined.

Some ghosts are ghosts for a good reason.

samples

Light At the End of the Closet

some days I check my email

every hour I’m awake

in case there’s one from him

but he’s a fucking crappy communicator

and I like it

I like the frustration

 

I know he isn’t stringing me along

I check my voice mail too

not as frequently

he can’t leave messages

when he calls he has to use pay-phones

he has one of those sensitive jobs

can’t be out

can’t be caught out

I understand this

and I like it

I like the hidden secret

the old timey quality of his closet

of me being totally out of mine

I can slip into his

and not feel the need to force him out

he knows this

he is always apologizing

sorry about an unending work load

that lets him hide

that makes him hide

I like this hiding   sometimes

he says I’m ray of light

more like a shaft, I joke

 

I like this frustration

knowing I can feel it

not need to judge force refuse

be present

be in my own open life

sort of free

sort of   because

if  I see a crying child in the street or a mall

I have to back away

gay men are automatically suspect

can never be proven innocent

 

I back away into that closet

I don’t like that frustration

till I check my email

and there’s one from him

 

https://capfireslam.org

red

Like my pictures? I post lots on Tumblr

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/topoet